


falling

by theleftside



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, AsaNoya - Freeform, Haikyuu - Freeform, M/M, asadaisuga, daisuga - Freeform, ennotana - Freeform, kind of post timeskip, only a little angst though, tananoya - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:35:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 56
Words: 84,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25433980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theleftside/pseuds/theleftside
Summary: asahi is afraid to tell nishinoya that he's decided to pursue higher education in tokyo, and doesn't think they'll survive a long distance relationship, so he breaks up with him with no explanation. will noya ever forgive him? can they be friends again? luckily, noya has a good friend like tanaka to listen to his venting and give him advice.as tanaka listens to noya talking about his feelings for asahi, he begins to question his own feelings. maybe he's not as straight as he originally thought, which is scary. and maybe noya was right, maybe ennoshita has been looking particularly cute recently.
Relationships: Azumane Asahi/Nishinoya Yuu, Azumane Asahi/Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, Ennoshita Chikara/Tanaka Ryuunosuke, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, Shimizu Kiyoko/Yachi Hitoka
Comments: 1
Kudos: 15





	1. a sobering change

**Author's Note:**

> started: 5/20/20  
> ended: 8/16/20

_[falling - trevor daniel](https://youtu.be/eIc4mqyN1Q8) _

_"my last made me feel like i would never try again but when i saw you i felt something i never felt. come closer, i'll give you all my love if you treat me right, baby, i'll give you everything."_

**_.nishinoya._ **

asahi and i walked back to my house after school and practice, our shoes crunching in the snow.

luckily, i wasn't very cold, i had bundled up in a coat, hat, gloves, a scarf, and asahi's sweater. needless to say, i was very cozy.

it was nearly march, so the snow should be melting soon. i'm actually surprised it's lasted this long.

but march also means that the third years will be graduating soon... and i'm not sure if i'm ready to let go yet.

i mean, asahi mentioned a while ago that he's not going to university, but i'll still hate not being able to see him every day at school and practice.

when we reached my house, i stopped at the gate and turned toward him.

"goodnight, asahi. i love you."

i got on tiptoes and kissed his cheek. i was a little concerned when he didn't speak for a while, and just looked at the ground.

"asahi?"

"nishinoya..."

oh god, not only did he use my last name, but my full last name.

"is something wrong?" i asked.

"i'm so sorry," he said, "but this," he gestured between us. "it's not working."

i felt my breath catch in my throat and i started panicking.

"what do you mean?"

"i think... i think we should break up."

"did i do something wrong?"

i saw him wince, but i was a little more focused on trying to keep my breathing normal.

"no, you didn't do anything wrong... it's just not working. i'm sorry."

he turned to walk away before glancing over his shoulder one last time. "goodnight. i hope we can still be friends."

then he walked away and didn't turn back again.

i tried to control my breaths, and hold back the tears, but it didn't work.

i numbly plopped down onto the cold sidewalk, staring blankly at the ground ahead of me, not comprehending anything.

i felt the tears start to slide down my cheeks, the contrast in temperature making them noticeable. i watched, semi-interested as the tears fell on the ground and froze there.

i realized that i probably shouldn't stay out here, because if i was gonna have a breakdown over this, it would take a while and i didn't want to freeze to death.

i slowly picked myself up off the ground, which felt like a herculean task at that moment.

i wiped my face as best i could while wearing gloves, and made my way slowly inside to my room after shedding my winter gear.

as i sat in my bed, i realized i was still wearing asahi's sweater, which brought about a new round of tears.

i really didn't want to go through this alone right now, so even though i didn't want to inconvenience him, i called the one person i could trust during a breakdown.

_"hey, noya, what's up?"_

i took a few stuttering breaths trying to regain my composure enough to speak clear sentences.

"ryū..."

that's all i got out before a new wave of tears.

_"are you okay, yuu? actually, scratch that, i'll be right over, don't go anywhere."_

i heard him hang up, so i dropped my phone next to me, and hugged my pillow to my chest. all i could smell was asahi's sweater, and i knew i should take it off but i couldn't bring myself to do that.

it felt like hours had passed, or maybe only seconds, before i heard muffled voices from downstairs, then thundering feet, then my door was flung open and quickly slammed shut again.

before i knew it, ryu had sat next to me on the bed, and i could feel his hands running through my hair.

"do you wanna talk about what happened?" he asked softly.

i sniffled.

"asahi-"

that was all i could say before another sob wracked my frame, halting my speech.

i felt his grip tighten slightly in my hair.

"what did that bastard do to you? i'll kill him for hurting you. no one makes my best friend this sad and gets away with it."

i shook my head. i didn't want ryū to kill asahi.

"just gimme a minute, then i'll talk, okay?" i choked out.

his face softened.

"of course. just let it all out, i'm here for you."

i continued crying for a while, but i was eventually soothed by ryū's hand in my hair. finally, i was able to sit up and begin talking.

"so... what happened was... we had just gotten to my house and i said goodnight and everything, you know, but he didn't say anything back. so i got worried. then he said we should break up and he didn't say why." i paused, feeling my throat tighten again. "and i just... i was reminded of middle school, you know? and it just really hurt, because i opened myself up again when i thought i would never do that again, and the same thing happened. what if i'm cursed to never find love?"

"oh, yuu..." ryū pulled me into a hug. "just because you've been unlucky a few times doesn't mean you'll never find love. besides, a romantic relationship isn't any standard of an ideal life, even if society says it is. it's okay if the only love you have is from your friends, because that's enough. and i don't say it often, but don't forget that i love you. you're my best friend and i don't know where i would be without you."

i gripped onto his shirt tightly, moved by his words.

"thanks, ryū. i love you too... no homo."

he pulled away and we made eye contact for a second before both bursting into laughter.

"bro, i'm trying to have a nice moment here," he said, clutching his sides.

"pfft, yeah, whatever. i was surprised that you didn't say it first, honestly."

he shrugged.

"yeah, just didn't wanna test your emotional capacity and sound insensitive if i said that."

"whoa, i didn't know you knew big words like that!"

"hey! don't give me that, you're just as stupid as i am!"

"ha, that's true, i guess."

i sighed happily, snuggling up in the sweater. then i caught the scent again. i decided i wouldn't let that ruin my happiness though, so i finally mustered up the willpower to quickly yank it off and throw it across the room, causing ryu to duck.

"whoa, what was that all about?"

"that was asahi's sweater. the smell was making me sad."

"oh. don't know how i didn't notice earlier, that was way too big on you."

"yeah, it was nice... but no more! i can't keep being sad!"

"yuu... it's okay to be sad once in a while, okay? i mean, i don't _want_ you to feel sad, but don't try to force yourself to be happy. if you do that, it won't end up well."

"okay... thank you."

he nodded and gave me one last hug.

"are you feeling better now?"

i gave a tiny smile.

"yeah, i think a little. but i might stay home from school tomorrow, is that okay?"

he smiled sympathetically.

"of course. it's always fine to take a day off for mental health."

"thanks. love you, ryū."

"love you too, no homo."

we laughed one last time, then he left, and i was alone again.


	2. arguments can be clarifying

_**.tanaka.** _

i arrived at afternoon practice at the same time as always, trying to ignore the third years (mainly asahi) and just talk to the other second years during stretches instead.

however, since i had shown up so late as always, i barely had time to start a good conversation before it was time to start practice. and technically the official season had ended, but none of us were ready to say goodbye yet, so we continued to run our own, unofficial practices. and since they were unofficial, it wasn't required to show up, but most of us came to all of them anyway.

i was practicing spikes for others to receive, and when i went against asahi, i felt anger boiling inside me.

how dare he hurt my best friend like that?

barely even registering what i was doing, i spiked the ball as hard as i could. it must've gone a little off course, or maybe asahi was distracted, because it hit him square in the face, causing him to stumble, trip, and fall.

daichi and suga, who were practicing nearby, immediately noticed and rushed over.

they checked on asahi first, then turned on me.

"tanaka! that was totally unnecessary!" suga exclaimed.

"exactly! there was no reason to hit it that hard, so please apologize," daichi said.

normally i would be intimidated by mom and dad getting angry at me, but i was too angry at asahi to care.

i crossed my arms, glaring slightly.

"i won't apologize, he deserved that."

daichi glared back at me, with his standard scary face as suga helped asahi up.

"what could he have _possibly_ done to deserve that?"

i pretended to think for a minute, even putting a finger on my chin in mock pondering.

"oh, let's see... how about-"

"that's enough! it's none of their business!" asahi cut me off. "and frankly it's none of yours either!"

"yeah?" i said softly before raising my voice. "WELL IT BECAME MY BUSINESS WHEN I WENT TO MY BEST FRIENDS HOUSE BECAUSE HE WAS CRYING HIS EYES OUT, AND WHEN I ASKED HIM WHAT WAS WRONG, THE _ONLY_ THING HE COULD SAY WAS _YOUR_ NAME!"

i felt like the anger was going to boil over inside me, and start pouring out of my ears and eyes.

asahi looked startled at first, but i could tell he was becoming angry as well, but this time it was a quieter, more dangerous kind of angry than my loud outburst.

"it was hard on me too, you know. that was one of the hardest decisions i've ever had to make."

his voice was low, and his gaze cast downwards, so his face was in shadow.

if anything, his quiet tone made me even angrier.

"THEN WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO IT? IF IT WAS SO HARD, WHY COULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN AVOIDED?"

he was quiet for a moment, clenching his fists, then finally, he yelled back at me.

"I CAN'T TELL YOU THAT."

"WELL MAYBE YOU CAN'T TELL ME, BUT YOU AT LEAST OWE _HIM_ AN EXPLANATION AFTER WHAT YOU DID!"

he looked a little panicked.

"no! i can't tell him!"

"WHY NOT, COWARD?"

he'd better have a good reason for breaking noya's heart with a lack of communication.

asahi sighed, and dropped his gaze once again.

"because i _am_ a coward. and i'm too afraid to tell him why i did it."

i glared for what felt like the millionth time.

"i hope you know you're a really shitty person."

finally, suga intercepted the argument.

"excuse me, but _what_ in _god's name_ is this all about?"

"that's what i wanna know," daichi added. "you guys shouldn't fight, you should talk it out and find a peaceful solution instead."

i decided to respond to suga's question.

"he broke my best friend's heart," i said, pointing accusatorially at asahi. "as if that wasn't already self-explanatory from the argument."

"you mean nishinoya, right?" suga asked.

"obviously." i rolled my eyes.

"don't use that tone of voice with your mother," daichi interjected.

"yeah, whatever."

suga took a deep breath. "so... what did asahi do to break noya's heart?"

"he broke up with noya with absolutely no explanation, and let him think that it was _his_ fault!"

before suga or daichi could respond asahi butted in.

"okay, you're right that i didn't explain much, but i most certainly did _not_ let him think that it was his fault in the _least_!"

i squinted at him.

"maybe you _said_ that, but it's certainly not what _he_ thinks! how could you leave him with so little explanation, and hardly _any_ reassurance that it's not his fault? especially when you _know_ what happened in his past and how hard it was for him to move on from that!"

his brows crinkled and the corner of his mouth lifted slightly.

"what happened in his past...?"

i frowned slightly, also a little confused.

"didn't he ever tell you?"

he shook his head.

"no... i don't know what you're talking about..."

i rolled my eyes, crossing my arms again.

"well, not that it's any of YOUR business, but... back in middle school he had this relationship with a girl, and his whole heart was invested in her right? like he was _committed_ to this relationship. then one day, she broke up with him. hardly any explanation, and all she said was, 'this is all your fault. never talk to me again,' and afterwards she completely ignored him. not only that, but she _immediately_ got into another relationship, even when it seemed as though she was just as invested in him as he was with her! after that he was so scared to date or even love again! but he decided to give _you_ a chance because he thought you were worth it! then you did practically the same thing she did and broke his heart again!"

his lips turned downward, and his gaze went the same way.

"i had no idea... i feel awful now..."

"so you didn't feel bad about it before?!"

"of course i felt bad about it! i just feel even worse now..."

"then tell him why you had to do it. maybe you won't feel so horrible if you at least _explain_ why you had to break his heart."

"i'm not sure if i can do that," he replied quietly with a small sigh.

"you're a coward, azumane asahi."

i couldn't take any more of this coversation, so i stormed out of the gym, and started the walk to noya's house.

as i left, i could've sworn i heard asahi reply, "i know... i know i am..."

then i heard suga and daichi trying to comfort him, but i didn't care about that, so i didnt linger for much longer.

///

my feet pounded against the pavement and i saw noya's house come into sight. i knew his parents wouldn't be home from work yet, so i just let myself in.

before i went up to his room, i took a second to catch my breath and try to calm myself down. i didn't know what kind of emotional state noya was in, so i didn't want to distress him too much with my negative feelings.

after doing some breathing exercises for a minute, i felt enough in control of my emotions, so i headed up the stairs.

the door to noya's room was open, and he was sitting on the floor, back to me, crying. it looked like he was sitting in front of a box.

"noya-san?" i walked over to him and put my hand gently on his shoulder. "what's all this?" i asked, pointing toward the box.

he wiped his eyes.

"i went through all my stuff in here and sorted out everything asahi ever gave me, and put it all in there," he said sadly. "i know i have to get rid of it so i can let go and move on, but it's harder than i thought it'd be."

"come here," i said, crouching down to hug him. "it's okay. this relationship meant a lot and i know a lot of these things probably have strong emotional attachments, so it's okay to be upset to get rid of them. if you want, i can help you."

he sniffed, and pulled away.

"thanks, ryū, i think that would help. i want to leave this outside his house but i don't really want to have to see him yet. at least not by myself."

"well, practice isn't over yet, so he's probably not home anyway. i'll still go with you though, but you won't have to see him."

"oh." he looked over at the clock. "why did you leave early?"

i scratched my head and smiled sheepishly.

"i'll tell you that story along the way. let's just start walking over there now, okay?"

he smiled a little, which made me happy.

"okay."


	3. the Start to Healing

_**.nishinoya.** _

as we walked to asahi's house, tanaka told me the story of what had happened at practice.

i gasped. "you seriously spiked him in the face so hard that he got knocked over?!"

"okay, i mean-" he threw his hands up defensively. "it was an accident! kind of. and to be fair, it more made him stumble and fall rather than knock him down, you know?"

"eh, yeah, i guess. now continue."

///

we reached his house soon, even before ryū finished his story, and i sucked in a deep breath.

"do you want me to go with you?" he asked.

i shook my head.

"no. i need to do this alone."

i walked down the front path which seemed like a billion kilometers long, set the box down, then quickly walked back to meet ryu at the sidewalk.

just as we were walking away again, i heard more footsteps crunching in the snow behind us, and i looked behind me.

the person standing there was asahi.

we stared at each other for a moment, neither of us saying anything.

his face seemed to be full of sadness and regret. good. he hurt me, so he should be hurting too. well... that's mean. i don't want him to feel bad, but i also want him to know the pain he caused me.

then, he spoke.

"nishinoya, i'm so sorry. i should have told you what i was doing, i never meant for this to happen."

i looked away, suddenly realizing how disheveled my appearance was. my hair was greasy and limp, because i hadn't bothered to style it today, and my eyes were probably still puffy and red from crying.

i glanced at tanaka, who merely glared at asahi, then put his arm around my shoulder, and started guiding me back down the sidewalk to my house.

it wasn't until a few seconds later that i heard more feet crunching in the snow, indicating that asahi was moving as well.

the footsteps were getting quieter, so he must've been walking toward his house rather than toward us.

i guess he noticed the box, because i heard a faint, "noya, wait!" but it was too late. ryū and i had already turned the corner and were out of sight.

we continued the walk home, in silence at first, then ryū continued his story, telling me that he had gotten in an argument with asahi, and had even talked back to daichi and suga when they objected. and after that he had stormed out and ran to my house.

///

once we got to my house, i was ready to flop back on the bed and cry, but i was prevented by ryū.

"no way, mister. you're gonna take a shower, okay? you can cry in there if you want to, but showering will help you feel better," he said.

i rolled my eyes.

"ugh, fine."

"that's the spirit! i'll get it started for you."

he walked out of the room, and i plopped down on the bed, staring blankly at the floor. a few moments later, i heard the sound of the shower starting, then ryū was back in the room.

"c'mon, buddy, up and at 'em," he said, dragging me out of bed and down the hall.

"blah. what if i don't want to be up _or_ at 'em?"

"well, that's too bad." he shoved me into the bathroom and closed the door. "you better be clean the next time you come out of there!"

"alright, _mom_ ," i complained.

"hey, i just have your best interests at heart! now get on with that shower, because i'm not talking to you anymore until you do!"

"yeah, fine, whatever. just get off my ass."

he made a small noise of assent, and i quickly got undressed and hopped in the shower.

i closed my eyes and let the warm water wash over me, thinking about all that had happened in the past 24 hours.

i replayed the breakup in my head, as i had so many times.

i felt my throat tighten and my eyes sting, but rather than trying to hold back the tears, i sort of leaned into them. i knew that the harder i cried, the better i would feel after.

i thought about what had just happened. seeing asahi's face again. his broken up expression when he saw me. the sad strain in his voice when he spoke.

i continued to cry, but i figured i might as well be productive while crying, so i washed my hair and body. after i finished that, i was about done crying, so i turned my face to the water, flinching at how hot it was, and let it wash away my tears.

after that, i took some deep, calming breaths, and stepped out. i dried myself off, then made my way back to my room and put on comfy pajamas.

ryū was nowhere to be found, so i started wandering downstairs and smelled some good food. is it dinner time already?

i checked the clock.

5:47.

huh, i guess it's later than i thought. i must've spent a while in the shower.

when i got downstairs and went to the kitchen i saw... ryū helping my parents cook?

i blinked and rubbed my eyes, making sure i was seeing things correctly.

and i was, he was there adding the finishing touches to the food. tempura and sashimi with rice. and it looked like there was miso soup too!

my stomach rumbled. i hadn't eaten all day, so i was pretty hungry.

my mom looked over at me with a smile.

"hey, yuu? feeling better?"

i managed a tiny smile in return.

"yeah, a bit."

"feeling well enough for food?" my dad asked.

i smiled wider then.

"of course i am."

he laughed.

"yeah, you're definitely better now."

we all sat around the table and made small talk during dinner, then ryū and i went back to my room to watch some tv.

"listen, yuu... i don't wanna watch any show that's too sad, so... sailor moon!"

i looked over at him with a laugh.

"really?"

he grinned back.

"yep. this show is great, man. honestly."

i shrugged.

"okay, i'll trust you."

///

an hour and three episodes of sailor moon later, i was clinging to ryū's arm with my head on his shoulder.

"hey, ryū? do you think i'm still... like... i don't know how to describe it... a complete person and worthy of love?"

"what! of course you are! you don't need a relationship to prove anything about your worth!"

"are you sure about that? cuz i don't really feel like it," i confessed sadly.

"listen to me." he turned my face so that i was looking at him. his expression was dead serious. "of course you are still a whole person. you're one of the greatest people i know! you're my best friend, and you can always make me laugh, not to mention you're great with the first years, giving them advice and cheering them on no matter what. and your own skill on the court is impeccable, i must say. and plus, i think you have a real knack for finding lost things in just the right places. you have excellent taste in music and tv shows, and even when i first starting cooking and it sucked, you still encouraged me so i wouldn't give up! you're one of the awesomest people i know, nishinoya yuu, and don't go forgetting that, okay?"

i blinked back tears, swallowing my emotions, and nodded.

"yeah, alright."

"now come here and give me a hug," he said, laughing slightly.

i laughed too, and collapsed into his arms.

"thanks, ryū, i really needed that. i appreciate you so much, you don't even know. i don't know where i'd be without you."

"aw, thanks. i can say the same about you, bro. now, i think it's getting late and we still have one day left of school this week, so i should probably head home and get to bed. you gonna be there tomorrow?"

i sighed.

"yeah, i'll probably be there."

"alright." he gave me a thumbs up and climbed off my bed. "i'll see you tomorrow. and remember, you're strong. you can do this."

"thanks, ryū. i'll do my best."

"i believe in you."

then, he gave me one last hug, and left.

since i was going to school for friday, i went to sleep soon after he left, and dreamt of sailor moon.


	4. Nothing is Wrong, and i'm Fine. i Promise.

_**.nishinoya.** _

the next day i skipped morning practice, but walked into afternoon practice with my usual energy. i was determined to act as if nothing was wrong today, even if it killed me.

however, i would probably try to avoid asahi unless absolutely necessary, because i didn't feel like talking to him right now. if i did, that would make my task a lot more difficult.

"good afternoon, everyone and happy friday!" i shouted when i walked into the gym, plastering a big grin on my face.

i looked around to see everyone looking slightly... nervous, almost? that's weird.

i brushed it off, and made my way over to where ryū and the other second years were sitting, and sat next to them.

"what's up, guys?"

"um... are you okay?" ennoshita asked.

my heart leapt into my throat when he said that. just how public was ryū and asahi's argument yesterday? did the whole team know?

i forced a laugh.

"of course i'm okay! i just felt a little sniffly yesterday, so i figured i'd rest up so i wouldn't get the rest of you sick."

ennoshita, kinoshita, and narita exchanged a furtive glance, and ryū averted his gaze.

i squinted. what was going on here?

i decided to ignore it and stretch instead.

i had leaned over to touch my toes when i heard someone clearing their throat behind me.

i shot up and turned to see asahi.

"noya, can i-?"

"oh, what do you know! it looks like my water bottle is empty, silly me, i better go fill it now, sorry, bye!" i rushed out.

i grabbed my water bottle and ran outside to the tap.

honestly, it wasn't empty, it was still halfway full. i had drunk some of it during the day, but i didn't really _need_ to refill it yet, i just didn't feel like talking to asahi yet.

i refilled it anyway, and took some deep breaths, looking around campus, and up at the sky, trying to calm myself by finding shapes in the clouds.

when i was younger, me and my grandpa always did that together, so it brings me a sense of peace and nostalgia.

the sky was pretty gray, since it was winter, but when i looked far to the east, i could see a patch of blue sky. there were a few wispy clouds, and i pretended they were like cotton candy, or maybe some wool about to be dipped in blue dye.

finally, when i had collected myself, i headed back inside.

i went to go put my water bottle back with my stuff, and was stopped by daichi and suga.

daichi put his hand on my shoulder and said, "i'm glad you're back today, but seriously, if you don't want to see him right now, that's totally understandable, and i can excuse you from practice."

"what do you mean?"

suga spoke up.

"well, with everything that happened with asahi, we just thought that maybe you-"

i laughed loudly. a little too loudly. it attracted some looks from the rest of the team.

"i don't know what you guys are talking about! i'm _fine_."

they exchanged a concerned glance.

"if you're sure..." daichi muttered.

i shook my head and batted his hand away.

i put my water bottle back with my stuff, and headed over to where the first years were. i really liked the first years, they were fun to hang out with. fun to practice with too.

"hey, yamaguchi, want me to help you practice your jump float serves?"

he looked a little nervous as he fidgeted with his hands and replied, "i mean... if you're feeling up to it... i don't know..."

i turned around and stormed back a few paces and yelled.

"jesus christ! i swear, if one more person tries to treat me like i'm some sort of fragile, glass doll i'm gonna lose it! five laps, go!"

i was more speaking to myself in that last statement, as i began running around the gym, feeling everyone's eyes on me.

i finished my laps breathing heavily, but i felt better than before, full of adrenaline, and heart rate up for a reason other than anxiety for once this practice.

"see? all good! now let's practice those receives!"

i clapped yamaguchi on the shoulder and led him over to one side of the court and crossed the net to the other side, getting in receiving position.

i ended up practicing receives with most of the team, but when asahi was about to serve, i sent ryū a frantic look, and he quickly served to the opposite end of the court, and as usual, i yelled, "rolllllinnngggg thUNDERR!" and dove to receive it.

luckily, ryū laughed at me like he usually did, and instead of annoying me, it made me feel better, like at least one person was treating me like usual. 

the rest of practice went pretty smoothly, and by the end i definitely felt a lot better after being able to move around as usual instead of sitting inside moping all day.

at the end of practice, i was heading out, joking around with ryū, when i heard, "wait!"

i stopped and slowly turned around.

who did i see? asahi. of course.

i didn't say anything, so he spoke again.

"nishinoya, may i please speak to you?" he glanced at tanaka. "alone?"

i made a face as i thought about it. finally i responded.

"i'm sorry, but i'm going to be honest with you. i don't really feel like talking to you right now, but maybe try again monday and i'll see if i'm feeling any better then. bye."

i turned around without waiting for a response, and ryū put his arms around my shoulders as we walked away, just like he had done when i was returning the box of asahi's stuff.

"that was good, i'm proud of you," he said sincerely, grinning at me.

i smiled back hesitantly.

"thanks. i know i need to move on, and i'm not trying to wallow in sadness, but i think talking to him right away isn't the best choice. i probably should talk to him sooner rather than later, especially since graduation is so close and i don't wanna spoil this last bit of time with the third years... which is why i said i'd try talking on monday."

"that's a great idea!" he exclaimed, ruffling my hair.

"hey, not cool dude!"

he laughed loudly.

"sorry, but you know you love me."

i laughed too.

"that's true. you're my best friend, and i don't know where i'd be without you."


	5. a Vent Session, and all of karasuno is gay

_**.nishinoya.** _

it was saturday night and i was staying over at tanaka's house.

i was currently sprawled on the floor, eating takis and venting to ryū, of course, and also saeko, who had decided to pop in to listen to my problems.

after a quick explanation of the whole breakup to catch her up with things, i was talking about all my current feelings.

"man, i really wanna talk to asahi again, you know? like, he's still a good friend even thought he hurt me. but then i think about what he did and i don't want to talk to him anymore. then i figure i should give him a chance to explain himself so we can talk about what happened and figure everything out. but like... i know i need to give myself a little bit more time, otherwise it'll hurt too much, which is why i told him i'd talk to him monday... but i want to talk to him now."

"don't do it, it's not worth it!" saeko shouted, slapping my phone out of my hand.

"nē-san, why?!"

"you just said that you know it's for the best not to talk to him right now, so i'm making sure you don't text him!"

"but you didn't have to slap my phone like that!" i wailed.

"whoops, sorry! anyway, as an adult with all my wisdom of the dating world, i'd say it's definitely best if you wait to talk to him. i know it's tough now, buddy, but you gotta power through it. and when you do talk, make sure you _actually_ talk and don't dance around sensitive topics because you're scared. you need to make sure to explain your whole side of the story, and that he tells you everything on his side. don't let him chicken out."

"that's exactly what i was about to say," ryū chimed in from his bed.

i sighed and smiled softly.

"thanks, that's actually some good advice."

"i know right?"

"oh, and yuu?" ryū added.

"what's up, ryū?"

"if asahi gives you any type of trouble at all... let me know, and i _will_ throw hands. no one's bitch-ass gets away with hurting my best friend like that. if i could find that girl from your middle school, i would definitely throw hands with her too. well, maybe not, since she's a girl, but i would definitely have some strong words."

i laughed.

"alright, i'll let you know. but you better not mess up his face, i still like looking at him."

"i guess that's only natural."

"and speaking of enjoying looking at people... have you noticed ennoshita's been looking kind of cute recently?"

saeko's head perked up from her phone at my words.

"what's all this about? noya, do you have another crush already?"

"yeah, noya, for real? you were just rambling about being in love with asahi!"

"well, i'm glad you ask. ryū, my question was not in regards to my personal interests, but rather of yours. i think that _you_ have a crush on him!"

"what?! you're crazy, i'm straight, man, you know that."

"i used to think that too, 'til i met asahi. then i learned the wonders of bisexuality."

"same here, bro. guys are nice in their own way, but when i discovered girls... it was like a whole new world had opened up!" saeko said.

"did you just come out?" asked ryū incredulously.

"wait, what? i thought you knew i was bi," she replied.

"this is confusing," he replied.

"what's confusing about it? just a room full of bisexuals!" i explained.

"i'm straight, though!"

"you keep insisting that, but those words may come back to haunt you later," saeko advised.

i saw him squirming a bit, rumpling the sheets up and clutching his pillow to his chest.

"i've never really thought about guys that way before though. what if the team's weird about it or something? i mean... i don't know. and i don't know how mom and dad would react."

"they would be fine with it," saeko assured him. "they were totally cool with it when i came out anyway."

"so did everyone already know about this but me?!"

she laughed.

"i guess so."

"yeah, and i don't think you have anything to worry about with the team. i mean, pretty much the whole team is lgbt though, right? i mean, you've got daichi and suga, who are practically married, me and a-" i stopped in my tracks and let out a sigh when i remembered. i shrugged. "oh. well. you know. even if we're broken up, doesn't change the fact that we're gay."

"i guess you're right," he said.

"i'm sorry, i wasn't done talking," i replied, glaring at him jokingly.

"whoops, sorry, please continue," he assented, raising his hands in mock surrender.

"kinoshita's pansexual, and narita's aromantic and asexual. you've got hinata and kageyama who probably-" i coughed. "sorry, _definitely_ refuse to admit their feelings for each other. then, honestly, i'm not too sure what's going on with yamaguchi and tsukishima, but yamaguchi definitely has a huge crush on him, and whatever's happening, he's the only one i've really seen be able to make tsukishima smile genuinely."

he nodded, seeming to be warming up to the idea.

"then, as unfortunate as it is, kiyoko-san is probably a lesbian. otherwise how else could she ignore our advances?"

"oh shoot, bro, you right."

i nodded, then continued.

"yacchan's probably gay too, i think she has a massive crush on kiyoko-san."

"yachi? really?"

i nodded.

"oh yeah, for sure," saeko added in. "when i would come to watch some of your games, i would sometimes catch her staring at my boobs. then when i hugged her, her head was on my chest and she seemed a little too happy with that position."

"didn't need to hear that, but alright," ryū muttered.

"well anyway, thanks for the additional data, nē-san, you've been very helpful. then, on top of _all that_ , one time, right before afternoon practice, i was outside around the back of the gym to dig up the time capsule we put there last year, and i heard coach ukai out there. i figured he was on a smoke break and talking on the phone or something, and i didn't hear what he said, then it all went quiet so i snuck around to see what was going on. then, that was when i saw him and take-chan making out, which was a little scarring, if i'm being honest, but there you have it. the whole team, including coaches, advisers, and managers, is gay except apparently you. how does it feel to be the outlier?"

"i'm gonna ignore that, but why would you dig up the time capsule already?! we said we would dig it up after we graduate!"

"well, there was something i wanted to add, but now i realize that's not how time capsules work. you can't add on to them, otherwise it won't be storage from a fixed point in time, it'll be from a lot of points in time, and that'd be confusing. but you dodged my question about being straight, which probably means you're not so sure about that anymore."

"just out of curiosity, for purely innocent reasons... you never said anything about ennoshita's sexuality... is he gay too?"

i smirked.

"wouldn't you like to know, lover boy? but yes, he is."

"that's cool..." he trailed off, seemingly at a loss for words. "arghh, damn it, man!" he kicked his legs around in frustration, rumpling the sheets a bit. "i thought i was straight... i mean i think i _am_ straight? i don't know... now i'm confused..."

my smile fell a bit. i didn't want to make ryū feel bad with this, i just wanted him to open his eyes to the possibility of dating ennoshita, since all the rest of the second years knew ennoshita had a huge crush on him.

i heard him slap his face, so i tentatively asked, "ryū? you good?"

he didn't reply.


	6. tanaka might not be as straight as he thought he was

_**.tanaka.** _

"ryū? you good?"

i didn't reply. i was too busy reevaluating every single interaction with ennoshita, trying to figure out how i felt about him, and maybe how he felt about me.

i heard saeko mumbling something to noya, then she left, sliding the door shut behind her.

not long after, i felt the bed dip under noya's weight, and he had curled up next to me, his head on my chest.

"sorry if i made you uncomfortable," he said in a quiet voice.

i sighed and pet his hair a little.

"it's alright. i've just never really thought about it before and now that i am... it's making me feel kind of confused."

i felt his head moving around and assumed that he was nodding.

"i get it. it is really confusing to figure these things out, you know it took me over a year to figure out my sexuality and how i felt about asahi before we got together."

"really?"

"yeah, it was around the beginning of first year when i first started to get confused about everything, and i wasn't actively thinking about it the entire time. in fact, a lot of the time i kind of shoved it off to a corner of my brain because i didn't _want_ to think about it. but eventually, second year rolled around and i thought about it more and more and finally figured it out."

"yeah?"

"yeah. one of my main mistakes, i think, was that i didn't talk to anyone about it. i kept it all bottled up inside and was confused and scared and sad, but i hid it as best as i could. i still should've told someone though. i could've talked about it with you, or even discussed it with asahi. i'm telling you so you don't make the same mistake. if you want to talk about this, i'm all ears, but you don't have to if you don't want to."

i curled my arms around him more.

"thanks, noya. i love you."

"i love you too."

for several long minutes, we just laid there in silence, holding each other, then noya tentatively spoke up.

"ryū?"

"hmm?"

"have you ever... wait, it's a stupid question, never mind."

"noya, listen. we're us. there's no stupid questions here."

he chuckled slightly.

"you're right. i have a feeling i already know the answer, but... have you ever kissed a boy? or anyone for that matter?"

my cheeks heated up.

"of course i've never kissed a boy. and, uh... i've never kissed anyone else either," i begrudgingly admitted.

he went quiet again, and after a few moments, i looked down at him, to see him gazing expectantly at me.

"are you suggesting what i think you're suggesting?" i asked.

he suddenly sat up, so i did too.

"that depends on what you think i'm suggesting," he said, and shifted closer to me, the movement so tiny as to be almost imperceptible.

"bro, are we about to kiss right now?"

he snorted.

"well, that's what i'm suggesting, if you're cool with it. cuz i'm totally down for kissing you, bro, no homo."

"i mean... i guess it couldn't hurt...?" i said tentatively.

"lit, let's go then."

almost before i had time to process his words, he placed his hands on my shoulders, and his lips were on mine.

i hesitantly kissed back, and it wasn't too bad. i guess he knows what he's doing.

when he pulled away, he was smiling widely and giggling slightly.

my face was just screwed up a bit in confusion.

"your first gay kiss!" he exclaimed gleefully. "how was it?"

i shrugged.

"it was good. you're a good kisser, bro, no homo."

he grinned.

"yeah, i've had a bit of practice."

"are you sure you should be kissing someone else with all this asahi business going on?"

he pouted slightly.

"bro, that kiss was completely platonic, so it's fine. besides, if anything, a bit of fun like this is helping me move past all that."

i shrugged.

"if you say so."

"so, do you think you're gay? or at least bi?" he asked suddenly.

"what?! i don't know immediately just because i kissed you and didn't hate it! gimme some more time to think about it!"

he laughed.

"alright, i will. now let's watch a movie."

i agreed, so we got a movie started, and cuddled up together to watch it.

///

we ended up watching a movie called 'a silent voice' which was more emotional than i thought it would be.

i mean, i'd heard that it was really sad, but i wasn't expecting _that_. in the last half hour, i had been clinging onto noya as tightly as possible, being so nervous about the outcome, but he didn't complain, and in fact was doing the same to me.

after the credits finished, i sniffled a bit, and swiped the unshed tears out of my eyes.

"i think it's a little dusty in here," i said quietly.

i was met with mostly silence, besides a small whimper.

"noya-san?"

i looked at him to see him biting his lip hard, furiously trying to hold back tears that were on the verge of spilling.

"oh, yuu..."

i rubbed his back, and he let out a sob, leaning into my chest.

"s-orry," he hiccuped, swiping at his eyes. "i just keep thinking-" he paused to take a shuddering gasp of breath. "of everything that happened with-"

he cut himself off and let out another sob.

i continued rubbing his back and pulled him closer, placing a soft kiss on his temple.

"it'll be alright," i murmured. "you're gonna talk about it and figure things out on monday, right?"

he sniffed.

"yeah, but... i'm scared. what if i just feel worse afterwards? what if i can't face the truth?"

i brought my hand up to his face to gently wipe away the tears, but more quickly took their place.

i smiled as gently as i could at him.

"you don't have to talk to him if you don't want to."

he shook his head furiously.

"no! i have to!" he sighed. "i have to know, even if it hurts me. besides, i've been thinking about this so long, the anticipation is killing me, and if i didn't go through with it now, i might die."

"then that's your choice. and if it turns out that you can't face the truth, i'll be right here to support you, okay? he never deserved you anyway."

he gently set his head on my shoulder, letting out another sniffle, but it sounded like the tears were starting to slow.

"thanks, ryū... i don't know what i'd do without you."

"probably die."

he laughed a little bit, which made me happier than i would've thought after that movie. i was just happy that he was feeling at least a little bit happy.

"you're right. i love you."

"i love you too, man."

it took a little longer before he fully stopped crying, but eventually we started talking again, and he seemed back to his normal self.

well... not exactly normal, he still seemed a bit sad and nervous... and tired. but i was glad he was at least feeling better than he was before.

eventually, we both ended up falling asleep, having just finished playing a game of cards against humanity.

the next day would be sunday, then noya would go back home, and on monday he and asahi would talk everything out.

hopefully it would all go well.


	7. in all Honesty, this is just a Filler

_**.nishinoya.** _

i spent most of sunday at ryū's house, but alas, since we had school monday i had to return to my own home.

monday seemed to come all too quickly, but before i left the house, i gave myself a pep talk in the mirror.

_'you're awesome. you can do this. if anything, asahi should be the nervous one. he let someone as good as you go? what was he thinking? has he even seen how hot you are? does he appreciate how funny you are? how generally great? apparently not if he was foolish enough to break up with you. just fake it til you make it if you have to, and this talk will go great.'_

with one final nod just to steel myself, i headed out the door, determined to be as upbeat as always at practice today, and not seem nervous for what was to come after school.

i had debated skipping morning practice again, but i figured that would seem a little too suspicious. and after all, it hadn't been too long ago since my fight with asahi where i called him a coward for skipping out. if i also skipped, that would not only make me a coward, but a hypocrite as well.

on the first part of my walk to school, i let my mind drift aimlessly as i kicked pebbles on the path, but as i got closer, i began hyping myself up so i could walk in with my usual energy and attitude.

i approached the club room with a bounce in my step, loudly slamming the door open and closed again. narita and kinoshita were in there, so i yelled, "good morning, guys! isn't it a beautiful day?" however, before they responded, i went over to my cubby and started getting changed.

i heard them chuckle quietly before responding.

"yeah, i think the weather is gonna start warming up for good soon," narita said.

"thank goodness. i like the cold and snow, but there's a point where it just gets annoying," kinoshita replied. "by the way, i'm glad to see you're feeling better."

i twisted up my face a bit.

"that implies that i was ever feeling bad," i argued.

i couldn't see them since i was still turned around changing, but i had a feeling they were looking at each in That certain, Concerned way.

"alright, just gonna be honest here, you were obviously not feeling well on friday. you were trying to cover it up, but it felt like you were way overcompensating. but today, you feel more like yourself naturally, like you're not forcing anything."

i finished putting on my knee pads and elbow pad and turned around.

"you know what? that's awesome, kinoshita. it's really cool that you were brave enough to call me out like that! and thanks for being so worried about me, but i'll be all fine in no time," i replied with a big grin.

he blushed a little and scratched his neck.

"ah, yeah. thanks for not getting mad at me or anything."

"you know i don't get mad easily. can you even picture me mad?"

"not really..." he trailed off.

"exactly," i replied smugly.

then narita chimed in again, "although when you do get mad, it's a rare occurrence, so it always stands out to me more, and it can be more memorable. not always though."

i tilted my head.

"fair point. anyway, i'm headed to the gym now, see you guys later."

they nodded and continued getting dressed as i headed out the door to the gym. as i got closer, i could hear the sounds of people already practicing in there, even though practice hadn't officially started yet, and wouldn't for about another ten minutes. that was probably kageyama and hinata then. and i saw some other shoes outside the gym which meant some others were there and they were probably helping them practice too.

as i opened the door, i saw a three on three match in progress. the first team was hinata, kageyama, and daichi, and the second team was ryū, ennoshita, and suga. coach ukai and takeda were by the scoreboard keeping track of each team's points.

ennoshita had just received a spike and sent it to suga, who set it to ryū, who enthusiastically spiked it over the net in a close straight shot, earning their team a point.

"nice kill!" i yelled, leaving my regular shoes outside and slipping on my volleyball shoes as i stepped into the gym.

ryū spotted me by the door, and gave me a giant grin and a thumbs up. suga complimented him as well, and ennoshita walked up to him to give him a pat on the back, causing his cheeks to redden almost imperceptibly. i sent him a sly wink, then headed off to the side to start stretching while waiting for the others to show up.

slowly, over the next ten minutes, everyone else filed in: kinoshita and narita, yachi, asahi, tuskishima and yamaguchi, and surprisingly, kiyoko slipped in at the last second before practice started.

"i'm sorry i was late, my alarm didn't go off," she explained.

"kiyoko-san!" tanaka and i exclaimed in unison, rushing over to greet her.

"you look beautiful as always!" i shouted.

"it's a blessing to see your lovely face today!" tanaka added.

as usual, she didn't respond, just avoided us and walked over to stand by yachi and greeted her.

"even being ignored by kiyoko-san is more than we deserve," remarked tanaka, tears of joy streaming down his face.

"it truly is," i agreed, happy tears also on my face.

"everyone stretch and get warmed up if you're not already! we're starting practice soon!" daichi yelled.

tanaka and i headed over to where the other second years were stretching and did a bit of extra warm up with them just in case.

morning practice was like torture- not exactly avoiding asahi, but not interacting with him either. it consisted of a lot of awkward eye contact before quickly looking away.

the school day dragged by, and afternoon practice wasn't any better than morning practice.

at the end of practice, i was still finishing my stretches when asahi walked over to me looking more nervous and awkward than usual.

"uh... i'll wait outside for you if you're ready to talk," was all he said, then walked out of the gym.

my heart sped up and my face felt hot, and i kept my gaze trained on the floor, avoiding the looks from the other second years nearby.

"so..." ryū started.

i stood up.

"it'll be fine," i said simply. "let's just finish up here."

"right," he replied.

after stretching and heading back to the club room, i changed as quickly as possible.

i started heading out, but tanaka placed a hand on my shoulder to stop me.

"are you sure you don't want me to go with you? i'm almost done changing."

i shook my head.

"i need to do this alone. don't bother waiting up for me either, this might take a while."

he nodded.

"alright. good luck then."

"thanks, man."

i walked out the door, and when i turned the handle, i noticed my hands shaking, and not just because of the chill in the air. i closed the door behind me and took a deep breath, watching it fog up in front of me. i expected to be nervous, but not _this_ nervous.

i counted backwards from ten to steady my nerves a bit, then walked around back by the gym, and saw asahi waiting by the bike racks under a street lamp, looking extremely uncomfortable and almost like he was about to be sick.

i closed my eyes for a second. two.

then i clenched my fists, opened them again and walked towards him.


	8. the first Talk

_**.nishinoya.** _

"hey," i said when i was near enough, stopping at a very platonic distance.

"hey," he said.

he looked like he wanted to speak but didn't know quite what to say, and i knew he would be uncomfortable saying _anything_ first, so i decided, 'fuck it,' and talked first.

"okay, listen. i think this is a talk for complete honesty, so i need to say... actually, we should probably sit down, i don't know how long this is gonna take."

"alright," he agreed, and we went to a bench and sat down.

i looked at him, but he seemed kind of shifty, and avoided too much eye contact.

"alright, like i said, complete honesty," i started again. "i kissed tanaka."

that got a reaction out of him.

"what?! when did this happen?! i thought he was straight?!"

"uhh, yeah, about that. so this happened two days ago, and i don't wanna share all of his personal info, but he's been a bit confused recently. no need to worry though, it was totally platonic, just helping a bro out. besides..." i looked down at my hands in my lap. "i'm still totally, completely, undeniably in love with you."

my voice trailed off at the end, but i knew he heard what i said from the way he tensed up slightly.

"and i- i guess you don't love me anymore, but i thought i'd just let you know."

i sneaked a glance over at him to see his face scrunching up with indecision for a moment before he said, "i'm still in love with you too."

that startled me. so much that i couldn't even think of what to say at first.

"then why? why would you break up with me, and with no explanation? do you know how much you hurt me?"

he flinched slightly and sighed, hunching over.

"i'm sorry, i know i hurt you, and it hurt me to see you so sad, but i had to."

"but _why_ did you have to?" i urged.

i wasn't even expecting us to get back together or anything, i just wanted to know why he did what he did. what was going through that head of his?

he shook his head.

"i... i had to. i can't explain."

"at least try to explain! you have to understand, the fact that you're not clarifying anything makes this so much worse for me, especially after saying you still love me! what am i supposed to think now, huh? you still love me, but you broke up with me for some mysterious reason, and now you refuse to tell me what it is? this is torture. you're unbelievably cruel, asahi, and i never imagined you to be that way."

he made a noise like the air had gotten knocked out of him, the cold weather causing his breath to fog up. it almost sounded as if he had gotten punched. i ignored that and waited to see if he would explain anything.

when enough time passed as though it seemed he wouldn't say anything, i got up, and moved to walk away, but he stood as well, and grabbed my arm.

if he was using his full strength, he could've held me back from leaving, but i didn't think he was, so i could leave if i wanted to. he was giving me that option, and i considered it.

but i stayed. despite the cold, i didn't walk away because i wanted to hear what he would say.

he dropped my arm and looked me in the eyes with complete confidence, and an unwavering stare that was so rare off the court. it was one of my favorite expressions of his, especially now, with his face half in shadows, and half lit by the warmth of the street lamp.

as he spoke, his voice hardly shook, even though i knew it was sometimes hard for him to voice his emotions out loud with how shy he was.

"yuu, i am so in love with you that it hurts. i love every single thing about you, from the top of your hair to the bottoms of your feet. i love the way you move with such assurance, and how confident you are in general, unafraid to speak your mind. you have this giant presence in a small body, and we're complete opposites, but you chose me anyway, out of anyone. and i know how hard that was for you after tanaka told me what happened in middle school. i hurt you, in almost the exact same way she did, and i can never apologize enough for that. i just hope you won't still hate me by the time it's graduation, and if i might be so presumptuous, i can only hope that you can even forgive me for this, and we can go back to at least being friends."

i bit my lip, trying to stop the tears from welling up in my eyes. during asahi's speech, his voice had wavered several times, but he did his best to cover it up, and now i could see emotions similar to mine reflected in his own expression.

"i... i don't know what to say," i said quietly. "for once."

i smiled slightly, trying to lighten the mood, and was glad when he smiled too.

i took a deep breath that burned my lungs, and squeezed my eyes shut, trying to think of a suitable reply.

"i miss you," is the first thing that popped out of my mouth. "and... i really appreciate everything you just said, and i hope we can be friends again too. but... you still didn't explain."

"well, like i said... graduation is soon," he said.

it seemed like there was something else on his mind, but he didn't say anything.

"...and?" i prompted.

"i... i know that you're going to go on to do amazing things. i don't want to hold you back."

"you never hold me back! you only challenge me to help me grow stronger!"

he finally dropped his gaze to the ground and broke eye contact.

"well, aside from that... i need to figure out how this real world thing works, and-"

"so i'm a burden," i interrupted. "you're going into the real world and don't wanna be held back by your immature boyfriend who's still in high school, is that it?"

"no! it's nothing like that! i just... i need to know that i can figure this out on my own, because i'm not always gonna have you by my side, and i don't want to become too dependent on you, just in case..."

"in case what?"

he hesitated, opening his mouth, then closing it again, shaking his head.

"tell me. in case _what_?"

he sighed deeply.

"in case i end up being a failure, and you graduate and decide you don't want me anymore."

my jaw dropped.

"of course i'll always want you! are you crazy?! what propaganda have you been reading into and who is feeding you those lies?!"

"you don't know that... it's impossible to know how you'll feel a year or two from now, or even next week! there are really no guarantees in life, and i don't even know how or why you fell for me in the first place. with that already unsteady support, that adds an extra layer of uncertainty, and i don't know if our relationship would survive that."

i glared.

"well obviously _not_. if you had that little faith in me and in our relationship, maybe it's for the best we broke up! if you're not willing to risk it for me, maybe it's for the best... maybe you are just a coward..."

his shoulders slumped.

"yeah... maybe i am. i just figured that i should be able to find confidence for myself to make this work. if i don't even have faith in myself, how can i have faith in a relationship? i've heard people say it's hard to love someone else if you struggle to love yourself..."

he moved past me and began walking away.

"wait, asahi, i didn't mean it like that! i was mad and it slipped out!"

he paused.

"i know. you always talk a lot, even when it gets you into trouble." he turned around and smiled a little bit at me. "i think that was enough talking for one night, i'm tired. we can talk more later though, alright?"

i hesitated. what if he lost his confidence later and refused to talk? what if this was my only chance? what then?

"alright," i eventually agreed. i figured he had already checked out of this conversation and i wouldn't be able to get anymore out of him anyway, so i might as well let him go.

"goodnight, noya," he said, and turned and started walking away again.

"goodnight, asahi," i called out to him.

i didn't walk home immediately.

i stayed frozen to the spot, feeling like emptiness was sinking into my skin, and watched him walk away until i couldn't see him anymore.

suddenly, i felt a delayed bit of anger flare through me. why hadn't i made him stay and explain more?! obviously there was something he still wasn't saying, but _what_?

i flipped off the spot where he had been standing minutes ago.

"you bitch," i whispered sharply to myself.

i began to think about everything that had just happened, starting to breathe heavily.

i figured that maybe i should think about this at home in case i started angry-crying (or just regular crying), and plus at home, i could facetime ryū and he could help me feel better.

so i took off running as fast as i could without slipping on any lingering ice to get to my house.


	9. the first Talk (but it's asahi's pov)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, lads, it's a double feature since these two chapters are pretty much the same but different pov

_**.azumane.** _

i was terrified of this talk. i had been ever since friday, but i had to go through with it.

i knew he would want answers, but i wouldn't be able to explain myself. i didn't even know if i _wanted_ to explain myself. not yet. i wanted to wait until the last possible minute to tell him i had to break up with him since i decided to go to college.

i knew he would be beyond angry and upset with me when he learned why i did what i did, but with the way this talk was going, it seemed like he wouldn't settle for leaving without some type of explanation.

before i had to tell him everything, i wanted to tell him how much i loved him so he would understand why i did what i did.

i didn't _want_ to leave him, but i was terrified that if we tried long-distance, it would go terribly and things would never be the same.

"you still haven't explained," he said stubbornly said, as i had anticipated he would.

i sighed.

"well, like i said, graduation is soon..."

i hesitated, unsure of where i should go with this next.

"...and?" he prompted after a while of silence.

i took a deep breath. i couldn't tell him yet.

"i know that you'll go on to do amazing things, and... i don't want to hold you back."

it wasn't exactly the truth he was looking for, but it wasn't a lie either.

"you never hold me back, only help me get stronger!"

"it's not just that. i still need to figure out how this real world thing works, and-"

"so i'm a burden." he cut me off. "you're going to the real world and don't wanna be held back by your immature boyfriend who's still in high school, is that right?"

my eyes widened. where did that come from?

"no! nothing like that! i... just need to know that i'll be able to figure this out on my own. that way i don't become dependent on you, just in case..."

"in case what?"

i remained quiet and shifted uncomfortably. this conversation was going in a different uncomfortable direction than i was thinking it would, and suddenly i was being forced to talk about feelings and doubts that i didn't even want to acknowledge.

"tell me," he demanded. "in case _what_?"

i clenched my fists.

"in case i end up as a failure, and you decide you don't want me anymore."

his expression held nothing but shock and disbelief.

"are you crazy?! i'd never want to leave you! what propaganda is this and who has been feeding you these lies?!"

i decided to ignore the last half of his questions about propaganda, and focused on the first half instead.

"you don't know that, it's impossible to know exactly how you'll feel in a year, or even a week from now. there are no guarantees in life, especially with feelings. i don't even know how you fell for me in the first place, and with that already unsteady base, it adds an extra layer of uncertainty and i don't know if our relationship would survive that."

i tried telling myself to stop speaking, but the words kept coming anyway. but i suppose this was a time for honesty, so i might as well address these concerns that had been bothering me subconsciously for a long time.

after i finished speaking, noya looked more angry than i could ever remember seeing him. at least, angrier at _me_ than i could remember.

well, i could remember one other time.

either way, i hated it.

"well obviously _not_. if you had that little faith in me and in our relationship, maybe it's for the best we broke up! if you're not willing to risk it for me, maybe it's for the best... maybe you are just a coward..."

i slumped my shoulders. i knew his words were true, but they still hurt. he would always joke about me being so shy, but i had never heard him say it with such conviction and malice.

"yeah... maybe i am. i just figured that i should be able to find confidence for myself to make this work. if i don't even have faith in myself, how can i have faith in a relationship? i've heard people say it's hard to love someone else if you struggle to love yourself..."

i didn't want to stick around any longer for the rest of this conversation, so i began to walk away, and i heard noya yelling after me.

"wait, asahi, i didn't mean it like that! i was mad and it slipped out!"

i stopped in my tracks. he always talked too much.

"i know. you always talk a lot, even when it gets you into trouble. i think that was enough talking for one night, i'm tired. we can talk more later though, alright?"

i was far too emotionally exhausted to deal with unearthing any more of these hidden doubts.

he stared at me for a while, looking conflicted, before he finally responded.

"alright."

he didn't say anything else, which sort of bummed me out even more.

"goodnight, noya."

i started the walk home again, and after a minute, i heard noya calling out, "goodnight, asahi."

as i walked, i considered everything. this felt like our big argument earlier in the year... but it wasn't quite the same. just the fact of walking away like this after such an emotionally draining conversation.

i clenched my fists, barely paying attention to my surroundings.

if i couldn't tell him that i was going to college _now_ , how was i going to tell him later? i knew i would have to tell him at some point before graduation, but there were only three weeks left until that happened. less than a month to prepare myself for this. twenty one days.

i cracked my knuckles as i reached my house.

"i'm home!" i called out, taking off my shoes at the door.

"hey, pal, how was practice?" my dad asked, poking his head into the front hall.

i sighed deeply.

"exhausting."

"yeah, you seem tired. there's dinner keeping warm in the oven for you, but make sure to get to bed right away so you don't fall asleep in class tomorrow."

"yes, sir," i said with a mock salute.

i hung up my book bag and jacket on the coat rack, then headed to the kitchen for dinner. i passed my mom on the way, and had pretty much the same conversation with her as with my dad, then went to eat as quickly as possible.

after that, i raced up to my room, and flung myself onto my bed.

i needed a plan of how i was going to tell him. and after that, i needed to tell at least one person so i could be held accountable and not back out.

i would probably tell daichi and suga, since they were my best friends, and i would trust them with anything.

i began thinking about everything that had happened since i broke up with noya, and how much trouble i had caused- and was still causing.

my stomach felt like it was rolling over, and i grabbed my pillow, clutching it to my chest. it felt like there was a fan in my chest, but one of the blades was broken. i kept trying to remind myself how to breathe, but it didn't seem to be working. i squeezed my pillow tighter and tighter until it seemed like a miracle that the stuffing didn't pop out. at the very least, it would probably be permanently flat after this.

how could i do something so horrible? maybe noya was right. maybe i was unbelievably cruel for refusing to explain to him.

with shaking hands, i pulled out my phone and opened my group text with daichi and suga.

i sent a simple message.

_'can any of you video call right now? i'm not feeling well, and i need to talk to someone.'_


	10. facetime therapy

**_.azumane._ **

_'can any of you video call right now? i'm not feeling well, and i need to talk to someone.'_

hardly a minute had passed before i saw three dots pop up from suga first, then daichi. i knew they would respond quickly with a message like that. we'd been friends for so long, they knew how bad my anxiety could get at times, and would always try to respond and help me as quickly as they could.

they had both messaged back that they would be able to call, so i tapped the button, having to try a couple times before my shaking fingers were finally able to get it.

seconds later, their worried faces appeared on the screen. i always felt so awkward on video calls and never knew what to do with my face, so i was tempted to turn off my camera, but i knew they would want to see my face to more accurately assess how i was feeling, so i kept it on.

"what's the matter?" daichi asked immediately, at the same time suga asked, "do you need either of us to come over?"

i bit my lip and squeezed my eyes closed for a second.

"you don't need to come over, it's not that bad. i- i feel like i can't breathe."

"again, i'll ask: what happened?" daichi demanded sternly.

"i talked to noya."

i heard suga gasp quietly.

"did it go alright? did either of you cry? was there any physical fighting? are you back together? are you working things out as friends? does he hate you? did he-"

daichi shushed suga, which i was glad for. i couldn't take the bombardment of questions so soon, especially not in this state.

"what exactly happened during your talk that made you so upset?" daichi inquired calmly.

i swallowed, which felt impossible around the lump in my throat, and wiped my sweaty hands on my pants.

i let one hand cover the upper half of my face as i used the other one to hold my phone.

"things got a little too real, and i... i feel like too much of a coward to even confront my feelings."

"asahi." this time it was suga who had finally calmed down. "please start from the beginning and actually explain what happened and what was said, otherwise we won't be able to help you."

"alright. he wanted to talk about why we broke up."

"okay, sorry to interrupt, but why did that happen? i thought everything was going so well between you guys?"

"well, it was, everything was so great, but... you both know that a short while ago i decided to go to college for that fashion design apprenticeship program after graduating instead of looking for a job immediately. ever since i made that decision, i've been trying to figure out how long distance would work, and i just couldn't justify it to myself. every scenario in my head ended in disaster, and he would hate me, and i would end up in some dead-end job, alone and fat forever."

daichi and suga exchanged a glance- one that i knew well. it was the look that meant they were exasperated by me whenever i started worrying too much. and i knew that maybe that exact situation wouldn't happen, but i couldn't help worrying anyway.

"you know that wouldn't happen," suga said.

"and even if it did, being fat isn't the end of the world," daichi added. "plus, you would still have us."

"okay, but what if in this alternate future-"

"asahi," they both said sternly at the same time, and i smiled sheepishly.

"let's just assume that none of us are planning on going anywhere for the time being, alright?" daichi said.

i nodded slowly and continued.

"okay. so anyway, he was wondering why we broke up, and i didn't want to tell him- cuz you know me, always nervous- and anyway, i tried to avoid the question and talk my way around it, but he wouldn't accept that, which i sort of guessed since he's so stubborn, so i knew i had to say something. but i knew i couldn't tell him yet, and i didn't know if i even _wanted_ to say anything yet. i know that when i tell him, everything will change, and i want to savor this short time we have left. i'm not ready for things to be different yet."

"i don't think any of us are, honestly," suga mused.

"he's right, but there's nothing we can do to stop the future from happening. whatever happens will happen, whether we're ready for it or not. i'm not saying you have to tell him immediately, but i would recommend doing it sooner rather than later," daichi suggested.

"i guess you're right... but yeah, in my attempt to avoid that tough question, i started talking about things that i didn't exactly want to acknowledge, and a bunch of insecurities were brought up. i said stuff about being scared about the real world and i didn't know if our relationship would survive- again, telling the truth but not the whole truth- and he called me a coward and said if i had that little faith in our relationship, maybe it was for the best that we broke up, and... i agreed with him that i was a coward. and before that, when i refused to explain, he said that he couldn't believe how cruel i was being, and now that i'm home, i've been thinking about everything that's happened since the breakup... and i'm thinking maybe i was cruel. and a coward. i refused to explain even though i knew he was hurting, and i couldn't even put the bare minimum of trust into our relationship."

i fell silent after my long rant, and awkwardly sat there, waiting for them to respond, watching their stunned faces.

then they turned slightly angry in a concerned way, and both started talking at once, making it impossible to decipher their words.

"sorry," daichi said to suga. "you can talk first."

suga nodded and started his rebuttal.

"asahi, listen. no matter what happens, you're not a coward, and you are _certainly_ not cruel. yeah, you get nervous sometimes- well, a lot of the times- but that's okay. it's fine if it takes you a bit more time and effort to work up the courage to do certain things than others, and you shouldn't take words that he said while he was probably angry to heart. i know that sounds tough, but you have got to believe me."

"but i-" i started, then daichi cut me off.

"hey, i haven't spoken yet. now, i agree with pretty much everything suga says, but i want to remind you that you're not a bad person, you just made a mistake. everyone does, and that's okay, you just need to take this opportunity to learn from it and grow to be a better person."

i took a deep breath, and realized that as i had been talking to them, my breathing had gotten a lot more steady and felt more natural than it had fifteen minutes ago.

"i guess you guys are right... it's just hard sometimes. i keep telling myself that i can fix this, it was just a mistake, but the words just feel empty now. like i've repeated them so much, they don't mean anything anymore, and i'm just saying them to say them."

suga smiled gently.

"i know it's hard now, but just hang in there, and before you know it, this will be a distant memory. it'll all just seem like a bad dream."

"suga's right. you're in the thick of it now, and it feels the worst. but give it time, and things will start to heal naturally. that doesn't mean you shouldn't put in an effort to fix things yourself though, otherwise things will never get better. just do all you can until you get to the point where you can't do anymore, and then just wait it out."

i smiled tentatively.

"thanks, you guys, i really appreciate that. but i'm really tired now, so i think i'm gonna do a bit of homework and then go to bed."

they nodded.

"alright, goodnight, asahi."

"goodnight, asahi."

"goodnight, daichi, goodnight, suga."

i disconnected from the call and closed my eyes. i counted backward from ten, then went to the front hall to grab my book bag, then back to my room to work on my english. i wasn't great at english, but i knew it was an important thing to at least have basic conversational skills, so i worked as hard as i could on it.

once i felt like i had done enough for one night, i showered, got into pajamas, and collapsed into my bed. it felt like heaven to finally allow the sweet waves of sleep to wash over me, like the soothing sound of ocean waves after a long day.


	11. yuu comes clean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> giving this one last proofread, i'm realizing it's kinda a filler, but there is a bit of an important plot developement, so. enjoy.

_**.nishinoya.** _

i didn't walk home immediately.

i stayed frozen to the spot, feeling like emptiness was sinking into my skin, and watched him walk away until i couldn't see him anymore.

suddenly, i felt a delayed bit of anger flare through me. why hadn't i made him stay and explain more?! obviously there was something he still wasn't saying, but _what_?

i flipped off the spot where he had been standing minutes ago.

"you bitch," i whispered sharply to myself.

i began to think about everything that had just happened, starting to breathe heavily.

i figured that maybe i should think about this at home in case i started angry-crying (or just regular crying), and plus at home, i could facetime ryū and he could help me feel better.

so i took off running as fast as i could to get to my house.

by the time i arrived, i could hardly breathe as i loudly burst through the door.

i heard my mom saying something to my dad, and they both laughed, then my dad called out, "hi, yuu! how was practice?"

i took off my shoes and stumbled into the kitchen to see them sitting at the table.

"good," i panted.

"did you run home?" my mom asked, her brows furrowed.

i nodded, and went over to the sink to get a glass of water.

"why did you run?"

i shrugged, chugging the water.

"lots of extra energy to get out after practice, or something."

my parents exchanged a Look.

"well, bud, we're glad you're feeling better, but don't push yourself too hard. you only just got over that sickness," said my dad.

i frowned.

"yeah," i mumbled, and put my glass in the sink.

"well, how _was_ practice?" asked my mom brightly.

i sat at the table.

"it was pretty good."

"that's good. but again, make sure you're not overworking yourself."

i nodded slowly, and kept my gaze directed at my hands awkwardly. now that i was feeling slightly less sad (well, i was still upset but in a different way), i felt guilty about lying about being sick just so i could skip school.

"are you feeling alright, sweetie? you're not getting sick again, are you?"

my mom placed her hands over mine.

i scrunched up my face and closed my eyes, but i couldn't take it anymore.

"uh, guys? i need to tell you something important," i faltered.

they shared another Look. made sense, since i wasn't bothering to hide my nerves at all, and i wasn't a generally nervous person.

"what is it, honey?" my mom asked.

"you can tell us anything," my dad added.

i squirmed a little in my seat, and drew my hands away, clasping them together in my lap.

"uhh... i'm... bisexual?" i admitted, uncertainly bleeding into every word.

another Look, then they looked back at me, with tender and affectionate gazes.

"thank you for telling us, that was a very brave thing to do."

"and we don't see you any differently, you're still our son and we love you."

i felt tears welling up in my eyes.

"thanks, you guys," i whispered.

they cooed a bit and came over to my chair to hug me from either side.

i leaned into it gladly as i shook, letting the tears escape my eyes and fall over my lower lids, trailing down my cheeks, and over my chin, several making their way into my mouth.

we stayed there for a while until my tears had mostly stopped, and when they pulled away and sat back down, i wiped my eyes and sniffled a bit.

"that's not all, there's more," i confessed. "you know that guy on the team, asahi? the ace, number three, long hair?"

they nodded.

"well, um... me and him dated for a bit, but... recently he broke up with me and didn't explain anything, and i-" i stopped to angrily swipe at the new tears forming in my eyes, and swallow the lump in my throat. "i was reminded of middle school, because he refused to explain. and just now, after practice, before i got home, um... we had a talk and i tried to get him to explain, and he kind of did, but i still feel like there's something he's not telling me. and- and the worst part is that-" i choked down a sob. "he said he still loved me, but he still broke up with me."

i bit my lip, but i couldn't stop the next round of tears.

this time my parents each grabbed one of my hands.

"i'm so sorry you had to get through that. is that why you didn't want to go to school on thursday?"

i nodded.

"that's alright, baby. if he did something like that, maybe he didn't deserve you anyway. he's gotta be messed up to not see that he had such a great young man with him and just throw him away."

i drew my hands back again. i'm sure my mom meant well, but her statement sort of felt like a punch to the heart (emotionally, not physically).

that's the thing, this was what i was so worried about. he had expressed his concerns that he wasn't good enough for me, but he was more than good enough. and he _did_ deserve me, and yeah, he made a mistake, but-

i stopped my thoughts in their tracks. i was trying to excuse his actions, but i didn't know if i was ready to forgive him yet, or try to justify what he did.

"oh no, i said something wrong didn't i?" my mom fretted.

"kind of... asahi is a pretty insecure guy, and can be painfully shy at times, so the thing is... i think he _did_ deserve me. and i try to tell myself he just made a mistake, but then i think maybe i shouldn't try to rationalize or justify to myself what he did, and i'm not really sure if i'm ready to forgive him yet."

"and that's perfectly fine. these things take some time to sort out," my dad advised.

i nodded.

"thanks, guys. i think i'm gonna go to my room now."

they nodded.

"at least take some food with you."

i agreed and filled up a plate with food, then took it back to my room.

i sat on the floor leaning against the bed, and slowly ate my food until there was none left. despite how slowly i ate, i was still surprised when i reached for another bite and there was none left.

i sighed and leaned my head back to rest on the edge of my bed, setting my plate on the floor. i closed my eyes, and recounted everything that had just happened.

with all these emotions going through me in such a short time, i was exhausted, but i couldn't go to bed without telling ryū about everything.

i dragged my eyes open and sluggishly grabbed my phone out of my pocket.

i opened my conversation with ryū, and just sent this simple message: _'bro, can u call me? need to talk about what happened'_


	12. tanaka gives Good Advice

**_.nishinoya._ **

_'bro, can u call me? need to talk about what happened'_

a couple minutes went by until i felt my phone buzz again.

_'calling now, brøthër 👌'_

soon enough, i was looking at ryū's face and bare torso, speckled with water, and a towel around his shoulders.

"sorry, bro, i just got out of the shower, but what's up?"

"you're fine. it was the talk with asahi..."

"oh shoot, that's right, how did it go?"

i groaned and threw my arm over my face.

"that good, huh?" he asked sympathetically.

i groaned again.

"i mean... i guess it was kind of good, but it was awful! i was horrible! but he kind of was too...?"

"explain. exclude no details."

"alright, so after i left, he was waiting by the bike racks, and i was like, 'okay, this is gonna be a time for complete honesty... but that might take a while, so we should probably sit down.' so we did, and i told him i kissed you and he was all like, 'whaa?!' and i was like, 'don't worry, bro, it was totally platonic, i'm still totally in love with you.' then he was quiet for a while, before he told me he still loved me too, then i was the one like, 'whaa?!' cuz if he was still in love with me, why would he break up with me, right?"

i paused to take a breath, and he shook his head in disbelief.

"i can't believe it! so what happened after that? did you ever get him to explain?"

"that's the thing. technically yes, but i don't know. i feel like there was still something he wasn't telling me."

"well, what _did_ he tell you?"

"well he kept trying to avoid the question, and i said that since he wouldn't explain, he was cruel, then he tried avoiding it again entirely by telling me how much he loved me, and i guess he thought that would soften the blow or something, but honestly, it kinda made me feel worse, because i knew he still loved me that much, but he still broke up with me and didn't tell me why. so anyway, i kept pressing him, and eventually he said, 'well, graduation is soon,' and i was like, 'huh??' but also kind of dreadful, like, 'oh...'"

"that's right, the third years will be gone pretty soon, won't they?" he mused. "but i thought he wasn't doing the whole university thing, so what's the big idea?"

"exactly! but then i kept pushing for more info, and he was all like, 'i don't wanna hold you back from doing great things,' and i was like, 'bitch, the fuck?! you don't hold me back, you make me better!' and it was a whole thing. then he said he needed to figure out how the real world works, so i asked him if he felt like i was a burden and if he didn't want some immature boyfriend still in high school, and he went, 'omg, babe, no!' and then-"

i paused to take a breath, holding up my hand to signal my pause. after a couple seconds i could breathe again, so i continued my story.

"so he was all like, 'you're not a burden! i wanna see how the world works on my own, just in case...' and i was like, 'in case _what_?' and he wouldn't answer so i asked again, and he was all like, 'in case i end up as a failure and you don't want me anymore.' so i was like, 'boi, are you crazy?! i'll always want you! what kind of propaganda is this?!' so he was like-"

i put on a stereotypical 'emo' voice.

"'you don't know how you'll feel in a year from now, or even next week-'"

i flipped my hair to cover my eyes.

"'nothing is guaranteed is this world, especially not feelings. i don't even know why you're with me in the first place, and with those doubts added, i can't see how we would last!'"

i flipped my hair back up and talked normally again.

"again, i was like, 'are you on crack?!' cuz come _on_ , man! but anyway, i got really mad, and what i actually said was, 'do you have that little faith in this relationship?! if so, maybe it would be best if we broke up. if you're not willing to risk it for me, you are just a coward.' and he got all sad and went, 'yeah, maybe i am. i just thought i should have confidence in myself first, because how are you supposed to love someone else when you have trouble loving yourself?' and he started walking away, and i felt _super_ guilty, so i told him i was mad and it just slipped out, which is true. so he stopped and looked back at me and was like, 'yeah, you always talk too much, even when it gets you in trouble.' and then said he was too tired to talk anymore, and said we'd talk more later, and i kind of wanted to make him stay, cuz who knows the next time i'll get that kind of honesty, right? but i figured if he's decided he's done sharing for the night, it's no use trying to get anything else out of him. so we said goodnight, and he walked away. then i felt mad again, so i flipped the bird to where he was standing before he left, and i went, 'you bitch.' and then i started getting kind of sad so i ran home, and-"

i took another huge gasp of air before continuing.

"so then obviously my parents noticed something was wrong, and they were like, 'oh no, are you feeling sick again?' then i felt guilty for lying to them about that, so long story short, i ended up coming out to them and talking about the breakup, and they kind of helped, but i knew i still had to talk to you about it, since i couldn't give them the full uncensored version of this whole thing, and plus i always need your advice, so yeah."

after i finally finished speaking, tanaka looked shocked and didn't say anything for a moment.

"that's a lot to take in," he said.

i awkwardly scratched my neck and smiled sheepishly.

"yeah, sorry. it was a lot for me to experience so i thought i'd give you a thorough explanation so you could feel like you were there. like you said, no details excluded. oh, also i cried a couple times when i was talking to my parents, but i think i'm mostly good now. although depending on how this chat goes, i might end up crying more still. it's kind of weird, i feel like i've never cried this much. i guess asahi is making me a bit of a crybaby."

i chuckled slightly, even though it wasn't really funny.

"uh, yeah, so anyways. do you want some type of advice or reassurance? or did you just want to vent?"

i thought about it.

"venting was nice, but there's something bothering me."

"spill it, sis."

"so, like i mentioned before, i called him a coward, and i said he was unbelievably cruel." i bit my lip. "and yeah, he can be a bit nervous at times, but i don't _really_ think he's a coward, and he's _certainly_ not cruel. he's the least cruel person i've met! he's the opposite of cruel, he's just like... a big, kind of scary looking teddy bear. but yeah... his face when i said those things... he looked devastated, and i instantly wish i could've taken it back, but it's too late now, and _ughh_ i just feel so guilty."

i bit my lip as i dwelled on it and felt the lump returning to my throat, and a heat behind my eyes.

"okay, okay, let's calm down," ryū quickly suggested. "normally i wouldn't suggest something like this, but let's stop and think. breathe deeply. breathe with my voice. in... and out. in... and out."

i breathed along with this vocal cues, and soon enough i felt the pre-crying feelings disappear.

"alright, feeling a little better?"

i nodded.

"yeah, a little."

"alright. like i said, let's think about this. you called him a coward and cruel, and now you feel guilty. i know we can't assuage these feelings of guilt just by looking at it logically, but it's a good start. just remember, you were angry at him, and everyone says things they don't mean when they're angry. you made a mistake, and that's alright. it happens to everyone. let him know you're sorry, but only when you're ready, because he's also at fault here. you aren't the only one to blame. and he probably already knows how bad you feel, right? another good start. now, just keep thinking about this, and over the next few days or weeks, you can keep trying to talk to him more and work these things out. eventually, your guilt will disappear. hopefully. that's how it usually works for me anyway, sometimes i just feel really weird emotionally, but i give it a couple days and everything usually goes back to normal."

i squirmed.

"i guess you're right."

he got a look of pride on his face.

"of course i am, i'm amazing and a genius." he became sincere again. "but yes, i hope i could help."

"yeah, but... i also think there's something else he's not telling me."

"what do you think it is? do you think he has a side chick?!"

i did a double take.

"what?! ryū, i know i'm bi, but he's just flat-out gay."

"oh, right."

"and also, i have no idea what he's not saying. i wish i did though. i just want him to know that whatever it is, i won't get mad at him. not too mad anyway, and hopefully we could work things out."

"yeah... well, like i said before, just keep trying to talk to him and let him know that you won't get mad, and hopefully he'll soon feel enough at ease to tell you whatever it is."

i smiled.

"thanks, ryū. you're good at giving advice."

"yeah, and speaking of-"

i yawned, not really hearing his words.

"actually, i'm really tired now, so i'm gonna hit the hay, but maybe we can talk about that later."

he paused, looking a little uncertain.

"...okay, goodnight, noya. sleep well."

i nodded.

"thanks, you too. goodnight."

i disconnected the call, and groaned looking at my dirty dishes.

i grabbed them, ran to the kitchen to put them in the sink, then ran back to my room. my gaze fell on my book bag, where i knew i had unfinished homework waiting for me, but i was much too tired to do that now.

i grabbed my pajamas, headed to the bathroom, showered and got changed, brushed my teeth, washed my face, then headed back to my room.

i turned off the light, got into bed, and plugged my phone in.

then i laid down, and closed my eyes.

given how tired i was, i expected to fall asleep quickly.

however, i couldn't stop replaying everything in my mind, and feeling that guilt.

i ended up lying awake for what seemed like hours, just watching the shadows move across my ceiling.


	13. it's not Ideal, but it's a Start

_**.azumane.** _

the next morning, i woke up feeling groggy and like my brain was submerged in jelly.

i groaned and rolled over, jabbing a finger at my alarm to turn it off.

i rolled over onto my back and closed my eyes for a minute, before quickly getting out of bed, because that was a dangerous game. the alarm was off and i was still pretty tired, so it definitely wouldn't be a good idea to try anything that might make me fall asleep again and be late for school.

i sluggishly got dressed and ready for school, going downstairs for a quick breakfast, before heading back upstairs to brush my teeth and grab my book bag.

with a quick, 'goodbye,' to my parents, i was out the door.

"morning, asahi!" i heard a high, clear voice call out.

"how are you?" a deeper voice asked.

"suga? daichi? why are you outside my house? how long have you been here?"

they beamed at me.

"we've been here for about five minutes," suga replied.

"we're here to walk you to school to make sure you don't chicken out and skip," daichi explained. "also just to make sure you're alright."

my lower lip trembled slightly.

"you guys..."

"please don't cry!" suga shouted.

"i won't!" i exclaimed.

"i think this calls for a group hug then."

i nodded, and the three of us awkwardly clambered together for a quick hug, then we were off to school.

along the way, they asked what i was gonna do about the nishinoya situation.

"ughhh," i groaned.

"well don't sound so excited," daichi chuckled.

"yeah, whatever. i want to fix things between us... i don't know if i'll be able to tell him today, but i still want to try to talk to him some more. i miss being friends with him. and dating him too, but that's out of the question at the moment."

"well, it didn't _have_ to be," suga pointed out.

i threw my hands in the air in frustration, clenching my fists.

"i know that! i feel really bad about it too..."

"sorry..."

i shook my head and dropped my hands back to my sides.

"it's fine. you're right anyway. but, yeah, you guys need to make sure that i tell him my future school plans by graduation at the latest."

"alright, we'll make sure to pressure you every single day."

"oh no, that actually sounds stressful," i complained.

"what were you expecting? now let's get a move on, you took long enough to leave the house, we're gonna be late!"

"it's not even real practice! the season is technically over!" i pointed out.

daichi pointed at me.

"touchée, but that still doesn't mean we should be late. after all, what kind of example are we setting as captain, vice captain, and ace? and also just third years. the firsties need a good example to look up to and follow."

"guess you're right."

"of course i am. now let's hurry."

i groaned, but we all sped up a bit and got to school quickly.

it seemed as though we were the last to arrive, when we got to the club room and it was empty.

"i told you, asahi!" daichi said, quickly throwing his stuff down and starting to change.

"yeah, i know, you told me," i grumbled, setting my things down as well.

suga didn't say anything, just giggled quietly and hummed to himself as he changed.

i took a quick glance at daichi, and saw him staring at suga with The Most _whipped_ facial expression i had ever seen.

i chuckled softly to myself as i stuffed my clothes in my cubby and grabbed my volleyball shoes.

i walked down to the gym, figuring i'd give daichi and suga a minute alone 😳 before they came down too.

i walked into the gym and looked around at all the little groups before spotting nishinoya and tanaka on the floor a short distance between the other second years and the managers.

they seemed to be having some type of conversation, but i wanted to talk to noya, so i walked over to them.

"noya?" i said softly, looking down at them.

they both sat up quickly.

"what is it?" he asked, sounding hesitant, which was unusual for him.

"could i talk to you... alone?"

he made a face.

"whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of ryū," he declared.

"alright." i sat on the floor next to them. "i don't want things to be awkward between us anymore, i hate it."

"you think i like it? it fucking sucks."

"yeah... which is why i wanted to talk. i know our talk last night was a little... rocky... but i want to at least try to be friends again."

he stared at me with narrowed eyes for a second, then resumed his normal expression.

"alright."

"alright?"

he shrugged.

"yeah. i don't see why not."

he held his fist out for a fist bump, and i gladly obliged.

"okay, so anyway, suga and daichi walked with me to school this morning, and i swear to god, daichi is so whipped."

"oh man, tell me about it! literally, he doesn't even try to hide it, they're so married."

"not to barge into this conversation..." tanaka began.

"go ahead," noya said.

"okay, y'all are talking about how whipped daichi is, have you seen suga?! seriously, there are some times where i'm surprised he doesn't get a nosebleed."

noya laughed loudly, and i chuckled.

"seriously."

as i took in the situation, i smiled. i wasn't expecting it to be this easy, and it wouldn't always be, but i was glad for this small bit of normal-ness.

then something a bit startling happened. for the first time in days, tanaka willingly addressed me directly without being angry and/or protective of noya.

"asahi, you've known them the longest. have they always been like that? what's it like being a third wheel?"

i thought about it.

"well... at the beginning of first year, obviously we had just met, so it was a bit awkward at first, but we all became good friends pretty quickly. and daichi and suga obviously had feelings for each other by the start of second year, but it wasn't until summer break that they actually got together. and being a third wheel to them is a bit awkward sometimes, but they try to keep it all friendly when i'm around."

"that's considerate of them."

"yes, they do tend to be considerate people."

the gym door slid open again, drawing our attention.

"well, speak of the devils," noya said.

"do you think they were in there fucking?" tanaka whispered.

i shuddered.

"i didn't leave them along for _that_ long. plus, i don't wanna think about that."

"yeah, it's just weird and gross. i mean, fine for them, but i don't wanna know, that's none of my business."

"yeah, true."

practice started soon after, and went pretty well. a few awkward moments, but it was definitely an improvement from yesterday.


	14. nishinoya is a Bad Influence

**_.azumane._ **

i thought everything would still be alright at afternoon practice.

alas, i was mistaken.

i tried to greet noya.

"hey, noya, what's up?"

he glanced at me, seeming slightly uncomfortable.

"hey, asahi, i'm fine. uh... i'm sorry, i've gotta go help tanaka stretch."

he quickly scooted away to where tanaka was already being helped with stretches by ennoshita, and i frowned.

i thought i had made some progress this morning! where did i go wrong? i lost a friend-

wait, no, those are song lyrics. focus, asahi.

would this be just like friday's practice again, where he would make every excuse to ignore me? if so, that would really suck.

i went through a whole weekend of torture, not knowing what was going on with him, and knowing we would have to talk on monday. and then, when monday _did_ roll around... we didn't necessarily avoid each other on purpose, but we didn't speak much either until after the entire day went by.

i felt a hand on my shoulder and turned to see daichi standing next to me.

"you've been staring at nishinoya for the last minute or two. everything alright? it seemed like you guys were talking fine this morning."

"uh... i'm not sure actually. i thought things were alright, but i tried to say hi, and he sort of ran away."

daichi studied my face for a second.

"you're whipped, aren't you?"

remembering the conversation from this morning, i snorted.

"what? did i say something weird?" daichi asked.

i shook my head.

"no, sorry, just thinking of something else... but... yeah, i guess you're kind of right. damn, who would've thought?"

"whoa, whoa, whoa! who taught you those kind of words?!"

"what? 'damn'? that's not even that bad."

he shook his head, a mix of disappointment and anger.

"i should've known nishinoya would be a bad influence on you. we'll have to wash your mouth out after this."

i screwed my face up.

"you know, just because i don't cuss that often doesn't mean i'm not _allowed_ to. besides, it could've been a lot worse."

"you're right, it could've been worse, but absolutely not, you are not allowed to cuss."

"you know what? i don't have to take this from someone under 180cm."

"hey! well... i don't have to take that from someone a year younger than me!"

"I AM LITERALLY A DAY YOUNGER THAN YOU. JUST BECAUSE YOU WERE BORN ON DECEMBER 31st, AND I WAS BORN ON JANUARY 1ST DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING."

he laughed heartily.

"oh, asahi, i hope you never change."

"wait, what's that supposed to mean?"

he patted me on the back, and without answering, walked away again.

i groaned. well, maybe i'd figure it out later.

for now, i need to try to figure out this noya situation.

several times throughout practice, i tried to approach him, but he always had convenient excuses to avoid me.

///

finally, when we were about 15 minutes out from the end of practice, i was starting to give up hope.

_'maybe i shouldn't try talking to him after all... maybe he really does hate me...'_

then i heard suga's voice in my head, telling me that he and daichi would pressure me every day that i didn't tell him the real reason i broke up with him.

i breathed out quickly a couple times to psyche myself up, then walked over to noya.

"nishinoya."

he looked over at me.

"what is it?"

"i'm sorry, but i have to be blunt here. did something happen between morning practice and now? why are you suddenly avoiding me again? i know it's not gonna be easy at first, but i thought we were at least making some progress towards being friends again."

he shifted slightly, his expression slightly pensive.

"oh, right... sorry about that, we can talk about it later. it's a bit too serious for right now, i think."

that made me a bit nervous, but i tried to smile at least a little bit.

"ah, i see... alright then. friends for now?"

he smiled a bit too, although it also seemed forced.

"yeah, friends for now."

we talked a little bit more after that, but eventually had to go back to practicing and not completely waste the last 10 minutes, so that was that for now.

///

while we were cleaning up when practice had finished, i was panic-venting to suga and daichi again.

"oh my god, noya said he wants to talk seriously again. what if he's not convinced with what i told him about why i broke up with him and he makes me tell him about my plans for college?"

daichi laughed a little, his expression teasing.

"you know you don't actually have to tell him anything if you're not ready, right?"

i stared at him with wide eyes.

"you don't understand, he has this face that he makes, and it's like mind control or something. then, before i know it, i'm suddenly spilling my deepest, darkest secrets."

suga commented, "well, if you really must tell him, we'll be hiding around the corner with nerf guns, to shoot you if you chicken out."

i did a double take.

"nerf guns?! why do you just have those here?!"

daichi shrugged.

"well, we keep them in the club room to detain any troublemakers, so usually they're reserved for first and second years, but if we must use them on you, we won't hesitate."

at that moment, tanaka was passing by, and he must've heard at least the end of that sentence, because he started yelling, but it didn't make any sense to me.

"I HEARD YOU WERE HANGING OUT WITH KAITLYN THE OTHER DAY!"

i furrowed my eyebrows.

"what? who's kait-?"

before i could even finish my thought, nishinoya yelled back from across the room.

"R- REBECCA, IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!"

tanaka held up his hands in finger guns, pointing them at noya, and screamed, "I WON'T HESITATE, BITCH," before pretending to shoot him.

he dramatically fell to the ground at the feet of a giggling hinata and yamaguchi.

at this point i was shaking slightly. what was going on??

"wh- what just happened?" i asked slowly, facing suga and daichi again.

suga shook his head with an endearing and knowing smile.

"you'll understand when you're older."

"but i-"

he pressed a finger to my lips.

"shhh, no more words. i'll text you a link with all the info you need. right after holding you accountable by shooting you in the neck with a nerf dart."

i moved his hand away from my face.

"please don't shoot me in the neck, that sounds painful."

he grinned mischievously.

"i can't promise anything."

daichi chuckled, staring at suga with the Whipped face again before turning back to me.

"don't worry, i'll try to stop him, but don't blame me if you get shot in the neck anyway."

i screwed up my face with displeasure.

"ugh, fine. i guess i can't delay the inevitable."

they laughed, and at that moment, it almost seemed like everything was okay again.


	15. there's a Good Reason tanaka and noya are on the floor, you Just Haven't figured it out Yet

_**.nishinoya.** _

after about three and a half hours of tossing and turning, and four hours of actual sleep, i woke up to my alarm going off, feeling like shit.

i groaned, but quickly got ready and got to school.

i still felt a little guilty over the talk with asahi, but hopefully we could start talking some more and work everything out.

i got into the gym, and went over to talk with the other second years (minus ryū because he's always a little late) while waiting for practice to begin.

eventually everyone showed up, including tanaka, but the third years (excluding kiyoko) were inexplicably missing.

i exchanged a glance with tanaka, and we both shrugged.

"why do you think the third years would be late?" tanaka asked. "even _i_ was earlier than them, and _that's_ Something."

"yeah, i-"

suddenly, a floral scent wafted over, and ryu and i shot to our feet as kiyoko walked by.

"kiyoko-san!" we yelled in unison.

she glanced at us, but kept walking. i ran to keep up with her, wanting to try something.

"kiyoko! you must've heard by now..."

she glanced at me curiously,

"that me and asahi broke up?"

"oh, yes, i heard. i'm very sorry about that."

i gasped internally. she actually responded to me!

"thank you, kiyoko-san. it's kind of been bumming me out, but maybe a hug would make me feel better?"

she looked at me skeptically for a minute, then sighed.

"i'm feeling generous today, so alright."

she opened her arms, and my face lit up. i rushed to return the hug, and held it for several moments.

i was ecstatic to discover the new information that she seemed to be the type of person that didn't pull away from the hug until you did.

"thank you, kiyoko-san, you have brought me a small bit of happiness in these trying times!"

she actually smiled a bit when i said that!

soon, tanaka was next to me.

"kiyoko-san, i'm also going through a tough time and could use a hug."

she raised an eyebrow.

"really? mind telling me what that is?"

he blushed and scuffed his foot on the floor a bit.

"uh... it's kind of personal, i've only told like two people... it's kind of an emotional turmoil thing."

her face shifted from skeptical, to slightly concerned.

"are you trying to say you're not always full of energy and happiness?"

he frowned a bit.

"not at all. usually i am, but... this is different."

"well... i guess you can have a hug too."

i saw him start to smile, but he stifled it until he was hugging her and she wouldn't be able to see his face.

after we both had our hugs, she continued walking towards yachi, where it seemed she was originally going.

"ryū!"

"noya!"

"did that just happen?! did kiyoko-san give us both hugs?!"

"i think she did!"

i feigned a swoon, and laid on the floor.

"did we just die and go to heaven?!"

he laid next to me and pinched me.

"ow! what was that for?" i complained.

"no! we're not dead! it was real!" he responded.

my face lit up again.

"i can't believe it, dude!"

"me either!"

suddenly, our rejoicing was cut short.

"noya?" a soft voice said.

i looked up to see asahi standing above me and the grin slid from my face, adrenaline draining out of me.

i hadn't even heard the door open.

i sat up quickly, and so did ryū.

i chewed on the inside of my lip for a second, negative thoughts rushing into my head, but i brushed them away as best as i could.

"what it is?" i asked.

"could i talk to you... alone?"

now _that_ surprised me. _he_ was the one initiating this? and he had the confidence to say something with tanaka right next to me, knowing full well that he would be close by either way, ready to throw hands if asahi said something wrong.

i made a face, considering it for a moment before making my decision.

"whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of ryū," i firmly stated.

he paused.

"alright." he sat on the floor next to us. "i don't want things to be awkward between us anymore, i hate it."

well now he's just stating the obvious.

"you think _i_ like it? it fucking sucks."

"yeah... which is why i wanted to talk. i know our talk last night was a little... rocky... but i want to at least try to be friends again."

i narrowed my eyes. to say that the talk was rocky was an understatement.

and i wasn't sure if i was ready to be friends again so soon... but it was worth a try.

"alright."

"alright?"

i shrugged.

"yeah. i don't see why not."

i held out my hand in a fist, and he bumped his own fist against mine, before speaking again.

"okay, so anyway, suga and daichi walked with me to school this morning, and i swear to god, daichi is so whipped."

///

that day during school, i was distracted- more than usual, that is.

i couldn't stop thinking about this morning's practice.

i mean, yeah, it was nice to talk to asahi normally again, but it felt too sudden. like, just last night we were having this serious conversation and saying those awful things, and i went home and cried and came out to my parents, and everything should've been different...

but then just that casual conversation... it felt wrong. like he was trying to avoid the hard part and make everything alright again. and i know we can't really talk about all _that_ stuff in the middle of practice, but still.

and i felt really guilty for calling him cruel and a coward, but i still hadn't apologized.

as soon as lunch rolled around, i took my food and ran to ryū's classroom, and sat at an empty desk next to his.

"tanaka ryūnosuke!" i shouted, turning my chair and slamming my bento on his desk.

he flinched.

"it wasn't me! wait, what? how did you get here so quickly?!"

"i ran."

"okay, so what-"

"listen, bro, i'm having a tiny breakdown moment."

"oh boy. what's going on?"

"ugh, are the others here yet?" i asked, peering around. each day we had an agreement on who's classroom to meet in since we weren't all in the same class. today it was tanaka's day.

"nope, just you. you got here quick. you ran, remember?"

"right, yeah. so. the situation. it's asahi."

"again? i know you said not to mess up his face, but if i need to-"

"no, nothing like that, my brain is being stupid again."

"how so?"

"this morning at practice... it was nice to talk to him normally again, but... it almost seemed too normal, ya know? like it's too soon for this, and we still need to work out more serious stuff, i don't know. and i still feel guilty for some of the stuff i said when we talked last night."

i kept my gaze glued to the desk and fidgeted as i confessed all this.

"i get where you're coming from, i mean all this is still really new and it probably feels like it's all happening way too fast. i think the best course of action is maybe try to avoid him for now if you feel uncomfortable, and talk to him seriously again later."

i looked up at him again.

"how are you so good at this advice?"

he grinned sheepishly and scratched his neck.

"not sure, i'm just sorta saying what seems logical."

"hey, by the way, earlier this morning, you mentioned your emotional turmoil. if you need to vent or want advice, go ahead, because i know i've been kind of dumping all my issues on you, but i haven't really been wondering how you've been doing with the ennoshita situation."

"ah, right. that." he shifted a bit in his chair. "actually, don't feel too bad, because... um, you can't tell anyone, but i've been keeping a journal of sorts to vent my feelings? and saeko's actually been a help with this, surprisingly."

"really?"

"yeah."

"well, i'm glad you're able to write about your feelings and talk to your sister, but like i said, i'm still open if you wanna talk. i feel like i could offer a bit of a different point of view, since realizing you're bi as a girl might be a bit different than realizing it as a guy. there are sort of different societal stigmas around each one, you know?"

"yeah, you're right... and i don't wanna talk too much about it now because i don't want anyone overhearing, and also the others are probably gonna get here soon, but if you're still feeling up to it later, maybe we could facetime?"

"yeah, that sounds good."

he nodded.

"thanks, man, you're the best."

"that's what i aim for. but, hey, thanks. you're the best too."

soon enough the others showed up and we all ate our lunch together, trading fun stories about our days thus far.

///

when afternoon practice rolled around, i decided to take ryū's advice and avoid asahi as much as possible until we could talk seriously again.

unfortunately, as soon as i arrived, he came up to me, and greeted, "hey, noya, what's up?"

my eyes darted around a bit. i didn't want to be completely rude, but i had to get out of this situation.

"hey, asahi, i'm fine. uh... i'm sorry, i've gotta go help tanaka stretch."

i rushed over to where he was already stretching with ennoshita, but hey, we could always make it a stretching threesome.

wait, that sounds weird, scratch that.

i shook my head to rid myself of the thought and proceeded with my warmup.

///

several times throughout practice, asahi kept trying to talk to me, which i had to give him credit for trying, but i made excuses to avoid it.

"sorry, i was gonna see if i could get yamaguchi's and kinoshita's serves. they've been working really hard recently."

"oh, i already promised shōyō that i would help him practice receives."

"i have to go talk to coach ukai about something."

and all things along those lines.

i felt pretty guilty about that too though, and eventually, toward the end of practice, i started thinking that maybe i _should_ talk to him after all. we can talk seriously later, but for now, it's not very nice to just avoid him for no reason.

as i was turning this idea over in my head, asahi came up to me and spoke.

"nishinoya."

i looked up at him.

"what is it?"

"i'm sorry, but i have to be blunt here. did something happen between morning practice and now? why are you suddenly avoiding me again? i know it's not gonna be easy at first, but i thought we were at least making some progress towards being friends again."

i was surprised at his confidence, but i thought over his words for a minute before responding.

"oh, right... sorry about that, we can talk about it later. it's a bit too serious for right now, i think."

he looked nervous, but smiled a bit.

"ah, i see... alright then. friends for now?"

i forced a smile as well.

"yeah, friends for now."

we talked a little bit more after that, but eventually had to go back to practicing and not completely waste the last 10 minutes, so that was that for now.


	16. tanaka's Confusion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> realized i've been neglecting tanka's side of the story and only been focusing on the asanoya sadness, so here's tanaka being... well... confused.

_**.tanaka.** _

this had all started when noya was first at my house venting about being stressed to talk to asahi. that was three days ago, and these have probably been three of the most stressful days of my life.

he had brought up the idea that i might like ennoshita, which i honestly hadn't thought about much before, but now... now it was almost _all_ i could think about.

and every time i _did_ think about it, i got this horrible feeling like there was a pit in my stomach. my chest ached, there was a lump in my throat, and it got harder to breathe.

my entire life, i had thought i was straight and never wondered otherwise. of course, i had lgbt friends, and always completely supported them, but i never thought about it for myself.

in fact, i actually had a crush on kiyoko for a long time in my first year, but i had been over that for a while. of course she was beautiful, and nice, and smelled like flowers blooming on a fresh, spring morning, but she was just a good friend now, and someone to look up to.

but now... ennoshita, whom i had been friends with for the longest time...

of course i could admit that he was good looking- objectively, of course- and i always enjoyed spending time with him... but did i _like him_ like him?

it was monday night, and i was currently on the phone, venting to saeko.

"ugh, okay, but i'm seriously so confused. i'll think about it really hard, and every time i _think_ i maybe have at least a tiny bit figured out, i think about it again and it's like, 'nope, never mind,' and arghhhh." i kicked my legs around a bit, messing up my bedsheets.

"yeah, i know it can be really frustrating. also, do you think you could give a bit more of a clear example? what part do you think you have figured out before changing your mind?"

"well, sometimes i'm like, 'well... i guess i could see myself dating him...' but then i think about what it would be like just dating any guy in general, and it's like, 'nah, fam, not for me,' and it's annoying and confusing and i hate it here. here being my brain."

"well, you know... you don't have to be bisexual to like a guy..."

"that literally makes no sense. what does that even mean?"

"well, technically you could be bi, with just a very low amount of attraction to guys, since attraction isn't always 50/50 between two genders. you could just have a large preference for girls over boys. _or_ what i was suggesting earlier. there's something called heteroflexible, which is basically when you're mostly straight, but there may be an exception or two. in this case, ennoshita would be the exception for you."

"why have i never heard of this before?"

"well, it's not as widespread or talked about as much as other lgbt identities."

"yeah, you can say that again."

"it's not as widespread or talked about as-"

"i was being sarcastic."

she laughed. "right."

i sighed heavily.

"oh no," she said. "you're still upset, what's wrong?"

"well... it's nice to be able to talk to you about this, but..."

i squirmed uncomfortably. i wish it wasn't true, and i didn't want to say it, but...

"what is it?"

"i mean... yuu was the one that brought up this whole thing. and he said that i could always talk to him about it... but recently... i know it sounds kind of selfish, but it's always, 'asahi this, asahi that,' and it seems like that's all we talk about. he talks about his problems and i give him advice. and i know he's preoccupied with this, and deeply upset with his own problems, but it doesn't seem like it would be that hard for him to ask how i am every once in a while, you know?"

"yeah, i get that. maybe for him it doesn't seem like as big of an issue as it does to you. i mean, for him, he was with asahi for a while, so he's had his sexuality figured out, so maybe he doesn't think of it as _that_ big of a problem to figure out. but for you, since you've never gone through this questioning before, it's really stressful."

"i guess. although he did say that it was hard figuring it out for him, so i thought he might have sympathy for that, but... maybe he's forgotten all of that being swept up in this heartbreak business."

"yeah, that could be it. but seriously, you can talk to me any time, and i'll listen and try to give you some advice. although maybe not when i'm in class or you're in class."

"i- okay, we both know that both of us sleep through class."

"you're right, but you shouldn't sleep, you need to learn stuff. sleep at night."

"you need to learn stuff too! besides, i only sleep in like, one class because it's really boring, and that's right about an hour after lunch and i'm nice and full, and the sunlight coming through the window makes me warm and sleepy, and then droning monotone of the teacher's voice just puts me to sleep."

"eh, fair point. i'll try to stop sleeping in class if you will."

"fine, i'll try. by the way, thanks for this, you're really helping me out."

"aw, i'm glad that i could be helpful. i love you, don't forget it."

"yeah, love you too." i breathed deeply. "anyway, i think i'm gonna take a shower now, alright? goodnight."

"night, ryū, make sure to get a good sleep."

i smiled.

"yeah, i will. you too."

she agreed, then hung up, and i was left alone with my thoughts again.

i sighed, got up, and headed to the bathroom to shower.

///

i had just gotten off the video call with noya, and was feeling especially drained.

don't get me wrong, i love noya more than anything, but oh my god. i was already feeling tired and sad, and i was about ready to go to bed once i got out of the shower.

it was tough having to pretend that i wasn't hurting and confused in my brain, especially with some of the things he talked about, and how he just expected me to give him advice afterwards.

i mean, i was happy to help, but i just wish i could've talked to him about my problems. i knew he probably wasn't in the right head space for that now though.

to be honest, one of the main things that pissed me off was that he told asahi we kissed. i mean, i get that he was trying to be completely honest about _everything_ to work things out, but he could've at least asked me first, before just telling asahi.

i sighed and sat at my desk, opening the journal i had been keeping recently. it was nice talking to saeko, and i wish i could talk to noya, but it wasn't enough. i needed another place to get my feelings out, and this was it.

of course, i could just make a playlist of songs that represent what i'm feeling right now, and post them on my instagram story with vague captions, but... that would be way too much work.

honestly, not everything in my journal was words, sometimes i just scribbled all over the page if that was how i felt at that particular moment, and didn't feel like trying to find the words to describe the anguish.

i picked up a pencil, tapped it against the page a few times, then began to write.

_'hey, it's me again, confused as ever. also annoyed and kind of sad, but that seems to be normal these past few days. ever since noya brought up the idea that i like ennoshita, my thoughts and feelings have been especially tumultuous. he offered to talk about it and give me advice, but we've only really talked once, and it wasn't that much help honestly. saeko has actually been a help with all this, telling me that i don't have to be full-on bisexual to like ennoshita, and maybe i'm just heteroflexible. i'll have to think about it more, but that could be the case. i feel different thinking about ennoshita than any other guy- or girl for that matter. it feels different than when i liked kiyoko, but not necessarily in a bad way. i love spending time with him, and when i'm able to make him laugh, it seems to light up the whole room, and i can't help but laugh too. he has a nice face, but i'm not sure if i'm just thinking that objectively as a fact, like: "yes, his features are very symmetrical, and aesthetically pleasing" or if it's an attraction thing. anyway, my wrist is getting tired and my hand is starting to cramp, plus i'm super tired now anyway, so i'll write more on this later. goodnight for now.'_

i sighed and closed the journal. maybe i would talk to noya about this tomorrow if he was feeling any better.

for now, i got into bed, closed my eyes, and waited for sleep to take me.


	17. kind of another Filler, Sorry

**_.tanaka._ **

it was nearly lunchtime, and god, morning practice had been awful. i mean, not entirely, but when noya burst out with that, "whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of ryū," i almost lost it!

sitting in on that conversation was so awkward, oh my god, i kind of wanted to die.

then all of a sudden they decided to be on good terms? what's up with that? i decided to be friendly to asahi for now, because if that's what noya wanted-

"tanaka ryūnosuke!"

i jumped.

"it wasn't me!" i looked up, and saw noya standing there, rather than a teacher. "wait what?" was it lunch already? "how did you get here so quickly?!"

"i ran."

"okay, so what-"

"listen, bro, i'm having a tiny breakdown moment."

i sighed internally.

"oh boy. what's going on?"

"ugh, are the others here yet?" he asked, peering around.

every day for lunch, since we weren't all in the same class, we second years decided on whose classroom to meet in, and today everyone would be coming to my class. however, noya was the only who had shown up yet, since it was still so soon after the bell.

"nope, just you. you got here quick. you ran, remember?"

"right, yeah. so. the situation. it's asahi."

i groaned internally, getting more annoyed by the second. seriously?! i thought they were on 'good terms' again. i should've known that wouldn't last for long.

"again? i know you said not to mess up his face, but if i need to-"

"no, nothing like that, my brain is being stupid again."

yeah, mine too, but you don't see me complaining too much. well... not out loud anyway.

"how so?"

"this morning at practice... it was nice to talk to him normally again, but... it almost seemed too normal, ya know? like it's too soon for this, and we still need to work out more serious stuff, i don't know. and i still feel guilty for some of the stuff i said when we talked last night."

he avoided my gaze and shifted around in his chair as he said this. i knew he was seriously hurting here, so i pushed aside my annoyance to give some advice. and hey, maybe after i gave him advice, we could talk about my problem if the others hadn't shown up yet.

"i get where you're coming from, i mean all this is still really new and it probably feels like it's all happening way too fast. i think the best course of action is maybe try to avoid him for now if you feel uncomfortable, and talk to him seriously again later."

"how are you so good at this advice?"

i couldn't help but smile a bit at how earnest and sincere he was.

"not sure, i'm just sorta saying what seems logical."

"hey, by the way, earlier this morning, you mentioned your emotional turmoil. if you need to vent or want advice, go ahead, because i know i've been kind of dumping all my issues on you, but i haven't really been wondering how you've been doing with the ennoshita situation."

that surprised me a bit. he's finally owning up to his actions and offering to help me too!

"ah, right. that." i squirmed a little. "actually, don't feel too bad, because... um, you can't tell anyone, but i've been keeping a journal of sorts to vent my feelings? and saeko's actually been a help with this, surprisingly."

"really?"

"yeah."

"well, i'm glad you're able to write about your feelings and talk to your sister, but like i said, i'm still open if you wanna talk. i feel like i could offer a bit of a different point of view, since realizing you're bi as a girl might be a bit different than realizing it as a boy. there are sort of different societal stigmas around each one, you know?"

i had never thought about that before... but honestly, it doesn't take that long to get to my classroom from where the others are, so we probably wouldn't have enough time before they arrived.

"yeah, you're right... but i don't wanna talk too much about it now because i don't want anyone overhearing, and also the others are probably gonna get here soon, but if you're still feeling up to it later, maybe we could facetime?"

"yeah, that sounds good."

i nodded.

"thanks, man, you're the best."

"that's what i aim for. but, hey, thanks. you're the best too."

///

afternoon practice. noya conveniently walked away as soon as ennoshita came over and asked if i needed any help warming up.

i glared slightly at noya, who winked at me, and slithered over by the first years.

"sure, i could use some help," i agreed.

not much time had passed before noya had seemingly run back over to me.

"ryū, thank god you're here."

"where else would i have gone?" i asked incredulously.

he laughed slightly, and i smiled.

"that's not the point. ughhh, anyway, i don't know what to do about-"

i put my hand over his mouth.

"let me guess? asahi again?"

he nodded. i sighed and continued to stretch while i talked.

"listen- you just have to do what you did friday and monday. i know it's awkward and horrible, but toughen up, man! for real, for real, i _know_ you, and i _know_ you can deal with this. it's an hour and fifteen minute practice, you can deal with 75 minutes of this. not even 75 minutes anymore, since we've already been here for a while."

he pushed my hand off his face.

"yeah, you're right. oh man, when did you get so smart?"

"okay, first of all rude. second, since you kept getting caught up in drama and needing advice."

he titled his head and grinned widely.

"you right, you right. i guess it's my fault you finally have to use those two brain cells. might wanna dust em off before you strain yourself too much."

"hey! what's that supposed to mean?!"

"he kind of has a point though," ennoshita pointed out.

"not you too!"

he just grinned at me, causing my heart to do a bit of a BU-DUMP. i quickly averted my gaze and bit my lip.

"you know, i came here to have a good time, and honestly, i'm feeling so attacked right now," i firmly stated. "i'm gonna go hang out with someone actually nice, like..." my eyes darted around the gym. "yacchan. i'm going to hang out with yachi, see you losers later."

i stood up, stretching and popping my back in the process, and headed to where yachi and kiyoko were sitting.

"oh boy, what a nice day huh? weather's starting to warm up."

"what do you want, tanaka?" kiyoko asked.

"what?! am i not allowed to simply want to spend time with our wonderful managers?!"

"you usually have an ulterior motive," she pointed out.

"fair point, but actually this time i wanted to talk to yacchan about something."

"oh!" yachi exclaimed, seeming startled. "what is it?"

"how about we take a little walk?" i suggested.

"you better not try anything," kiyoko warned.

i held up my hands in defense.

"whoa, whoa, whoa. just what kind of person do you think i am? i am very kind and would never try anything like that, especially given the circumstances of this conversation."

"circumstances?"

"ahaha, you don't need to know about that right now, sorry. i'm not exactly sharing it with everyone at the moment."

yachi and kiyoko looked extremely confused, but yachi got up to walk with me to the opposite side of the gym, where everyone was far enough to be out of earshot.

"so what did you want to talk about, tanaka-senpai?"

a smile began to spread across my face, but i pushed it back. no! this is not the time to be amused over a stupid, little honorific!

"yacchan, i don't want to be rude and assume things, but... are you gay?"

she flinched slightly and blushed.

"i... yes?"

"okay, i need some advice."


	18. your Local lesbians  to the Rescue

_**.tanaka.** _

"okay, i need some advice."

her face became puzzled.

" _you_ want _my_ advice? what about?"

"well... it's a lot to explain, but basically i've been questioning my sexuality, so i figured it might help to talk to lgbt people, since they have experience with that type of stuff... i guess?" i shrugged a bit, a little unsure of myself and my choice of words, but yachi didn't seem bothered, and in fact smiled a bit.

"well, you came to the right person. for me, i figured it out around the second year of middle school... but it wasn't until late third year that i really accepted it. i didn't understand why i found girls so much more beautiful and attractive than boys. especially since i had never been told that being gay is okay, or even been exposed to any type of lgbt representation. i was confused and scared, but now that i'm in high school and have it all figured out, i'm really happy with myself, and it's not scary to have a crush on a girl anymore... well, besides in the normal scary way of having a crush."

"you're talking about kiyoko-san, right?"

she blushed intensely.

"yeah... guess it's that obvious, huh?"

i laughed a bit.

"maybe a little, but definitely not as much as me and noya. although for him, he's obviously kidding around, especially with the whole situation with him and asahi... and for me... well... i used to have a crush on her last year, but i'm over that now, and... i'm actually wondering about ennoshita." my voice grew quieter and quieter the more i spoke, trailing off in nervousness.

her eyes grew wide and sparkled.

"really?! ennoshita?!"

i blushed and scratched the back of my neck. "yeah... but i'm still really unsure. it was nishinoya that brought up the idea, and i've been thinking about it a lot, but..."

"well, how long have you been thinking about this?"

"um... like, four days?"

her eyes went wide again. "four days?! goodness, no wonder you haven't figured it out yet! i mean, yeah for some people it's easier and quicker to figure things out, and they just _know_ right from the beginning. but for a lot of us, it takes some time to figure it all out. it's a really insubstantial thing after all, i mean, it's all just about your feelings, and no one can really figure that out except you. and sometimes there's always that uncertainty, like, 'is this really how i feel, or am i tricking myself?' or something along those lines."

"yeah, you're right. i guess i knew that, but it's still-"

i heard daichi yelling from across the gym, so i turned around.

"tanaka, we're starting practice, get over here! we've already wasted too much time!"

i turned back to yacchan. "well, i guess that's it for now, but could we talk more later?

she smiled widely. "of course! i'm happy to help!"

i smiled as well and ruffled her hair. "thanks, yacchan, you've been a big help."

then i jogged back over to where the others were getting started.

///

an agonizing 45 minutes later, things were starting to wind down with about 15 minutes left. at this point, it was mostly just hinata asking for endless sets from kageyama, and him obliging, of course.

i saw asahi wandering over to talk to nishinoya, and rolled my eyes.

i snuck over to the main door where kiyoko and yachi stood.

"hey, y'all, i'm back."

"shouldn't you be practicing?" kiyoko asked.

i waved my hand in dismissal.

"eh, it's a tuesday afternoon and the season's over anyway, no biggie."

"okay, but why are you here? why not talk to nishinoya or the other second years?"

i glanced at yachi, then at noya and asahi, then back at kiyoko.

"well, i guess i'll tell you too. recently... well, yesterday i mentioned this 'emotional turmoil' i was dealing with? well, that's something i can't talk to the others about, at least not ennoshita... because it kind of involves me being confused if i like him or not..."

again, my voice trailed off, and i felt my face heat up, so i ducked my head slightly.

there was a prolonged silence, so i looked up to see kiyoko in shock- dropped jaw and all.

"are you serious?" she finally stuttered out.

"um... yes? and i would love to talk to noya about this, but he's a bit busy with asahi drama these days."

"yeah, i- uh... i can see that. is this what you were talking about with hitoka-chan earlier?"

"yes."

"why her though?"

i glanced at yachi, who was staring at her hands, which were clasped in front of her.

i didn't want to say anything in case she wasn't out to kiyoko yet, so what _should_ i say?

i opened my mouth to make up some excuse, but yachi interrupted me.

"well, he was asking me about it because i'm gay, so i have the experience of what it's like to question your sexuality."

none of us spoke for a moment, but i swear i could nearly hear yachi's heart beating out of her chest, her lowered face tinged with red.

"well, you could've talked to me about that as well," kiyoko finally said. "i'm a lesbian after all."

yachi's head shot up and she made a slight squeaking noise, but it was mostly covered up by my own noise of surprise.

"for real?"

she nodded, and i proceeded to say something i probably shouldn't have.

"i guess noya-san was right then..."

her gaze became stony.

"why was he talking about my sexuality?" she interrogated.

i put my hands up in defense.

"this was when the idea of me being... not straight was brought up, and i was feeling a little nervous, so he was talking about how everyone here is lgbt, and it was just a bit of speculation."

her gaze softened.

"oh. i guess that's alright then. so, ennoshita, huh? what happened to me?"

"ah, that. well, you're very beautiful and an amazing person, but i got over all that a while ago."

she shook her head.

"honestly, i'm a little hurt." she smiled. "but let's talk about your current concerns."

i nodded and joined them in sitting.

"well, it's not just that i'm confused about this whole sexuality thing, but... i'm kind of upset with noya."

"but you guys are best friends," yachi said.

"well, yeah... but like i said, he's preoccupied these days. it's mostly just him venting about his problems while i listen and give advice. and of course, i can't hold it against him- he didn't choose to be going through this after all- but... it still kind of hurts. and i'm annoyed too! i mean, he was the one that brought up this whole idea, and said that he'd be here for me to talk to, but ever since then he's only brought it up once!"

"that's not great... have you tried talking to him about that?"

"well, he brought it up at lunch, and said we might facetime about it later, but he and asahi are gonna have another 'talk' after practice, so who knows how that'll turn out."

"that's certainly a predicament then."

"yeah... i've been talking about it with my sister, since she's bi, but honestly, i'm still confused. i've been thinking over some of the stuff she mentioned though..."

"so are you thinking you're bi or gay, or something else entirely? what's the situation here?"

i dragged a hand down my face and sighed.

"that's the thing, i'm not entirely sure. i don't think i'm fully gay though. i wasn't sure if i was bisexual, but my sister brought up the idea of being heteroflexible, so that's what i'm wondering about now."

"so ennoshita would be your exception?" yachi asked.

i blushed.

"um... yes."

"that's so cute!"

by this point i could even feel my ears burning.

"i guess..."

"no guessing, this is a Fact."

"alright, i guess i can't argue with that logic."

she nodded.

"exactly. no offense, but you are definitely not the smartest person here at the moment, i don't think you're in a position to be arguing about logic."

kiyoko laughed and i did a double take.

"whoa! yacchan, i never knew you could be so mean!"

her eyes got wide and she frantically bowed.

"i'm so sorry! i meant that you know the least about being lgbt in this situation!"

i smiled.

"yeah, you're right. i wasn't mad, by the way, i already know i'm not classroom smart. i'm kind of just vibing, honestly."

"alright, i feel like we're getting off topic," kiyoko interjected.

i pointed at her.

"you right. anyway, i've presented my problems, now bestow your wisdom upon me."

"it doesn't exactly work like that. mind if we ask some questions?"

"go ahead."

"i'll go first, if you don't mind," yachi stated confidently.

"fine by me," kiyoko said.

"alright, tanaka-san. when you look at ennoshita, how do you feel?"

i looked over to where he was, and my heart did that annoying BU-BUMP again.

i felt my face and ears heat up.

"uh... confused."

"well... good start... do you find him attractive?"

"i mean, i can admit objectively that he is very handsome, but... i don't know if that means anything."

"could you picture yourself on a date with him, or engaging in otherwise romantic or sexual activities?"

"what?! i mean... i guess so? but i'm not sure if that's how i _actually_ feel, or if it's because the idea has been planted in my head that i might like him."

"this seems to be quite a predicament... how do your feelings for him- whether they be platonic or romantic- differ from your feelings for kiyoko- again, platonic or romantic."

i blushed. i mean, i know i'm over her and she's gay anyway, but it was still embarrassing to sincerely talk about in front of her.

"i mean... i guess it feels different? but talking to my sister, she said that it felt different for her being attracted to a girl vs a guy, so..."

yachi nodded sagely.

"again, a logical observation. think about your life ten years from now. would you still want him in your life as a major presence?"

"i mean, yeah. i don't wanna lose contact with anyone here."

she wagged her finger.

"ah-ah-ah, that's not what i said. just 'keeping in touch' with people from high school isn't the same as them being a permanent fixture in your life. i'm talking constant conversations- texting, phone calls, and real life- meeting up at least once a month, going to the same college, even living together!"

"oh... i mean... maybe?"

"how about you take time to sleep on those questions," kiyoko suggested. "it's gonna be difficult to have answers immediately."

"alright... and this might be a stupid question, but... are those online 'am i gay?' quizzes accurate?"

at the same time kiyoko said, "no," yachi said, "yes."

they looked at each other.

"maybe sometimes?" yachi suggested.

kiyoko smiled and turned back to me.

"well, obviously some online quiz isn't going to give you the exact answer, and you don't wanna base everything off those, but they can be a good start to narrowing things down a bit."

"huh. alright then, thanks, guys. this has actually been quite an enlightening conversation."

they both smiled- while kiyoko's was more soft and subdued, yachi was beaming as bright as the sun.

suddenly i became aware of someone approaching, so i twisted my gaze up and behind me to see ennoshita standing over my shoulder.

"practice is over," he said with a smile. "you wasted the last 15 minutes over here talking."

"wait, for real?" i searched for some nonexistent clock before continuing. "guess time flies when you're spilling that good tea."

his face twisted up in mock-disgust.

"you're straight, are you even allowed to say that?"

my stomach dropped, but he just laughed.

"anyway, let's help clean up."

i nodded, and he extended his hand to me. i took it, the touch lingering as i stood up, both of us holding on for a little longer than was probably necessary.

i glanced back at yachi and kiyoko, and yachi shot me a wink.

i responded with a mock-glare, before smiling and following ennoshita to the supply closet to grab a mop.


	19. i care about you more than you know

_[outright - wild party](https://youtu.be/pavdK8WIV-c) _

_"you tell me that you're lonely, you tell me something isn't working out right. i ask you to be honest, make a promise, tell me that we'll work this out right."_

_**.ennoshita.** _

daichi started to wrap up practice and called for people to start cleaning up, and as i moved to grab a mop, i noticed tanaka sitting and talking to kiyoko and yachi.

wait, wait, wait, back up a minute... tanaka and kiyoko... actually talking? usually she ignored him...

my chest felt all weird and twisty, but i realized that there couldn't be anything happening with yachi sitting right there too. besides, i was pretty sure kiyoko was definitely not interested in tanaka.

that's what i told myself anyway.

i plastered on my fake confident face like i wasn't terrified that my crush was getting a girlfriend.

as i came up behind him, he looked up and back at me. i smiled.

"practice is over. you wasted the last 15 minutes over here talking."

"wait, for real?" he looked around the gym wildly for a moment, then back at me. "guess time flies when you're spilling that good tea."

i cringed. god, it's so awful when the straights try to use gay slang.

"you're straight, are you even allowed you say that?"

he looked a little nervous, so i laughed to let him know it was just a joke, and he wasn't 'in trouble' or anything.

"anyway, let's go now."

he nodded, and i reached my hand out to him to help him up. he took it, his face coming very close to mine for a moment as the momentum propelled him forward. and it might've been my imagination, but he seemed almost... reluctant to let go of my hand?

i tried to clear these thoughts from my head. it was obviously just in my imagination, there was no way he could like me back.

i mean, obviously i'm a catch and anyone would be lucky to have me, but only if they happen to like guys. and tanaka, very decidedly, does Not Like Guys.

we headed to the supply closet together and began mopping the floor.

///

some time later, i was helping narita take down a net, and tanaka was passing near the third years, who were just standing around and chatting rather than helping clean.

suddenly, he yelled out, "I SAW YOU HANGING OUT WITH KAITLYN THE OTHER DAY!"

i groaned internally, knowing what was about to happen, but smiled in spite of myself.

"R- REBECCA, IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!" noya yelled from the opposite side of the gym.

"I WON'T HESITATE, BITCH!"

he held up his hands, pretending to shoot noya, who promptly fell to the floor at the feet of a giggling hinata and yamaguchi.

i looked back at tanaka and the third years, and asahi looked incredibly nervous and confused.

i shook my head, and finished rolling up the net, taking it back to the supply closet.

///

as i was heading out, i noticed tanaka lingering in the club room, even though almost everyone else had left.

"you alright?" i asked.

he looked up.

"i... maybe? noya and asahi are Talking again, and he told me not to wait up, but i'm still worried about him. i know there's nothing i can do, but i still find it hard to leave..."

"here, walk with me, and we'll talk. the distraction will make it easier."

his gaze softened as he stood and walked toward me.

"thanks, ennoshita, i appreciate it."

"ugh, so formal, we've known each other for long enough, i think you can call me chikara."

"fine, if you call me ryū."

"deal."

"neat, let's get out of here then... chikara."

i smirked.

"alright, ryū, let's go."

we walked out into the fresh, cold, night air and as we walked, i noticed ryū fidgeting with his hands a bit.

"hey."

he looked at me.

"noya is gonna be fine, you know him, he's strong. he'll get through this."

he nodded.

"yeah..."

i frowned.

"there's something else on your mind, isn't there?"

he stopped fidgeting for a second before resuming.

"actually, yeah. i'm worried about noya and everything, but i'm also kind of annoyed at him."

"so you might say you're an-noya-ed at him?"

he stared at me.

"bro."

"okay, sorry, that was bad. why are you annoyed at him?"

he sighed, and turned back to look at the path in front of us again.

"well, a couple days ago, he brought up something that's really been bothering me, and i can't stop thinking about it... and he said if it was an issue, we could talk about it, but- well, this sounds selfish. whatever, i'll say it anyway. he's been spending so much time stressing about asahi that he hasn't brought it up again, and i've been stressed about this, but of course i'm the one he comes to when he's upset and needs advice. and obviously i'm happy to listen and help him, but i just wish he would do the same for me, you know?! i just feel kind of alone in this thing..."

i hummed in sympathy.

"yeah, i get that. maybe you should tell him that it's been bothering you?"

"yeah, i said something along those lines at lunch before the rest of you guys showed up."

i nodded, wondering what this big issue could be to upset him to this extent.

"good for you, then. by the way... i don't mean to pry, but what is it that he brought up that's bothering you so much?"

he flinched slightly, and sighed heavily.

"ah, right, sorry. it's kind of a big secret? like... i've barely told _anyone_ , so... it's not that i don't trust you! i just need time to work things out before i go around telling _everyone_ , you know?"

my heart leaped in my chest at his words, but i quickly quelled it. stupid brain getting my hopes up- it's not like he's gonna say he's _gay_ or anything. oh, why did i have to fall for a straight boy?

"that's understandable. some things are easier to figure out when you don't tell a lot of people. i personally find that sometimes it's best to do that because what if you tell someone one thing, then figure out it's actually another thing, and you have to go back and amend your mistake? that's always embarrassing."

he stiffened slightly.

"yeah... it is."

we walked for a couple minutes in silence, as the conversation died off and neither of us had anything new to say.

"well... this is me," i said once we reached an intersection that led to my street.

he nodded.

"goodnight, chikara."

"goodnight, ryūnosuke."

i savored how the name felt as i said it, and the amazing look on his face when i said it, before turning to walk away into the setting sun.

_**a/n: here's a tiny bit of tanaka pov at the end,,, as a treat 🥺💕** _

_**.tanaka.** _

god, this silence was awful. it was deafening and beyond awkward. i shouldn't have said anything in the first place. what if he figured out what was bothering me?

what if he never wanted to talk to me again? well, that's a little extreme, he's too nice for that, but...

"well... this is me."

i abruptly stopped and looked at him, a bit disoriented after having my train of thought interrupted, before i realized this is where we went our separate ways.

i nodded.

"goodnight, chikara."

"goodnight, ryūnosuke."

my eyes widened a bit and a blush began forming on my face as he waved at me. hardly anyone called me by my entire first name, unless i was in trouble.

but this time... the way he said it... i didn't mind so much.

i watched as he turned and walked away, seeming almost like some fantasy character walking away into the sunset.

i sighed happily, and my chest felt all fuzzy.

oh, shit, could this mean...?

no.

well...

i suppose it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if...

i started to run home, needing more time to think. always needing more time.


	20. the second Talk

_**.azumane.** _

after talking to suga and daichi, i realized that the gym was already all cleaned up by everyone else, and we had sort of wasted time just standing around. oops.

when we got back to the club room, i changed as slowly as possible, trying to delay the inevitable.

when suga and daichi were leaving, suga tapped my shoulder.

"don't forget, we'll be waiting around the corner with those nerf guns."

i groaned.

"yeah, i know."

"just making sure you remembered. good luck out there, by the way."

i smiled a little bit.

"thanks."

then, they walked away and the door closed behind them.

i finished getting dressed and putting on my coat, and realized i couldn't put this off anymore. i had to leave at some point, after all.

i slowly picked up my bag, and walked to the door at a snail's pace.

as soon as the door was shut behind me, i heard, "asahi."

i nearly jumped out of my skin, and i might've shrieked a little bit.

i turned to see that it was just noya.

i sighed, placing a hand on my chest to try to calm down my wildly beating heart.

"oh, it's you."

"well jeez, don't sound so happy to see me." he rolled his eyes.

"ah, sorry. i was just caught off guard. it's lovely to see you, as always."

he looked a little skeptical.

"well... alright then. let's go, same place as last time."

"alright..."

i followed him downstairs and around the side of the building to the bench we sat on last night the first time we Talked.

"so... what did you want to say?" i asked hesitantly once we were both seated.

"first of all, i wanted to apologize for some of the things i said last night... saying you were cruel and a coward... i was just angry and i wished i could take it back right after i said it..."

"i understand, and i forgive you. i know everyone says things they don't mean when they're angry."

"thanks... i've just been feeling guilty about that..."

"well, it's alright. i forgive you."

"thank you. and my next point... i feel like... everything is going too fast here. i don't know. it's like, we just had this whole serious conversation last night, and then this morning everything is normal like nothing ever happened? and i know we wanna get things back to normal, but it kind of feels weird happening so soon."

"i get that. so.... do you just wanna... i mean, what do you want to do about that?"

"maybe like... slowly work up to that point? start slow and eventually we'll get back to the place we used to be."

"alright. is that... is that all you wanted to say?"

"no, i... i feel like you're still not telling me something about why we broke up."

"oh... well, actually..."

i hesitated, feeling a restless stirring in my chest. should i just blurt it out and get it over with? or should i give myself time to prepare the perfect way to say it?

suddenly, i heard a KU-THUNK, and felt a pain in my neck.

"ow!" i exclaimed, slapping my hand to where i felt the pain.

i looked on the ground and saw an orange and blue nerf dart, which i leaned down to pick up.

noya looked very confused, and glanced around the courtyard.

"what was that?"

i quickly tucked it into my coat's inner pocket.

"oh, probably nothing. i, uh... there is actually something else i need to tell you."

he turned back towards me, and it felt like his eyes would burn a hole right through me. i also could've sworn i heard the faint sound of a nerf gun reloading.

"what do you need to say?" he asked expectantly.

"well... um... the thing is... it's something that originally came up a while ago, and i-" i cleared my throat. "i've been meaning to tell you, but i... i just didn't know how, and-"

"did you cheat on me or something?" he demanded, cutting me off.

my breath caught in my throat, my eyes widening. i was surprised at how genuinely hurt he looked.

"what?! no! of course not, what would make you think that?!"

"well, i was talking to- actually, i should probably let you know now that anything we say here is not private because i'm telling everything that happens after this to tanaka. so anyway, i was doing that after last night, and he brought the idea up. he actually suggested that you had a side chick, and i was like, 'bruh. look who you're talking too,' and he was like, 'oh, right. but yeah, anyway-' and i brushed it off at first, but then i was like, what if you were cheating on me with someone else and then broke up with me because you felt guilty even if you still did love me? at least, that's the only logical explanation i've been able to come up with so far."

with each word he said, it seemed to become harder and harder to breathe, but i couldn't have an anxiety attack. not here. not now.

i closed my eyes, and did my breathing exercises- breathe in for four, hold it for seven, and out for eight.

i did this a couple times, then opened my eyes to see nishinoya looking at me with concern.

"are you alright?" he asked.

i brushed my hand down my face quickly before resting it back on my lap.

"i'm fine. besides, you shouldn't have to ask me that now. and... i promise you i didn't cheat on you, i never would. first of all, that sounds way too scary, second of all, i'm way too in love with you for that. plus, i don't even think i could get anyone else to... be with... even if i would have considered... that. which i never did."

"eh, i believe you. but there you go again! saying you still love me while simultaneously putting yourself down! what's up with that, man?!"

i flinched slightly, resting my hand behind my neck, wrapping a loose tendril of hair around my finger.

"ah, sorry about that. i'm just trying to tell the truth."

"ugh, okay, so you admit there's something you're not telling me, but you didn't cheat on me, and you still love me? then what is it? why did you do it?"

"well i..." i took a deep breath. "i decided to..."

at my hesitation, noya gestured with his hands slightly, encouraging to continue.

"i... don't know how to say this... i just keep imagining what your face will look like when i say it, and it gets harder to say..."

"well now i really wanna know what it could be. just what did you do that could be so horrible?"

"no, it wasn't- i mean, i don't think it was horrible. i just... it's gonna be new and weird, and-"

"did you wax your chest?!"

"what?! no!"

he looked slightly disappointed.

"aw, man..."

"wha- do you _want_ me to?!"

he laughed.

"nah, i'm kidding, i'm kidding. i like your hairy chest just the way it is."

i blushed, remembering daichi and suga hiding out somewhere nearby listening to all this.

"uh... thanks? i guess?"

"yeah, now seriously what is it? if you're gonna say you're trans or something, that doesn't bother me either. i swing both ways, baby, and i honestly don't care how you choose to identify."

i shook my head.

"it's not that either... i just... can i tell you Next Wednesday?"

"why Next Wednesday?"

"well... i feel like if i have a set date, it's easier to make sure i actually say it, and i have time to like... practice saying it, and that way i can hold myself accountable, i guess. like, i _have_ to say it by this certain time. if that makes sense."

"yeah, i guess... but why not just blurt it out now? pull a fast one on yourself, that way, boom! it's out and you don't have to stress over it for a week."

"i mean... i? maybe...?"

i tried to imagine just blurting it out now, but my breath started to come in short bursts again, so i stopped thinking about that and focused on my breathing again.

"ah, sorry, i didn't mean to make you feel bad. you don't have to say it now, i guess. it's alright if you wait til next wednesday."

"are you sure?"

he smiled.

"yeah, it's fine. i don't mind waiting for you."

my heart squeezed unexpectedly at his words.

"oh. i... thanks," i whispered.

"it's okay. i mean, what's one week, right? besides, we'll still have plenty of time to spend together next year."

i felt a stab of guilt course through me.

"uh, yeah, for sure," i stammered.

"anyway, i've been talking a lot, but did you wanna say anything while we're here or ask me some questions?"

i quickly wracked my brain.

"nothing comes to mind."

he leapt up, so i stood as well.

"that was a good talk, i'm glad we did this."

"yeah, me too."

i smiled. and hesitantly opened my arms for a hug, which caused an uncomfortable expression to cross noya's face.

"ah... not yet, sorry. how about this for now?"

he held up his hand for a high-five.

"that would be perfect," i agreed, and high-fived him.

he smiled widely.

"okay, bye. see ya tomorrow!"

"see you," i called out feebly as i watched him skip away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i got a little carried away so there's actually about 14 filler chapters before Next Wednesday, lmao sorry bout that ✌️


	21. to be So Lonely

_[to be so lonely - harry styles](https://youtu.be/6PPK-6FeJ9A) _

_"don't call me baby again, you got your reasons. i know that you're tryna be friends, i know you mean it. but don't call me baby again. it's hard for me to go home, to be so lonely."_

**_.nishinoya._ **

i flopped onto my bed after getting home and immediately pulled out my phone.

on the walk home, i had sort of been thinking over the Talk. it was definitely more lighthearted than the one last night, but... it was draining in a way.

and when asahi went to hug me... i felt a little bit like crying. it was so _painfully_ familiar, and i wanted to hug him so badly, but again, it was just too soon.

now i just had a weird, empty, lonely feeling.

i sent a quick text to ryū: _'can u call?'_ and waited.

_'sure thing,'_ he replied a minute later.

i pressed the video chat button, and waited for several seconds until the call connected.

"okay, i just got back home, and it seemed normal enough while i was there, but looking back on it, it was actually pretty weird."

he hesitated for a second before replying.

"weird in what way? you guys didn't have sex or anything did you?"

"ew, no, get your mind out of the gutter. we didn't even- never mind, that's not important right now. so first of all- well not first chronologically, but the weirdest thing by far- asahi got shot in the neck with a nerf dart?"

"wait, what?"

"yeah, i know right? it was so weird. anyway, lemme start from the beginning real quick."

"that's the logical way to tell it," he agreed.

"okay, so i was waiting outside the changing room, and i guess i startled him when he left cuz he practically screamed and jumped a foot in the air, it was funny. then he was like 'oh, it's you,' and i went, 'well dang, don't sound so happy to see me,' and he was all, 'oops, sorry, you startled me.' i was like, 'wow, i never would've guessed, anyway, let's sit down, same place as last time.' so we went to that little bench near the bike rack by the side of the gym and sat there again. once we got there, he said, 'so what did you wanna talk about?' and i apologized for calling him cruel and a coward, and he said it was okay, so i was like, 'neat, moving on to my next point.' i talked about how weird it felt that things were normal so soon again, and he said he understood that and asked how we wanted to move forward on that, and i was like, 'how about taking things slow, and building our relationship back up a little bit at a time,' and he was like, 'sounds good to me,' then asked if there was anything else i wanted to talk about."

i took a huge gasp of air that ended in a coughing fit.

"whoa, careful, bro, don't die," ryū said, looking concerned.

i laughed a bit, still coughing slightly.

"i'll try not to."

"you'd better not."

"alright, so then i said i felt like he still wasn't telling me why he broke up with me, and THAT'S when he got shot by the nerf dart. i was confused but he was like, 'it's probably nothing,' which meant that obviously he knew what was going on there. but yeah, he admitted there was something else, so i was like, 'well, what is it?' and he was sort of hesitating, maybe trying to dodge the question again, or just figure out the right way to say it. so then i was like, 'did you cheat on me?' cuz the last time we called, you suggested him having a side chick, and obviously he's gay so that's out of the question, but the thought still kind of stuck in my mind. he got a little anxious, but then he said he didn't, and i was like, 'okay, then why? you still love me, you didn't cheat on me, why did you break up with me?'"

i took another breath, and ryū took the opportunity to speak again.

"sorry for planting that seed of doubt in your head, that was sort of just a joking suggestion."

"eh, it's fine. i was pretty sure he wouldn't cheat anyway, but i just needed to make completely sure."

he nodded.

"makes sense. now, feel free to continue."

"alright. so he was slowly getting there like, 'well i... the thing is...' and i was sort of trying to coax it out of him but he was like, 'this is harder to say than i thought it would be. i keep imagining how your face will look when i say it...' and i was like, 'damn, bro, what could be that awful?' and he said it wasn't awful, just shocking, and i asked if he waxed his chest, and he said no, so then i asked if he was trans, and reminded him that i was bi and didn't care either way, but he said no again. so then finally he was just like, 'can i tell you Next Wednesday?' and i was like, 'why?' and he said something about needing time to prepare how to best say it. and i wondered why he couldn't just blurt it out and get it over with, but he said this way would be better for him, so i was like, 'that's fine, i don't mind waiting.' then he thanked me, and i was like, 'don't worry about it. but hey, i'm glad we had this talk.' and he was like, 'me too,' and went to hug me, but that freaked me out a little bit, so i just high-fived him, and we went our separate ways."

"whoa... that's a lot. so i-"

"hang on, i have some bonus commentary including my thoughts and feelings on all that went down, then you can share your input on the situation."

it might've been my imagination, but he looked slightly... annoyed?

nah, couldn't have been, i must've been seeing things.

"alright."

i nodded.

"so honestly, this talk felt a lot more relaxed than the Talk we had last night, and it was nice but... i'm sort of feeling that weird, rushed-ness again. and when he went to hug me... hoo, boy, that unearthed some Feelings that i would've preferred to keep down for now, it reminded me so much of how things used to be and how much i miss him. and the fact that he wanted to specifically wait until Next Wednesday to tell me whatever it is... i mean, i know i said i was fine with waiting, but now i'm kind of super curious, but i have to wait a whole eight days before i know what the reason is. i guess it's not that long in the long run, but right now, it feels like forever, you know? and i think that's pretty much it, actually, we didn't talk as much tonight as last night. i guess there just wasn't as much to Talk about."

"uh... right. so i can sort of get where you're coming from with the hug thing feeling weird. you should establish some clear boundaries with him, i think. let him know what's okay right now, and what's not to avoid any awkward situations. and as for the waiting thing... i can't help much there. you're one of the most impatient people i know, but maybe just try to keep yourself distracted as much as possible until then."

"that's a great suggestion! you just keep getting smarter and smarter, don't you?"

"i guess? but anyway, we were going to talk about-"

"so you said i should distract myself... maybe i should do homework for once! i mean i am still feeling a bit high energy, so maybe i should use that and transfer it to my brain and get things done. you're the best! okay, bye!"

i went to click the button to hang up, but he stopped me.

"wait a minute!" he yelled, and- yep, he definitely looked annoyed.

oh shit, what did i do this time?

"...what?" i asked hesitantly.

"are you serious?! you don't even remember?!"

he looked beyond pissed at this point.

"...remember what?"

"god, i can't believe you! the thing with my... the ennoshita thing!"

"oh. that."

"yeah! _'that'_! do you know how much it's been stressing me out these past four days?! i've been confused and scared and upset... and angry! angry at you!"

"...may i ask why?"

i tried to be careful with everything i said- i rarely saw him this anrgy, especially at me, so i was a little scared.

" _'may i ask why?'_ " he mimicked in a mocking tone. "what the fuck, dude?! i wouldn't have this problem if it weren't for you bringing it up! and you _said_ you'd be there if i wanted to talk about it! even offered to talk this afternoon! but you forgot, and before that, you couldn't even be bothered apparently! you were so busy caught up with asahi, and venting to _me_ , and asking for _my_ advice... don't you think _i_ wanted to talk about my problems too?!but no! obviously _my_ feelings aren't as important as _yours_!"

"ryū, i'm sorry, we can talk now if you want-"

"save it! i'm too mad at you right now! just go do your homework or whatever, god knows your grade needs the help."

"wait! you can't-"

but he had already hung up.

it took a second or two, but soon the reality of the situation started to sink in.

i started hyperventilating, my fingers shaking as i scrolled through my contacts to call someone i knew could always help.

it took a few tries before i managed to actually press the right button, but i got there eventually.

after that, it rang for so long, i was afraid he wouldn't answer... but then the facetime connected.

"suga? i need your help."


	22. suga shoots asahi in the neck and is only A Little Bit Sorry

_**.sugawara.** _

daichi and i had hidden ourselves right around the corner of the gym with our nerf guns to make sure that asahi would say all that he needed to.

"i feel like we shouldn't be listening in on this," daichi whispered.

i shifted around a bit.

"yeah, it's a little weird, but he did specifically tell us to hold him accountable. plus, if last night was any indicator, he would've ended up telling us about it anyway."

daichi tilted his head.

"i guess you're right."

he kissed my forehead and i smiled softly.

"yeah, when am i not?"

"pfft, ok, now we need to be quiet so we can hear what's going on."

i nodded and turned my focus back to asahi and nishinoya.

///

"no, i... i feel like you're still not telling me something about why we broke up," i heard noya admit.

"oh... well, actually..."

i held my breath. here it comes.

...any second now.

...come on, asahi, you can do it.

almost there...

just say it.

but asahi didn't say anything, he just looked extremely indecisive (more than usual).

i rolled my eyes, and in the blink of an eye, loaded a dart, took aim, and fired.

yes! i hit my mark- right on his neck.

"ow!" he cried out.

i giggled quietly to myself, and started loading another dart, just in case.

then i felt daichi's hand on my arm.

"whoa whoa whoa, was that necessary?"

"he was hesitating," i pointed out.

"it's asahi, he always hesitates."

i considered this for a moment.

"fair point, but i just wanna make sure he's able to tell noya what's going on. and if i have to, i will shoot him again."

daichi rolled his eyes.

"alright, but i'm keeping a closer eye on you. you can't just go around shooting him every time he pauses."

"ugh, why not?"

"like i said, he always hesitates. what if he was mentally preparing himself to say it, then you shot him and broke the moment and he wasn't able to say it?

"hmm... well, i guess you're right."

he raised his finger, bopped me on the nose, and in a teasing voice, said, "yeah, when am i not?"

i rolled my eyes, but there was a smile on my face.

"yeah, yeah, now hush so we can hear them."

he nodded, and we fell silent again.

///

this time, for sure, asahi _had_ to tell him. maybe he was saying it in a roundabout way, but he would get there eventually.

besides, daichi was still not allowing me to shoot him again.

"no, it wasn't- i mean, i don't think it was horrible. i just... it's gonna be new and weird, and-"

"did you wax your chest?!"

dang it, noya, interrupting him. it's kind of funny that that's the first place his mind went, though.

"what?! no!"

noya looked slightly disappointed.

"aw, man..."

"wha- do you _want_ me to?!"

he laughed.

"nah, i'm kidding, i'm kidding. i like your hairy chest just the way it is."

daichi snorted, and i had to clap my hand over to mouth to prevent myself from bursting into laughter.

my entire body was shaking and my ribs hurt, and i could see daichi was also struggling to hold back laughter.

i shook my head, took a deep breath, and wiped my eyes, which had started to water slightly. then i focused back in on the conversation they were having.

///

they concluded their talk rather quickly. i was frustrated when asahi promised to tell noya Next Wednesday, but as long as he actually _did_ tell him Next Wednesday, there's not much i could do about it.

also, i felt bad for asahi when noya turned down his hug, and sucked the air through my teeth in sympathy.

in fact, this whole situation kind of- scratch that- _really_ sucked.

i couldn't imagine going through the same thing with daichi.

once noya had left and asahi called out his last goodbye, daichi and i emerged from our hiding spots and walked over to him.

"are you alright?" i asked.

"you shot me in the neck!" he exclaimed.

i rubbed the back of my neck and smiled sheepishly.

"sorry. it didn't seem like you were gonna talk."

"if it's any consolation, i tried to stop him," daichi added.

"well, thanks. but i guess i kind of ended up chickening out again anyway, huh?"

"well... you made a start," i offered.

"yeah," daichi encouraged. "like you said, now you have a set date that you _have_ to say something, which will hopefully make it easier. and remember, we're still here to make sure you say it."

"thanks, guys. it's getting kind of late though, we should head home and just facetime when we get there to talk about it."

"alright," daichi agreed.

"sounds like a plan," i said.

then, we each headed our own separate ways once we got far enough, and as soon as we got home, i entered a video chat with the other two.

"alright, so first of all, that one seemed way more laid back then the other one sounded. how do you feel about it, asahi?" i asked immediately.

"well, my neck feels kind of sore..."

"i already said sorry, didn't i?!"

he laughed heartily and i pouted, a slight blush rising to my cheeks.

"yeah, i know, i'm teasing. i guess i feel okay? better than last night, anyway."

"that's good," daichi said, and i nodded.

"so y'all were there tonight, but now it's time for the emotional unload, so prepare yourselves."

daichi and i fake-groaned in an over-exasperated way before cracking up with laughter.

asahi squinted.

"do you hate me talking about feelings that much?"

"sorry, go ahead," i prompted after catching my breath.

"okay, so it started _fantastically_ , and i may or may not have been very startled that noya was outside the door."

"oh yeah, maybe we should've warned you."

"but it would look weird if we left the changing room then went right back in and then our again," i argued.

"eh, you make a good point. now keep talking, asahi."

"okay, so then..."

///

"so then he asked if i was trans, which was confusing? i mean, i know i have long hair, and maybe he was grasping at straws, but-"

all of a sudden, my attention was pulled by a notification in the corner of my screen. i frowned.

"hang on, asahi, i... i'm getting a call from nishinoya."

daichi looked a bit confused and asahi seemed concerned.

"that's weird... i wonder why he isn't calling tanaka instead... maybe you should take it, it could be serious."

"are you sure?"

"yeah, it's fine. i'll just pester daichi."

"alright, sorry. goodnight for now, guys."

they wished me a goodnight, and i accepted the new call from nishinoya.


	23. it's possible to be the Mom Friend and Chaotic at the Same Time

_**.sugawara.** _

"suga? i need your help."

i frowned at his appearance- breath coming in short bursts, face all red, and looking like he was about to cry at any moment.

"what's the matter, noya?" i asked immediately.

he shook his head.

"god, i fucked up... i fucked up!"

"okay, hold on a minute. please explain what's happening or i can't help you."

he dragged a hand down his face.

"everything is messed up with asahi, and now with tanaka too!"

"wait, i thought- actually, never mind. how are things messed up with tanaka?"

"ugh, i don't wanna share of his personal business, but basically i brought something up to him about four days ago, and i promised i'd talk to him about it, but i completely forgot and he's been super stressed and having to deal with it kind of alone, and i didn't even remember! i've just been dumping all my problems on him and asking for his advice and giving none in return!" he groaned. "i'm such a shitty friend."

"now, now, something like this could happen to any of us. human memory is fallible, especially when you have something so big going on."

"i know, but i was venting to him _again_ and i was about to hang up to do homework of all things! and i completely forgot that earlier today, i had _promised_ him we'd talk about it, but no! apparently homework was more important! then he yelled at me about how awful he's been feeling and how terrible of a friend i am, and god, maybe he's right. this feels awful, i don't think we've ever really fought before. not seriously."

"well, that's certainly not good... i don't know how much help i can be without really knowing what's going on, but if he's really mad at you, i'd say it's probably best to just wait it out for now, then sometime tomorrow or even two days from now, once you've both calmed down a bit, you can try talking to him about it. first of all, apologize for forgetting. then, if you feel like it wouldn't set him off again, remind him that you have been going through a stressful time, although that still doesn't excuse your actions. i'm sorry, but the harsh truth is that you weren't there for your friend when he needed you. he has a very good reason to be upset, but now the only thing to do is apologize and try to help him in whatever way you can, even if it is a bit late."

"what if he won't accept my advice now? if he thinks it's too late... what if he never wants to talk to me again?!"

the tears started to spill over.

"now, calm do-"

"suga! i don't think i could survive if he never talked to me again! i would be so miserable, he's my best friend, and i don't know how i survived until high school without him!"

"nishinoya," i said firmly. "take deep breaths now."

he nodded shakily, and obeyed my request.

"c- can you please count for me? it's hard to control it otherwise... and it's hard to focus on the counting myself right now..."

"of course i can," i said gently. "how would you like me to count?"

"um, four regular counts, seven fast ones, then eight regular ones."

"okay, i think i get that. one, two, three..."

///

a short time and some counting later, nishinoya was beginning to calm down.

"feeling a little better?" i asked hesitantly after a minute.

he nodded.

"yeah. you have a soothing voice, suga."

i blushed and laughed a little.

"thank you?"

"yes, it's very nice to listen to, and helped me calm down, i think. it's like, i was so focused on listening to your voice that i forgot to think about all the bad stuff that's making me sad."

"well, i'm glad i could help. just don't go thinking about the bad stuff now."

"okay, but now that we're talking about it, it's making me more likely to think about it. could you stay on for a bit and we can just talk about anything?"

"what do you want to talk about?"

"just... anything. i don't really care. as long as it's not about anything sad."

"alright... so during your talk with asahi earlier, did something weird happen? like, maybe he seemed to be in pain... especially in the neck region?"

"...yes? how did you know...?"

i grinned.

"that's because i shot him with a nerf dart."

he gasped, and laughed a little.

"what?! i never would've imagined that! why would you do that though?!"

"i was holding him accountable."

"...holding him accountable?"

"he asked me and daichi to make sure that he told you the real reason behind... well, a certain sad thing, and it seemed like he was about to back out, so i shot him to remind him that there's no need to be scared."

"well... that's actually kind of nice? if you think about it?"

"yeah! and also, we- me and daichi- were both listening in on that whole conversation. sorry, but it was kind of necessary for... well, you know. holding him accountable."

"eh, fair enough. wait, but does that mean you heard-?"

i smirked.

"so you like his hairy chest do you?"

he blushed intensely and hid his face.

"ahh, that's embarrassing! if i'd have known you guys were listening in i wouldn't have said anything!"

i laughed.

"it's okay, we all have our preferences."

"what's yours, suga?"

this time, i blushed.

"well, you don't need to know that. you're just a tiny, baby child, and i can't expose you to such things while you're still so innocent."

"but i just-!"

"ah-ah-ah," i scolded. "if you happen to learn it somehow through some covert measures, then by all means, feel free to do with that information what you will, but i'm sorry to say that i will never willingly give it up to you."

"god damnit."

i shrugged.

"sorry, bud. not all of us just go around talking about that in public with people around."

"listen, i didn't know you guys were there! that's not exactly fair, now is it?"

"all's fair in love and war."

"ughh, you're so annoying, i hate you."

i gasped and clutched my hand to my chest.

"you've hurt me, noya! i thought we were friends... but i guess i'm just a worthless, annoying eavesdropper to you."

he smiled and rolled his eyes.

"i'm so done, oh my god."

"there you go again! not only taking the lord's name in vain-" i did the sign of the cross on myself. "-but admitting that you're done with me." i wiped an invisible tear.

"ugh, you know why i meant. i forgot how chaotic you can be."

i laughed.

"yeah, just because i'm a third year and more often the mom friend doesn't mean i can't have some fun every now and then."

he pointed a finger gun at me and puckered his lips in a kissy face.👉😗👉

"you right."

i nodded.

"if you still wanna talk, i have plenty more stories. we can talk about something fun, or boring, or maybe even a mix."

"hmm... how about one that's a mix."

"alright, so one day i was just sitting in class..."


	24. a cliché Park Scene

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter picks up about halfway through 'to be So Lonely'

_**.tanaka.** _

i had just listened to noya relate everything that had happened in his Talk with asahi, and i was a bit surprised at how casual it was, given how badly everything had gone last time.

although now that he had had his time to talk, i figured it was my turn.

"whoa... that's a lot. so i-"

alas, i was gravely mistaken.

"hang on, i have some bonus commentary including my thoughts and feelings on all that went down, then you can share your input on the situation."

i pinched my mouth and resisted the urge to roll my eyes, but i only succeeded about halfway.

"alright."

he nodded and begun relating his 'bonus commentary' on the situation.

i wanted to tune it out, but i knew he would want advice afterwards- as always- so i made sure to listen carefully and gave him the advice he desired afterwards.

"that's a great suggestion! you just keep getting smarter and smarter, don't you?"

"i guess? but anyway, we were going to talk about-"

"so you said i should distract myself... maybe i should do homework for once! i mean i am still feeling a bit high energy, so maybe i should use that and transfer it to my brain and get things done. you're the best! okay, bye!"

what the fuck? what The Actual fuck?! had he forgotten his promise from this afternoon?!

"wait a minute!" i yelled, not bothering to hide my annoyance.

"...what?"

"are you serious?! you don't even remember?!"

he looked a little nervous at this point, but i didn't have it in me to feel bad.

"...remember what?"

"god, i can't believe you! the thing with my... the ennoshita thing!"

"oh. that."

"yeah! _'that'_! do you know how much it's been stressing me out these past four days?! i've been confused and scared and upset... and angry! angry at you!"

"...may i ask why?"

god, the way he was speaking right now really pissed me off.

" _'may i ask why?'_ " i mocked. "what the fuck, dude?! i wouldn't have this problem if it weren't for you bringing it up! and you _said_ you'd be there if i wanted to talk about it! even offered to talk this afternoon! but you forgot, and before that, you couldn't even be bothered apparently! you were so busy caught up with asahi, and venting to _me_ , and asking for _my_ advice... don't you think _i_ wanted to talk about my problems too?!but no! obviously _my_ feelings aren't as important as _yours_!"

"ryū, i'm sorry, we can talk now if you want-"

"save it! i'm too mad at you right now! just go do your homework or whatever, god knows your grade needs the help."

"wait! you can't-"

i didn't care what he had to say. i hung up.

i threw my phone over onto my bed and angrily paced around my room. i felt like steam was coming out of my ears, that's how angry i was. i didn't want this to happen, but... it was too late.

i punched the air and dug my fingers into my scalp. i wanted to scream, but my parents were home. so instead i threw myself onto my bed and screamed into my pillow to muffle the noise.

i felt tears pricking my eyes, and angrily swiped them away.

i grabbed my phone, put on my jacket, and headed downstairs, trying to avoid my parents.

as i slipped on my shoes, i schooled my tone so i didn't sound as angry as i was, and called out, "i'm going for a run! i'll be back soon!"

"alright, be safe, and don't be late for dinner!"

with that, i headed out the door, and did just what i said i'd do- i ran.

i was running nowhere in particular- just around. eventually i ended up at the park.

surprise surprise, on a chilly march evening, there wasn't anyone else there. not that i could see anyway.

i had cooled down a bit on my run, but i was still angry. i had to stop myself from punching a tree because i knew i would regret that as soon as i did it, and i'd end up feeling worse.

i grabbed my phone, and typed in the password, getting irritated when i accidentally put it in wrong the first time, until i finally got it right.

i went to call my sister, but i got her voicemail.

i wanted to try calling suga, but i figured noya probably had the same idea- especially knowing he probably wouldn't talk to asahi about it, given the circumstances of the argument. he knew asahi would feel guilty and blame himself for 'ruining our friendship' and noya wouldn't like that.

god, even when i'm mad at him, i know him

too well.

so, i dialed the only other number i could think of in a time like this.

it rung once. twice. three times.

on the fourth ring, i was afraid he wouldn't pick up, but then-

_click._

_"hello?"_

i couldn't bring myself to say anything at first, just tried to calm myself down enough to talk to him.

_"ryū, are you there? is everything alright?"_

finally, i spoke, trying to stop my voice from wavering.

"no. everything is shit, and it might be my fault. at least a little."

_"okay, what hap- wait... did i just hear a car go by? are you at home?"_

"no, i had to get out of there, so i went on a run. i'm at the park."

_"don't go anywhere, i'm on my way."_

"no, you don't have-"

_"too late, i'll see you in ten."_

he hung up and i stared blankly at my phone. guess i had ten minutes to kill.

///

finally, i heard running footsteps crunching on the grass, and turned to see him.

ennoshita.

sorry- i guess i should say chikara.

he slowed to a walk, and i could hear him breathing heavily as he got closer.

"wh- what... happened?" he panted as soon as he was near enough.

i didn't speak. i just wrapped my arms around him, and buried my face in his shoulder.

i could feel his chest and shoulders heave as he caught his breath, but at the same time, he was rubbing my back, and i couldn't help a tear that slipped out.

"what happened?" he asked softly after a minute or two.

"everything's shit," i mumbled.

"you already said that."

i sighed and pulled away.

"yeah, i know. urgh, everything that's happening messed me up, man. now everyone's mean except you."

he smiled gently.

"i'm sure that's not true. how about we sit down and talk about this?"

i nodded and we sat on a bench underneath a tree that would soon be filled with pink cherry blossoms.

"so..." i started.

i had to think for a moment. how could i phrase this without giving everything away? i didn't want to say anything preemptively in case i ended up not liking him...

what if i told him i was confused and got his hopes up, only to let him down later? i couldn't do that. if it came up, i'd just make something else up.

"i yelled at noya and now i think he might hate me," i finally explained.

"so what exactly happened? just a few hours ago you were worried sick about him. although i guess you did mention you were annoyed at him..."

"yeah... the thing i mentioned earlier... at lunch, he promised we'd talk about it _finally_ , so i was thinking that would actually happen. but then as soon as he finished talking about his problems and getting advice, he was going to hang up! so i may or may not have snapped a little and started yelling at him about everything and saying that he was a shitty friend."

he frowned.

"well, the delivery leaves something to be desired but... i'm proud that you were able to say what was on your mind. and... i don't think he necessarily deserved that, but i think it might've been a good reminder that the entire world doesn't revolve around his relationship issues, and he can't really expect us to drop everything just because he's upset. honestly, i was starting to get a little tired of him sighing over asahi all the time. and i know i can't be too critical, because he's still hurting, but i think he was taking it a bit too far. it's like he was so absorbed in his own problems that he forgot everyone else has problems of their own too."

once he finished speaking, i stared at him, slack-jawed.

"oh! sorry, was that too much? i was just trying to say what was on my mind, and-"

"no! i think that was great! and yeah, he probably has been a bit self absorbed... i don't necessarily regret finally getting that out, but like you said, the delivery left something to be desired... when i was yelling at him, i think he looked a little scared, and i- i've never seen him look that way before, especially not with me. god, i feel awful."

i buried my head in my hands, which were propped on my knees. i saw a couple tears hit the ground, but it was blurry. i just screwed my eyes shut as tight as possible, feeling the salty sting of regret.

i felt chikara's hand on my back, comforting me once more.

"i know it's hard right now, but even best friends fight sometimes. i know you guys will be able to come back from this, i think your friendship is too strong to lose it over a little something like-"

i shot up, staring at him incredulously.

"a _little_ something?! are you kidding me?! this is like his whole life right now and i basically said he was overreacting and his feelings didn't matter! i mean, not that exact wording, but still..."

"ryū," he said, his tone firm for once, in a way that surprised me. "listen to me. i know this seems like the end of the world right now. and this asahi thing may be nishinoya's whole world right now, but listen. a year from now, none of this will matter, right? i'm sure everything will have blown over by then, and this will all be a distant memory. just a bad dream. this next day or two is probably gonna be the worst of it, but you guys are eventually gonna have to talk to each other and i think you'll be able to apologize and work everything out."

i slumped over a bit.

"you're right. really smart too, definitely smarter than me..."

"hey, don't say that. maybe you're not 'classroom smart' but that's not the only kind of intelligence there is. i think you're very smart when it comes to understanding people's emotions and i've heard that you're a really good cook."

"wha- did my sister tell you that?! or was it noya?"

he chuckled a bit.

"i'm not saying. point is, it doesn't matter if you get good gardes, because that's an awful standard of smarts. school tests your ability to memorize facts, and that's about it. a lot of people aren't good at that, and that's okay. there are _so many_ other things that if you do understand, you're like a genius! even the 'smart' people that get good grades might not understand things like that, and that's one of the things that makes you special."

he beamed at me, and i found myself staring at him in awe.

i didn't realize i was slowly leaning in closer to him, until he nervously said, "ryū? wh- what are you doing?"

a dark blush appeared on my face, and i just wrapped my arms around him, pretending that i had been going for a hug the entire time. i felt him sigh a little bit, whether in relief or disappointment, i couldn't be sure.

"thank you, chikara. you've been a big help. and you really didn't have to come all the way out here just for me, you know?"

"well... what are friends for?" he asked quietly.

it might've been my imagination, but his voice seemed to hitch on the word 'friends.'

i squeezed my arms around him tighter, before releasing him and scooting back a minuscule amount.

"you can go home now," i said with a smile. "i think i'm gonna run a bit more, but this has really helped. thank you."

he stood up and held out his hand to me.

"it was no problem. i'm glad to give you advice in a park at any time."

i took it, and stood as well.

"only in a park though?" i teased.

he grinned.

"only in a park."

i chuckled.

"guess i'll have to schedule all future mental breakdowns here then."

"yeah, guess so. goodnight again, ryūnosuke."

"goodnight, chikara."

it only occurred to me when he let go, that we had been holding hands the entire time, and my face warmed again.

i shook it off, and began running once again.

_**.ennoshita.** _

i turned and watched him run off. i couldn't help falling for him more and more by the day.

_'if only you knew...'_


	25. ennoshita is Done with the bs

**_.nishinoya._ **

wednesday morning had come, and so far, it was _awful_.

at morning practice, tanaka and i avoided each other like the plague, and the others definitely noticed.

"nishinoya-senpai, did you and tanaka-senpai fight?" shōyō asked.

i glanced around uncomfortably for a minute and then shrugged.

"maybe, kind of... a little bit? it's weird right now, i don't know."

he nodded, with wide eyes.

"i hope you guys can make up soon!"

"yeah, me too."

with that, he seemed to be satisfied, and turned to run off towards kageyama to ask for a toss.

i breathed out heavily and slumped my head.

"are you alright?"

i nearly jumped out of my skin.

"jesus!" i turned to see asahi. "oh, it's you. well, close enough."

"what?"

i waved my hand.

"nothing. ugh, people keep asking me that."

"well, you seem a little down. i just wanted to check on you."

"yeah, thanks. before you ask, yes, me and ryū had an argument, but i'm sure it'll all be fine." i glanced over to where ryū was sitting by ennoshita. "at least, i hope so."

"well what exactly happened between the two of you?"

i shifted my weight a bit.

"i don't think i can tell you that."

"was it about me?"

i pursed my lips and tried to look anywhere but him.

i was surprised to hear him laugh.

"figures. it's okay, you don't have to tell me if you think it'd just make me feel bad."

i let out a huff of air.

"i mean, if you really wanna know, i guess you could always ask suga."

"ah, so that's what that was about."

"what?"

"last night i was in a call with..." he cleared his throat. "daichi and suga, and in the middle suga had to hang up because he said he was getting a call from you."

i blushed.

"right, yeah... makes sense that you would've already been in a call with him... urgh, why does everything suck right now?!"

i carded my hands through my hair, and asahi sat next to me.

"yeah, i get that. i kind of argued with daichi, and things are a bit awkward right now... so if you wanna talk about it... i mean, i know you said you wanted to take things slow right now... and also you don't want to tell me what you and tankaka argued about... and also the fact that one of the other things that sucks right now is probably me... hmm, maybe that wouldn't be such a good idea after all."

i couldn't help but laugh a little bit at his genuinely concerned expression.

i shook my head.

"thanks for still caring so much, even though... well... despite everything that's going on right now. and if you wanna talk about anything... you said you argued with daichi?"

he shook his head.

"it's fine. and besides... i don't think i'll ever stop caring," he confessed softly, with a certain longing in his voice that tugged at my heart.

"me either," i said so quietly it was almost a whisper.

we sat side by side silently for a while until practice started.

we didn't avoid each other anymore, but neither of us made any particular attempt to go out of our way to talk to the other either.

but, _god_ , it was awful not talking to ryū and constantly looking away whenever we accidentally made eye contact.

i had _just_ gone through this with asahi at the end of last week, why do i have to do it with ryū now too?!

life is so unfair sometimes.

///

lunchtime rolled around, and i rolled into the designated classroom of the day: where ennoshita, kinoshita, and narita were already sitting next to each other.

"hey, y'all," i sighed, pulling up a chair. i glanced around. "he's not here?"

they exchanged an uncomfortable glance.

"no, he hasn't shown up yet," ennoshita confirmed.

i nodded and started slowly eating my lunch.

i'm sure the others noticed i was uncharacteristically quiet, and i wondered if they knew why. i'm sure they had also noticed that ryū and i had been uncharacteristically avoiding each other, but i hadn't thought to talk to any of them about this problem, and i didn't know if ryū had either.

the thing is, i usually do talk with them about problems- but usually it's minor ones. for _big_ problems, i usually only tell ryū so not as many people know, but unfortunately i cannot talk to ryū about this problem given that it involves him.

i'm not even sure he would want to talk to me right now anyway.

the thought that he could hate me...

i bit my lip, choking back the lump in my throat, and cursing my stinging eyes.

it was just an argument- we can get past it. he wouldn't hate me.

...would he?

i took a sip of water from my water bottle to help calm myself down, and noticed the others staring at me empathetically.

finally, narita cleared his throat.

"are you alright?"

"yeah, it seems like you and tanaka were kind of avoiding each other..." kinoshita added.

"we, uh... just had a little argument, that's all. i'm sure it'll be fine soon enough. i hope."

"it will be," ennoshita reassured.

"you are saying that with an awful lot of confidence... did you talk to ryū?"

he smirked a tiny bit.

"i can neither confirm nor deny the specific goings on of my evening after practice ended last night."

"aha! so you did talk to him! what did he say?! does he hate me forever?!"

i leaned closer to him, and he gently pushed me back into my seat.

"i don't think it's my place to disclose the details of our conversation, but i can tell you that he definitely does not hate you."

"okay, but are you absolutely-"

"nishinoya yuu. you know i love you, but jesus, just take my word for it. calm down a bit and eat your lunch. everything will be fine between you two, i promise."

i was about to complain again, but i heard kinoshita quietly complaining to narita, "why does it feel like we're being left out of something here?"

i turned to them and clapped my hands.

"alright, lemme explain the sitch. basically, i brought up a... i guess sensitive topic? to ryū a couple days ago. and it was just a suggestion for him to think about something, and then i said if he wanted to talk about it, i would give him advice, but then i forgot cuz i'm a shitty friend and i've been to distracted with asahi recently."

they glanced at each other then back at me.

"that does not sound ideal, but-" started narita, but i got distracted by a movement from the classroom door.

i spluttered slightly then turned back to narita.

"shh, he's here, don't let him know we've been talking about him."

he smiled slightly and nodded.

"alright."

ennoshita quickly changed the subject and managed to sound completely natural, and it was almost scary how easy it was for him, but i decided to just go with it and pretend to be listening and understanding what was going on.

"so anyway, i couldn't believe they still hired her! i mean, after what happened in 2017, you would think, since they _claim_ to do thorough background checks, that-"

at that moment tanaka sat down, avoiding looking at any of us (but mostly me).

"hi, ryū, how was your morning?" chikara asked brightly.

i did a slight double take.

since when did chikara call him ryū? usually i was the only one who called him that! (not that i was jealous or anything).

"it was okay," he said quietly. "you can keep telling your story if you want."

"oh, i actually don't remember what i was gonna say now. anyway, y'all won't believe the craziest thing that happened in my dream a couple nights ago, i can't believe i forgot to tell you guys sooner. i was at school, but it also wasn't school, if that makes sense..."

for most of lunch, ennoshita, kinoshita, and narita were mainly keeping up conversation, while ryū and i awkwardly sat in silence and ate.

as soon as ryū was done, and politely sat until a couple minutes before the bell, he rushed out to go back to his classroom.

i sighed.

why couldn't this all be over?

kinoshita patted my shoulder.

"hey, this will all be okay before you know it. i may not have all the details, but if ennoshita says he talked to him and thinks everything will be okay, i'm sure it will be. have a little faith in the guy, yeah?"

i looked at ennoshita who was blushing slightly, and agreed.

soon enough, lunch was over, and it was back to class.

///

afternoon practice was almost over and i couldn't be happier.

it was so awful not talking to ryū, and not talking much in general, and i just wanted to go home.

unfortunately, before the going home could happen, a moment of reckoning happened instead.

shōyō was begging me to teach him rolling thunder again, so i figured i might as well, to distract myself.

unfortunately, since i was trying to show him the exact movements, i was going a bit slower than usual, and my muscle memory didn't quite kick in as much as i would've liked, so my roll was a bit off.

normally, this would not have been a problem.

today, it was.

it just so happened that ryū and chikara were walking across the path of my mislead roll.

"ouch!" ryū exclaimed as i crashed into him.

i quickly jumped to my feet.

"sorry! i was, uh... just trying to show shōyō r-rolling... erm... well, i got a little messed up, and uh..."

"god, i can't take this!" chikara fumed.

we both looked at him in stunned silence.

"you guys are best friends! i don't care if you had a fight, it doesn't matter, okay?! why can't you just apologize and talk about it like civilized human beings instead ofsuffering with this awkwardness?! you know you don't _have_ to wait a certain amount of time before talking! i know you want to let things cool down, but jesus christ, i can't stand this anymore! this isn't how you guys are, so just _talk_ to each other for crying out loud!"

ryū and i looked at each other sheepishly.

"so..." i started.

"i'm sorry that i yelled at you. we probably shouldn't talk about everything here, but how about when we leave?"

"okay, that sounds good."

i held up my hand for a high-five and was glad when he took the offer.

i was about to walk away again, when i felt a hand on my shoulder and looked over to see daichi.

"so i heard your little outburst," he said to ennoshita.

"i wasn't necessarily being quiet," he agreed.

he chuckled.

"yeah. noya, tanaka, we only have fifteen minutes left and these practices aren't required anyway, so how about i let you go early?"

we looked at each other and shrugged.

"i guess that would be fine," i said.

"yeah, sounds good to me," ryū agreed.

"alright, just don't cause too much trouble out there. see you tomorrow."

"see ya, daichi-san."

"see you tomorrow."

with that, we left the gym side by side, not speaking a word until we had changed and begun walking home.


	26. the Timeline up until Now

_**.tanaka.** _

"i'm sorry i yelled at you and called you a shitty friend," i said after a long silence.

we were currently walking in the general direction of both our homes.

"no, i'm sorry. i should've been there for you to talk to instead of having my head up my own ass."

i shook my head.

"nah. i kind of did exactly what you warned me against. i kept my feelings bottled up to an extent and didn't try hard enough to talk to you about it. i don't think i would've been as mad if we could've talked."

"how about we agree that we're both at fault here?"

i nodded, and went to speak, but noya had started talking again.

"but i'm more at fault because i should've been there for you. this problem wouldn't even exist if i hadn't brought it up, then i left you all alone, even when i _know_ how hard it is to question your sexuality, and i just shouldn't have done it. i can't take back what i did, but i'm gonna try to make it better and actually listen to you now and try to give you advice instead of expecting you to give me advice all the time."

i hesitated, processing and thinking about his words.

"i think that sounds good. it's just... it _has_ been really hard for me recently. and of course i had my sister to talk to, and i even talked to kiyoko and yacchan about it, and ennoshita sorta, just leaving out the big details of course... but i really missed you. and... you weren't there to help me when i needed you most."

my voice started faltering at the end of my statement, and i cleared my throat to try to get rid of that pesky about-to-cry feeling.

"ryū..."

i looked at him to see him blinking rapidly and briefly wondered if he felt like crying too, before he got closer and i felt his arms around me.

i hugged him back as tightly as i could, and felt his hands curling tightly around the material of my jacket.

i'm not sure how long we stood there, just hugging, but it felt like forever. and yet... at the same time, not long enough.

eventually we pulled away with sniffles and wiping our eyes.

"let's never fight again," noya suggested, attempting a lighthearted laugh.

i nodded.

"agreed. i know it was less than twenty four hours, but i hated not talking to you, and being mad at you for even just a few days felt weird and gross."

"alright, so are we all good now?"

"all good," i confirmed.

"so... ennoshita?"

i blushed remembering our encounter in the park last night.

"bro, i'm seriously starting to think i might like him. s- something happened last night..."

he raised an eyebrow.

"oh? do tell."

"how about we head to sakonoshita and get some meat buns and i'll tell you there?"

"sounds like a plan."

luckily we weren't too far from the store, so we got there quickly and got some meat buns, sitting on a bench outside with the bag sitting between us.

"okay, we have our food, now spill the tea. did you have sex with him?"

i spluttered, my face heating up.

"why is that the first place your mind went?!"

he laughed.

"to be fair, after i told you my talk with... wait, i'm not sure if i should bring that up now..."

"it's fine to mention one thing as long as you don't make it all about you again."

he nodded.

"alright. but yeah, after i said my talk with asahi was weird, the first thing _you_ asked was if we had sex."

i made a face.

"i _guess_. anyway, no, we didn't have sex, you pervert."

"but you-!"

"shh. do you want the tea or not?"

"okay, i'm quiet now. for once."

i nodded.

"so i was really upset after yelling at you and ran to the park and i called him because my sister wouldn't pick up, and i was like, 'you don't have to come to the park to talk to me,' and he was like, 'it's too late, i'm coming to the park to talk to you,' and i was like, 'okay, i guess that's fine.' and anyway, he showed up at the park and we had a bit of a heart to heart moment and i was all emotionally vulnerable and shit, and i swear, i think i was about to kiss him. but then he was like, 'what are you doing??' and i was like, 'oh shit,' so i hugged him instead. ugh, it was kind of embarrassing though, what if he knew what i was about to do?"

"whaaaat?! bro, are you for real?!"

"yeah, dude, no cap!"

"bruh, i can't believe this. actually maybe we _should_ fight more often if it leads to you making a move on ennoshita."

i looked at him pointedly and he held up his hands defensively.

"jeez, sorry, sorry, that was a joke. tough crowd."

i rolled my eyes and smiled endearingly.

"yeah, whatever. are you gonna eat this last-?"

"nah, you can have it, i'm all good."

"thanks, bro."

as i ate the last meat bun, noya spoke up again.

"alright, given how mad you were, i figure that can't be all you wanted to talk about. especially given that it didn't happen until _after_ you've got mad, so say absolutely everything you want to, even if we end up talking here for an hour, and i'll try to bestow my gay wisdom upon you."

i swallowed the last bite and smiled.

"thanks, bro. i don't really think it'll take _hours_ or anything, but it might take a while. can we go to your house to talk?"

he jumped up.

"absolutely, let's go right now."

i got up as well, chuckling and throwing the empty food bag in the trash as we began walking.

///

"the tea. now," noya demanded.

we were in his room; he was lying on the bed, and i was pacing around.

"okay, so it all started on saturday night, when you first brought up the whole 'ennoshita's been looking awfully cute recently' thing."

"haha, right, i remember that."

"whoa, i wasn't done talking. i'll tell you when you can talk."

"oop, sorry, bro, okay."

"so anyway, that was the moment i had to start reevaluating every single interaction between me and him, and it all went downhill from there. i mean, at first you gave me some advice, i remember you talked about how it took you a long time to figure out your sexuality, and i was like, 'bruh what,' cuz i don't wanna take years to figure this out or whatever, just a few days is stressful enough, you know? and then you were like, 'yo, we can talk about it any time,' and i was like, 'phew, i'm glad i have a good friend like you,' and then we kissed? that was kind of weird. was that weird for you?"

"i mean, a little bit. like, i guess i would do it again if you wanted to, but i wouldn't do it out of nowhere. like, i didn't necessarily _enjoy_ it but i also didn't hate it, you know?"

"yeah, makes sense. anyway, after that you kinda got sad about asahi again after we watched that movie, and i was like, 'oh no, i don't want you to be sad,' and then it was all good, and for most of sunday since you were at my house, i was pretty distracted, but when you went home, i kinda couldn't sleep. i mean, that was the first time since you brought it up that i was alone to think about it and it was super scary, man, i think i might've lowkey had an anxiety attack there for a sec. but yeah, after going back monday, interacting with chikara felt weird and i was scared he would somehow know what had happened over the weekend and be freaked out by me, but he was acting normal which was almost worse? and i was like, 'oh shoot, how did i never realize how attractive he is before?' but then i was wondering if i _actually_ thought that or if i was just thinking that since you had planted the idea in my head, you know?"

i paused to take a deep breath, and noya nodded.

"yeah, i get that. in situations like that it can be a little extra confusing."

"so anyways, from that point on it was like all i could think about. and monday night i was talking to saeko on the phone about it which was nice, but it just didn't hit as different as talking to _you_ , ya know? and anyway, i was talking about how i might like him, but i couldn't picture myself with any other guys, so i probably wasn't bi or anything, and what did it all mean? what if i was faking? and then she brought up a term i hadn't heard before called heteroflexible, and i was like, 'yo, that sounds kinda like me,' cuz i mainly like girls, but ennoshita is just-"

i paused to press my lips to my fingers and made a 'mwah' sound as i released them.

"-chef's kiss. so yeah, i was like, 'dang, imma have to think about that though.' and after that i complained about you not being there for me a bit, and we just talked about random stuff, then i went to go shower and i was really tired, but you called me so i had to answer. and you were going on your big rant and i gave you advice and i was thinking, 'this is some kind of advice exchange, so while i've got you here-' but then you were all sad and i felt bad and you hung up anyway, and that was that. so i was kinda stewing away in negative emotions again without saying anything, which was Not Good. oh yeah, while i'm doing a Big Feelings Release Honesty Time, i was kinda pissed that you told asahi we kissed. i mean, i know you were having _your_ Big Feelings Release Honesty Time, but it would've been nice if you had at least asked me about that first."

he grimaced.

"yeah, sorry about that, i wasn't thinking. i just wanted to be completely honest and let him know the whole situation."

"eh, i'm over it now, it doesn't really matter. but yeah, after you hung up i went to write in my journal about all the confusion which i guess helped a bit, but it still took a little while to fall asleep, thinking about everything that was going on."

"sexual fantasies about you and chikara?"

he ducked and laughed as i threw a pillow at him.

"shut the fuck up, bro," i said, but i was laughing too.

"okay, sorry, sorry, continue," he said with a giant grin.

"so yeah, tuesday came around and you had your asahi drama again, but you also promised that we could talk about my ennoshita drama and i was like, 'heck yeah, it's finally happening!' and then... well... you know. it didn't happen. and that's when i got all angry and yelled at you after you tried to hang up on me. anyway, that's when i ran to the park and chikara and i had a _Moment_. like, this is some type of story book, cliché shit right here."

"alright, so then i assume nothing big happened today, which takes us up to now, right?"

"right."

"alright, now that we've got our time line out of the way, i want you to go _in depth_ about every single emotion you've had over these past four days, whether it be horny or hungry or constipated; happy, angry, sad, whatever. we're best friends so nothing is too much information."

i nodded.

"alright, so every single feeling..."


	27. Every Single Feeling

_**.tanaka.** _

"alright, so every single feeling..."

i sighed.

where to start?

"take your time to collect your thoughts, it's fine. however long you need," noya reassured.

i nodded.

"thanks."

i sat on the pillow pile on his floor as i had gotten tired of pacing and standing.

i pulled a pillow over my head as i thought about where to start, and as i decided on a good point, i brought the pillow down to hug against my chest.

"alright, so it begins at the same place, saturday, as you already know. i mean, i didn't think about it too much immediately- like i said, i did a quick evaluation of every single interaction, but like... in general. it would've taken way too long if i thought about everything in depth. but yeah, while you were still at my house, i was mostly distracted from thinking about it, but from sunday night to now, i haven't been able to get it out of my head."

"right, right."

"so since then i've been really confused, and-"

"i think you've mentioned that before."

"bro! we've been over this! wait for an appropriate opening before talking instead of interrupting!"

"ah, sorry, i forgot. i'll try to be quiet."

"so, it's been really weird... trying to imagine myself with another guy, like... ugh, this feels awkward to talk about."

"bro. look who you're talking to. first of all, we're best friends, and like i said, nothing is tmi. second of all, i'm gay _as fuck_. no need to feel embarrassed about any of this."

"yeah, you're right. but it also feels weird cuz i've been 'the completely straight guy' for so long and i feel like talking about this will make you think of me weirdly."

"you know what? that's a valid concern, but you're fine. some people don't figure out their sexuality for a long time, so it doesn't matter if you've been 'completely straight' your entire life and you're just now starting to question it. not everyone figures these things out as a kid or teenager. besides, you're still pretty young anyway, and we haven't known each other for _that_ long if you think about it, even if it feels like we have. another thing: i also haven't had my sexuality figured out for that long either. like i mentioned, it was only about the beginning of this year that i started to accept and understand it."

"yeah, i guess you're right... maybe it's not so strange after all..."

"you're all good, buddy."

"okay, so... every single feeling, huh? well, like i said, my interactions with him have felt different ever since saturday, and like... i can't stop thinking about him. and... sometimes i imagine, like... going on dates with him, or holding his hand, or even kissing him." my face burned. "and... i'm not exactly sure what it all means, but i definitely don't hate the idea? it... it actually seems kind of nice."

"aww, you're in love!"

i sat straight up from my reclined position.

"who said anything about love?!"

"oops, sorry. there i go with my big mouth again. let me correct myself: aww, you have a crush!"

i sighed and collapsed back onto the pillow pile.

"i mean... maybe? i'm starting to actually think i might like him... the other day, when i went to talk to kiyoko and yachi about it-"

"oh yeah! how did that-"

i glared at him, and he slapped his hand over his mouth.

"it went fine. it was kind of scary at first, but they gave me some good advice. they were both really shocked at first, it was kind of funny. makes sense though. oh, and you were right, they're both gay."

"yes! i knew-"

i glared again, and he covered his mouth again.

"so yeah, i talked to them and called upon their infinite, lesbian wisdom. and at first, of course they were all like, 'omg! you've only thought about it four days? no wonder you haven't figured it out yet! it can take a long time for this stuff!' talking about how hard it is to figure out feelings, given how insubstantial they are and whatnot. and i already knew that so i was kinda like, 'yeah, thanks for that.' i mean, just saying that isn't gonna really help me any, right? so anyway, after that, i was venting about you a bit, and talked about how i was discussing it with my sister and brought up the idea of being heteroflexible. then yachi was all like, 'so ennoshita would be your exception!' and i got super flustered, man, butterflies in my stomach, everything. and... i can't say i am opposed to that idea. anyway, yachi lowkey called me dumb, but only in the fact that i don't have much experience with lgbt matters. it was kind of funny though. but anyway, after i had laid out my heart in front of them, they were like, 'well, we can't exactly give you much advice with that,' so then it was question time."

noya nodded.

"that's always a good idea, to get a more concrete feel of what exactly your feelings are."

"yeah, i thought so too. and they asked how i felt when i looked at chikara, so i looked at him and my heart kinda did this BU-BUMP thing and i felt all blush-y and i was just like, 'i feel confused.' then they asked if i find him attractive, and i said yes, but i wasn't sure if it was aesthetic attraction or what. then yacchan basically asked if i wanted to have sex with him-"

"WHAT?!"

"sorry, she was like, 'could you see yourself engaging in romantic or sexual activities with him,' or something like that, and i was like, 'i guess,' but again, i didn't know if it was the idea planted in my head that i should want to do that or just me. then she asked how my feelings felt the same or different than my feelings had been for kiyoko which was kind of awkward, and i said they felt different, but that you and my sister had said feelings for guys vs girls felt different, so i didn't know if that meant anything, and THEN she asked if i wanted him in my life ten years from now, and at the time i was still pretty indecisive, like, 'i don't know, i guess?' but now... i'm thinking yes, i definitely don't wanna lose touch with him, and i still want him to be a major person in my life, be that as a friend or... romantic partner."

"aw, you're blushing."

i sacrificed another pillow to throw at him.

"shut up, i know i've been blushing like this whole time. let me see you talk about asahi like this and _not_ blush."

"okay, but did you-"

"that was an example, you can do that later if you want, but this is me time."

he nodded.

"that's what i thought. you may continue."

"right. so then kiyoko was basically like, 'right, we're not getting anywhere, so why don't you sleep on it. these things are hard to have an answer to at first.' and i asked if 'am i gay' quizzes are accurate and... well, there were mixed results. kiyoko thinks no, yachi thinks yes, so they decided maybe sometimes. kiyoko said that they can definitely help point you in the right direction, but at the end of the day, it's still up to you to make that final decision. then that was about it for then, and right after that convo, chikara suddenly appeared behind me and i was like, 'oh god, did he hear any of that?' but luckily, it didn't seem like he did, so i was relieved. and he was basically there to call me a slacker for wasting the end of practice and enlist my help to clean up. so i said something about spilling the tea, and he said, 'you're straight, are you even allowed to say that?" and when i tell you, i had a goddamn heart attack-"

"bro, that does sound terrifying though."

"right, but he was just chill about it and went to help me up since i was sitting on the floor, and i took his hand, and i felt like there should be flowers and sparkles in the background or something with everything slow motion, that's what it felt like. like... his hand was softer than i expected, and it felt like it fit... it was very nice to hold, and i may or may not have held on a little longer than necessary. and then when i got up, since momentum exists or whatever, i was right up close to his face, and sometimes you see someone really close up and it's like, 'ew' cuz then you see all the imperfections, but this mother fucker!! is literally still perfect and looks very handsome up close, and oh my god, i think i like him."

noya sat up, his eyes sparkling as he looked at me.

"that's awesome dude! but before you stop there, is there any other supporting evidence?"

"yeah, actually. so there was- um, that night- holy shit, dude, sorry, i can't stop shaking right now, this all feels really terrifying like this huge, life-changing revelation."

he didn't say anything, but i heard a soft _thump_ , then after a minute, felt a dip in the pillows beside me, and his arms around me.

"i know, it's terrifying. but i know you're strong and you won't let something like this get you down!"

"y- yeah. thank you. so, um... that night we walked home together since you were talking to asahi again, and i also vented to him that i was annoyed at you-"

"damn, you're just bad-mouthing me to _everyone_ , aren't you?"

i laughed.

"shut up, i just felt like i still needed to get it out, even though i had already told a couple people, you know?"

"yeah, i get it."

"so anyways, we were talking about it, and he asked what the big issue was that you had brought up that made me annoyed at you, and i was like, 'fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,' because i couldn't say anything, _obviously_ , so i just said it was super secret and i had barely told anyone yet, and he seemed fine with that, so i was like, 'phew.' but after that, there was this super awkward silence until we got to where his street was, and he said goodnight, and he used my full name and i was like, 'god damnit, why do you do these things to me,' because usually when my full name is used, it's by a teacher reprimanding me or something, but when he said it, it felt... special? i guess? and i got all blush-y and butterfly stomach-y again, but said goodnight, and he walked into the sunset and i swear, he looked almost like some ethereal being or something. and i was kind of just standing there for a second like, 'oh my god, dude, do i actually like him?' but again i was still super indecisive, so i went home. then, like i said, there was the park incident later that night where i almost kissed him and, yeah."

"if you could do it again... would you kiss him? or at least want to?"

his question stopped me in my tracks and brought the blush back to my face.

"yes."

i tried to say it with the most conviction i could muster, but it still sounded kind of weak and unsure to me.

"so you're sure you like him?"

"well... you asking again is making me unsure, but- fuck that, yes. i'm absolutely sure. i love spending time with him, and making him laugh feels like the entire room is lit up, and i just want to hold his hand, and smell his hair, and hug him, and bury my face in his shoulder, and talk to him for hours, and kiss him, and-"

i cut myself off with another giant blush.

noya laughed hysterically.

"fuck, dude, i thought _i_ was gay, but if this goes any farther, you're gonna be whipped."

"you're already whipped, you can't say anything."

"you're right. just saying."

"yeah..."

if this goes any farther... he meant if i were to ask him out and we started dating.

my stomach did a flip flop, but not in a bad way. just thinking about asking him out made me nervous though.

i had decided though. on thursday, i would brainstorm the perfect idea and perfect way to do it, then on friday, i would carry through my master plan and woo him, and he couldn't say no.

i forced down the rising panic in my chest.

there was no way this could go wrong...

right?


	28. with you, everything feels Okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is purely self indulgent because i wanted some soft asanoya relationship stuff, so enjoy.

_**.nishinoya.** _

i was glad to finally talk to ryū about all this stuff since he was so upset to keep it bottled up before, but honestly...

all this talk of realizing feelings, especially when he brought up my feelings for asahi was kind of painful.

it made me think back to when we were still together...

_~~~_

_i was at his house, and everything was quiet. it would've been silent, but for the constant tick of the clock, and the occasional turning of pages as he read his book._

_we were on his bed, and i leaned on his shoulder, my arms encircling his arm as i texted ryū._

**_ryū: bro wait, wait, do you remember-_ **

**_ryū: "there's no green in this room"_ **

_i snorted loudly, causing asahi to look up at me, his gaze full of love, but i didn't notice. i was too busy texting back._

**_me: omg, i remember that, you deadass looked around and confidently declared that and-_ **

**_me: THE ENTIRE FLOOR WAS GREEN LMAO 😂😭_ **

**_ryū: listen, we all make mistakes-_ **

**_me: lmao, yeah right_ **

_"what's so funny?" asahi finally asked._

_"just an inside joke with tanaka," i clarified and he nodded, looking back at his book. "what are you reading?"_

_he looked at me again, his eyes sparkling excitedly._

_"it's this book called 'yes, no, maybe so' and at first it was a bit slow, but now that i've gottem into it, it's really good! it tackles important political, racial, and religious issues while still being funny and lighthearted, but with a good balance of serious moments too. and if i know anything about this author and myself, i'm gonna end up crying at least once before this book is over."_

_he chuckled and i smiled brightly._

_"i'm glad you're enjoying yourself so much."_

_he smiled._

_"me too."_

_he looked so happy and cute in that moment, i couldn't resist kissing him._

_once i pulled away, he asked, "what was that all about?"_

_"am i not allowed to kiss my boyfriend?"_

_"i didn't say that."_

_i kissed him again._

_"i love you."_

_"i love you too."_

_even after all this time, my chest still fluttered whenever he said that._

_"can i braid your hair?" i asked._

_"that was kind of random... but sure, i don't see why not. do you know what you're doing?"_

_"how hard can it be?"_

_"well, that definitely makes me feel reassured."_

_"it's just a braid, it's not like i could accidentally kill you."_

_"okay, but let's say there was some freak accident and you applied just enough pressure to my head that it caused some type of-"_

_"you worry too much," i interrupted. "now turn sideways."_

_he nodded and turned, and i sat up on my knees to reach his head._

_i took out the loose bun he currently had, putting the ponytail holder around my wrist, and gathered all his hair to the back of his head, making sure none got caught on his ears or fell onto his forehead._

_i discreetly (or so i thought) smelled his hair. i loved the way he smelled. like cinnamon and a crackling fireplace on a cold winter day._

_he laughed._

_"why are you smelling my hair?"_

_"what?! i'm not- okay, listen here- just... shh, and let me work my magic. go back to reading your book."_

_"alright."_

_i could hear the smile in his voice, and moved his hair aside to kiss the back of his neck._

_then, i got to work, sectioning it into three strands._

_"actually, could you tilt your head up real quick?" i requested._

_"sure thing."_

_he raised his head up, and in the process, lifted his book up in the air so it would be at eye level and he could continue reading._

_i smiled._

_god, i'm so in love with every little thing he does. i honestly never thought i would allow myself to get to this point again, especially so soon... but i was glad i did. and i was glad asahi was the one i gave my heart to._

_i combed it out a bit, causing him to sigh happily._

_"that feels nice," he commented._

_"hehe, if you think that feels nice, you should feel the other nice things my fingers can do."_

_"noya! can't we have a nice moment without you making it dirty?!"_

_i laughed._

_"sorry, sorry. couldn't help myself. but seriously, think about-"_

_"i'm not listening anymore, just reading, bye."_

_i shook my head with a smile, and got back to work sectioning his hair again._

_i quickly got into a rhythm, tucking the right strand over the middle, then the left over the middle, then the right, then left, and so on._

_soon, i had gotten to a point where the sections of hair were uneven at the bottom and i couldn't go any further, so i tied it off with the ponytail as best as i could._

_i sat back down, legs tucked under me, and rested my head on his back._

_"all done," i said quietly._

_"thank you, i'm sure it looks wonderful."_

_he reached his arm back behind him, and i took his hand._

_after sitting like that for a minute, he spoke up again._

_"sorry, but this is kind of uncomfortable. can we sit how we were before?"_

_"oh, right, yeah."_

_i raised my head and untucked my legs, swinging back around to lean against the headboard._

_he turned around as well, and as soon as he was situated, i lifted his arm, and crawled under it._

_he adjusted slightly to hold me better, and i smiled, softly laying my head on his chest. he kissed my temple, and i smiled softly._

_i grabbed his free hand, playing with his fingers for a second before properly lacing our fingers together, palms pressed together._

_we sat in perfect silence, except for the clock and the occasional turn of pages._

_and now, i could hear his breathing and felt the soft rise and fall of his chest._

_i felt so peaceful and relaxed that my eyes slipped shut, and i drifted off without even realizing it._

_~~~_

"you alright, noya?"

i snapped out of my memories, looking at ryū, and i realized a tear had slipped out.

i quickly swiped it away and swallowed thickly.

"fine," i whispered.

he gave me a pointed look.

"you're lying."

i bit my lip as my face crumpled up.

"i'm sorry, i just-"

i swallowed again and shook my head vigorously.

"no. i'm not allowed to talk about it, that's selfish. this is your night."

"hey, listen to me. we already finished talking about all that stuff, it's fine. it's not selfish to be sad."

i choked back another sob.

"okay... i just... was remembering a really nice day with asahi and i-" i took a huge, gasping breath. "i'm trying not to let myself think about it as much now, because i know i have to get over him, but it- it's really hard."

he hugged me fiercely.

"i know. i know, but i'm here. you've still got me, so everything can't be totally bad. and just think- it's not gonna feel bad forever. this is the worst of it, but a year from now, it'll all feel like a bad dream."

i sniffled and nodded vigorously.

"yeah, you're right... thank you."

"any time. i'm just glad we're not fighting anymore."

"yeah, me too..."

i fell silent again, and i couldn't help but wonder.

_'what if i didn't want it to feel like a bad dream? what if i just wanted him back?'_


	29. Finally a chapter where asahi is Sad because i Realized i've only showed noya's sadness so far (seriously, this boy has cried At Least Four Times, but asahi's only shown being Guilty, Regretful, and/or Nervous so far)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you might wanna go back to "suga shoots asahi in the neck and is only a Little Bit Sorry" around the end where suga leaves the call for a quick recap on what's happening

_**.azumane.** _

"so then he asked if i was trans, which was confusing? i mean, i know i have long hair, and maybe he was grasping at straws, but-"

suddenly, i was interrupted by a concerned looking suga.

"hang on, asahi, i... i'm getting a call from nishinoya."

i frowned and daichi quirked his eyebrow up, looking confused.

why would noya call suga? why not talk to tanaka about it? that's what he said he would do anyway.

wait a minute...

"that's weird... i wonder why he isn't calling tanaka instead... maybe you should take it, it could be serious."

"are you sure?"

"yeah, it's fine. i'll just pester daichi."

"alright, sorry. goodnight for now, guys."

we each said goodnight, then suga left the call.

"i wonder what could've happened," daichi said.

"yeah... i hope it's nothing _too_ bad."

he smiled warmly.

"i'm sure he'll be fine. sometimes we all need some of suga's advice, right? maybe he finished talking to tanaka early and needed some more words of wisdom."

it made sense, but i was still worried.

"yeah, maybe..."

"hey, look at me, okay?"

i realized my gaze had drifted from the screen and looked back at his face. he was wearing his most kind and reassuring expressions, and though i still felt uneasy, i was immediately comforted.

"you know nishinoya will be fine no matter what. he's a resilient little guy, right?"

"i mean, i... yes. he is."

"alright, now continue your emotional unload to me so you can get your mind off things."

"okay... where was i...?"

"at the part where he asked if you were trans?"

"oh, that's right. yeah, that was really weird, and i have the biggest amount of respect for trans people, but i'm just not sure why he would think _i_ was trans... again, he might've just been grasping at straws there. but yeah, afterwards, arghh i chickened out and just said i'd tell him Next Wednesday, i can't believe it."

"true, but hey, like you said _and_ suga said _and_ i said, it's good to set a specific date to hold yourself accountable. of course, telling him then would've been ideal, but it's a good alternative."

"yeah, i guess... but noya did make a good point when he said i could just pull a fast one on myself and blurt it out..."

"well, since he suggested that, it wouldn't really be a fast one, would it? because you would be expecting it _and_ he would be expecting it."

"i guess? but i could always wait until a little later when he _wasn't_ expecting it and say it, or i could've said it earlier, or-"

"asahi, listen. what's done is done. you can't keep overthinking this, because-"

"actually, i can and i will overthink this."

he glared at me.

"azumane, i was _not_ done talking, please do not interrupt me like that again."

i blushed, feeling like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

"sorry, captain."

his expression went from stern to slightly bewildered.

"wha-? we're not even at practice?"

i laughed.

"you were using your stern, captain voice so it felt appropriate."

he rolled his eyes and smiled.

"yeah, yeah, you're just jealous that you lack the confidence to do something like that."

"actually, sawamura, i can have confidence sometimes, so _don't_ tell me what i can or cannot do!"

i tried to put as much conviction into my voice as possible, but i wasn't sure if i quite fit the bill.

his eyes sparkled a bit, crinkling up around the corners as he smiled.

"wow, i'm surprised, that wasn't bad."

"thanks?"

he held up his hand in an 'okay' sign. 👌

"no problem, buddy."

"yeah..."

i let my gaze drift away from the screen again, and i wasn't _trying_ to overthink, but-

"asahi."

i shook my head and looked back at the screen.

"sorry, what?"

"i could tell you were drifting again. anything else you wanna talk about while we're here?"

"well, you know how he said we would have plenty of time next year to spend together and he didn't mind waiting until Next Wednesday... god, i felt awful about it. i should've pulled the fast one then, but i would've felt bad about that too. the question is would i have felt worse doing that than not speaking up?"

"well, that's just one of those things you'll never know."

"yeah, i know. rhetorical question. but yeah, one last thing..."

"and what's that?"

"when he rejected my hug- _god_ , that was embarrassing- it felt like he slapped me in the face or something. i just... i really want things to be the way they used to be, but i know that can't happen. at least not now, and even if... if we were to eventually get back together, things probably wouldn't be the same..."

daichi frowned.

"well... that doesn't have to be a bad thing does it?"

i bit my lip.

"what do you mean?"

"well, sometimes even if things aren't the same, it's because they're better. maybe things weren't all great the first time around, so the second time would be like a do-over."

"first of all, everything was completely perfect so shh, and second of all... who says there'll be a do-over?"

suddenly, my breath caught in my throat as i realized just what i had said.

i was aware of daichi speaking, but i wasn't processing anything he was saying.

my throat tightened as i thought more about it, and of course i had thought about it before, but now i was all coming crashing down on me like a giant wave.

i pressed my lips together tightly and felt a tear leak out of my eye, quickly followed by a few more.

"-sahi? asahi?"

"sorry, i just-" i hiccuped and covered my eyes with my hand. "i really miss him."

"i know, i know. and it's hard now, i know, i get it-"

in absolute shock, i jerked my hand down from my face suddenly.

"how could you possibly get it?! you still have suga and everything is perfect because you weren't stupid enough to break up with him and fuck everything up!"

"language! and listen, just because i haven't been in your exact situation doesn't mean i can't sympathize with you, okay?! this is the worst of it, and yeah, maybe things never will be the same. maybe you'll never get back with him, but it's _not_ the end of the world. you'll move on and find someone else. someone better."

he sounded a little... wistful? but i brushed that off, call me selfish, but i was a little more focused on my misery at the moment.

"i guess you're right... i've gotta go now, sorry. goodnight, daichi."

"asahi, wait! i-"

i never found out what he was going to say, because i clicked the end call button.

i flung my head back on my pillow, clutching my phone to my chest.

as the tears ran down the sides of my face and into my hair, i couldn't stop thinking.

_'what if i never stop caring about him? will i always be this sad? it definitely feels like it right now.'_


	30. yours sincerely, Wasting Away

_[when i'm sixty four - the beatles](https://youtu.be/HCTunqv1Xt4) _

_"send me a postcard, drop me a line stating point of view. indicate precisely what you mean to say. yours sincerely, wasting away."_

**_.azumane._ **

i had made it through the day, but it was awful and awkward. and it seemed like that argument last night had made me even more emotionally vulnerable, because i was getting sad again and thinking back on my relationship with noya.

_~~~_

_it was summer break in the middle of third year. noya and i had been together for a little over a month now, and we had gone out for ice cream in the park._

_we were walking down a paved pathway, and i laughed as noya got mint chocolate chip ice cream on his nose as he shoved his cone in his face._

_"let me get that for you," i said, wiping his face with a napkin._

_"that's so cute! is he your son?" a lady nearby asked._

_i snorted and felt noya tense beside me._

_"hey! what the f-"_

_i placed a hand on his shoulder before he could cuss out someone asking an innocent question._

_"actually, no. he's not even two years younger than me, this is my boyfriend."_

_her eyes went wide and she started blushing._

_"oh my gosh, i'm so sorry! i shouldn't have been so quick to judge based on appearances."_

_"it's alright, i get mistaken for an adult a lot." i looked down at noya. "and i can see how you could mistake him for a child."_

_"what's that supposed to mean?!" he asked._

_i laughed._

_"only joking."_

_"hmph."_

_i turned back to the woman and she spoke again._

_"i'm so sorry for interrupting your day, i'll be going now."_

_"it's alright, i don't mind that much. goodbye then."_

_"goodbye."_

_and with a small wave, she walked away._

_as soon as she was out of earshot, noya burst out all his bottled up thoughts._

_"what was up with that, huh?! i'm not a child! i'm not that small! what the heck?!"_

_"noya, honey, you are that small. but it's fine, i like that about you. also, you just used 'heck' when you would normally use a more vulgar word, so maybe you are subconsciously reverting to a mindset of a child."_

_"i- you- wha- i thought you were on my side?! and if you want me to cuss, then what the fuck is up with that?!"_

_"it's okay, you don't have to get so worked up. look, your ice cream is about to melt."_

_he turned back to his ice cream and frantically chomped down on it._

_i cringed. i had never been able to bite ice cream, my teeth were too sensitive. that's why i always got ice cream in a bowl and used a spoon._

_speaking of, i had finished my last bite, so i had to throw away my empty bowl and spoon._

_"i'm gonna go throw this away, i'll be right back, okay?" i told noya, pointing at a nearby trash can._

_"that's fine. but are you sure you wanna leave your child alone?"_

_i smiled, patted his head, and spoke in my most condescending voice._

_"i think you'll be fine, little buddy. if you want to sit on this bench until i get back if you'd feel safer..."_

_he laughed and swatted my hand away._

_"oh, fuck off and just throw away your trash."_

_i laughed and shook my head, walking away._

_after i had reached the trash can and successfully thrown away my trash, i was walking away when i heard another female voice._

_"hey, hot stuff, you single?"_

_i looked to see a woman that was definitely older than i was- maybe late twenties or early thirties._

_"no, i'm not. i'm also in high school, so goodbye, i need to get back to my boyfriend now," i replied, putting an emphasis on 'boyfriend.'_

_"damn, i didn't think you were that attractive anyway," she muttered as i walked away._

_i rolled my eyes._

_ugh, people._

_"was that lady hitting on you?" noya asked as soon as i got back to him._

_"yeah, i turned her down obviously."_

_he angrily chomped down on his cone, devouring it quickly._

_"what's the matter?" i asked._

_"god damn it, i just wanted a nice day but now people keep hitting on my boyfriend!"_

_"hey, you don't have to get worked up. you know i only love you."_

_"wait what?"_

_oh shit, was this how i was gonna say, 'i love you,' for the first time?_

_"i said i only love you."_

_i guess it would be._

_he smiled brightly, all traces of anger gone._

_"i love you too!"_

_he got on his tiptoes and i leaned down slightly to kiss him._

_"let's keep going now, i think they have an area where you can rent bikes!" he exclaimed, excitedly tugging on my hand._

_i smiled and let him pull me along, glad to see his good mood back._

_honestly, being around him was tiring sometimes- what with his constant enthusiasm and energy and all- but in the end, it was one of the things that attracted me to him._

_sometimes, i didn't know how much alone time was too much, and i ended up feeling slightly sad and drained and not knowing why, but noya helped me find the right balance between social exhaustion and flourishing in social situations._

_days like these were a good example- when usually i would have probably just stayed home all day, he took initiative and dragged me out of the house for a fun activity._

_"hey, why are you going so slow? your legs are longer than mine, keep up!" he said, looking back at me._

_i smiled and kissed his forehead._

_"you got it, chief."_

_he laughed and kissed my arm, right under my shoulder- the highest point he could reach conveniently; aka without me having to lean down or him having to get on tiptoes._

_with that, we kept walking along, me going faster this time and trying not to get lost in my thoughts and just live in the moment._

_and what a great moment to live in._

_sure there had been a couple of bumps along the way, but we were both happy now and that's all that mattered._

_~~~_

i had held it together well enough during the day, but i still felt sad and guilty. and now i was crying again.

i knew my pillow was becoming damp with tears, but i didn't care. and i didn't care that it was hard to breathe; i just pressed my face into my pillow more firmly.

i just wanted to drown out all these stupid emotions, and i wished so badly i could take back everything i had messed up in the past week.

i regretted breaking up with nishinoya and i regretted yelling at daichi when he was only trying to help.

god, i felt sick to my stomach.

i pressed my lips tightly together, trying to force the bile back down my throat, but i immediately knew it wouldn't work.

i ran to the bathroom, kneeling over the toilet and emptying my stomach.

after that, i flushed it down and laid on the floor, crying to myself.

i had never felt more pathetic in my life.


	31. daichi and suga simp for each other and the Big Question on everyone's mind: is yachi secretly Shia LaBeouf?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE watch the video, it's great

_[shia labeouf](https://youtu.be/o0u4M6vppCI) _

**_.tanaka._ **

it was thursday afternoon, right around three end of practice, and i felt sick to my stomach.

no matter what i thought of, i couldn't seem to come up with the perfect way to ask ennoshita out!

i was just so... uninspired!

"noyaaa, how did you ask out asahi?" i asked, trudging over to him.

"um..."

"and don't say _he_ asked _you_ out because i don't really believe he's confident enough for that."

"wait a minute, i need to ask suga something."

"ooh, i'll go with you. maybe i can ask how he and daichi got together."

"yeah, i guess."

we walked over to where suga and daichi were standing to the side of the court discussing something.

"suga-san!" noya yelled.

he flinched and looked over.

"what's up, nishinoya?"

"do you know why asahi isn't here today?"

"oh, that. yeah, he's sick today, texted the group chat, said he was puking his guts up half the night."

noya made a face.

"oh, yikes. that's gross, i hope he gets better soon."

"yeah, me too," he said with a laugh.

i saw daichi looking at him in adoration, and remembered through my disgust that i had a question to ask.

although i guess that would be put off for a moment longer, because suddenly noya was talking again.

"oh, yeah! daichi, did you and asahi make up yet or are things still weird?"

daichi looked at noya, seeming a little surprised.

"yeah, we're all good, but how did you know we... had a disagreement?"

he shrugged.

"he told me."

"figures."

i saw my opening, so i started shouting before i could get interrupted again.

"daichi-san! suga-san! i have a question for you two!"

"what is it, tanaka?" daichi asked, turning to me.

"how did you guys get together?"

daichi laughed loudly.

"how did we get together? well..."

"noo! i don't think we need to tell this story!" suga exclaimed, his face turning bright red.

i raised an eyebrow.

"oh? did you do something embarrassing?"

before suga could stop him, daichi rushed out his response.

"it was summer break and we went to the park to ride bikes, and i got on mine and suga said, 'god, i wish that was me,' and i said, 'what?' and he said, 'what?' and then i shouted at him that he was really pretty and i thought i might be in love with him."

suga had sunk down to the floor at this point, covering his face with both hands, but i could still see that his ears and neck were impossibly red.

noya and i had burst into laughter as well.

"suga actually said that?! i can't imagine!" noya remarked. "actually, hmm... maybe i can, he can be quite chaotic sometimes."

"okay, but can you blame me?" suga asked, getting up from the floor. "like, goddamn, i'm always a slut for those thighs."

i snorted and i feel like if daichi were drinking water, this would be the point where he spit it everywhere.

"there are children here!"

"so? i'm sure they know enough at this point that i can say that in front of them."

daichi rolled his eyes.

"yeah, i guess. and i can't deny the fact that i'm _always_ ready to simp for you."

"i think i kind of regret asking," i commented.

"oh yeah, why _did_ you ask?" daichi asked.

"uh, well that's-"

"he has a crush!" noya exclaimed.

"oh! are you finally gonna shoot your shot with kiyoko?" suga asked.

noya chimed in again.

"nope! his crush is-"

i slapped my hand over his mouth.

"hey! they don't need to know that now, i'll tell them when i want to."

"whoops, sorry," noya said, although it was muffled by my hand, so it sounded more like, "ooh, far-ee."

i rolled my eyes and removed my hand from over his mouth, wiping it on my shorts.

"i think asahi was like 75% of your impulse control, i feel like you talk too much a lot more recently."

"what?! that's crazy, he's not... wait... okay, never mind, i think you're right."

"oh no, did you do something you shouldn't have?" i asked.

"not _yet_. but lowkey, i've been thinking about getting my nipples pierced."

"what?!" i exclaimed at the same time suga said, "absolutely _not_!" and daichi said, "you will do _no such thing_!"

he chuckled.

"alright, fine, i won't. unless i already have?"

i grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled it up.

"you liar, you haven't."

"whoa! dude, what the fuck?"

he pulled his shirt back down.

i shrugged.

"don't say stuff like that if you don't want me checking for myself."

he rolled his eyes.

"okay, thanks, daichi and suga, this has been... an enlightening chat? anyway, gotta go now, love you, bye!"

"bye, guys!"

then noya dragged me back to the other second years.

as we approached, they looked up at us.

"oh, boy. noya looks kinda pissed, what did you do, tanaka?" kinoshita asked.

"why do you assume _i_ did something?!"

"he's literally dragging you by your collar," narita pointed out.

"okay, fine, maybe i did something. but he was practically begging me to look at his nipples!"

this time, ennoshita was drinking water and did spit it everywhere.

"what?!" they all exclaimed in unison.

"i was talking about piercing my nipples!" noya exclaimed proudly, seeming to forget his annoyance for a minute.

ennoshita wiped his mouth.

"that's a terrible idea. first of all, that's one of the most painful piercings to get, and second, what if it got infected or something?"

"how would you know it's so painful?" noya asked.

chikara raised and eyebrow and reached for the hem of his shirt.

i spluttered quietly a tiny bit and started blushing, but he laughed and took his hands away.

"i'm kidding, i would never do that. i've just done research."

"why would you do research if you're never going to do it?" narita asked.

"let's just say sometimes i can't sleep and i get bored."

narita shrugged.

"that's valid."

"um, of course it's valid, i'm a bad bitch. i can't do anything that's _not_ valid."

i laughed a little, and fucking _snorted_.

everyone looked at me, and i slapped a hand over my mouth, feeling my face heat up. god, that was embarrassing.

chikara started laughing, and soon everyone else was laughing too.

"fuck you guys, it wasn't that funny!"

"i mean, it kind of was-"

"ugh, whatever, i'm going to hang out with the managers again, they're nicer than you guys."

as i turned to leave, i saw out of the corner of my eye that ennoshita had stopped laughing quite as much.

was he jealous?

no, i might've been making things up. i probably just killed the good mood.

i mean, i kind of _wanted_ him to be jealous if it meant he liked me...

no! i don't want to think about that so much right now.

"i need more lesbian wisdom," i complained, sitting in front of yachi and kiyoko.

"what this time?" kiyoko asked.

"so i finally figured out these stupid feelings, and i guess i have a crush on him or whatever, so now i just have to figure out how to ask him out."

"why not just Do It? it doesn't have to be a big deal," yachi suggested.

" _'why don't you just do it?'_ " i mocked slightly. "ugh, it's not that easy, yacchan."

"why not?"

i raised an eyebrow.

"would you be able to 'just do it?'"

she turned red.

"probably not," she admitted.

"do you like someone, hitoka-chan?" kiyoko asked.

i couldn't tell if she was surprised or disappointed or neutral or what.

yachi squeaked.

"oh! i was just speaking hypothetically," i rushed out.

"i see," she said.

"no! he wasn't speaking hypothetically. i... really like you, kiyoko-san, and i know you probably wouldn't like me back or want to date a first year, especially me, because-"

"i like you too, hitoka, and i would like nothing better than to date you," she said with a smile.

my jaw had dropped.

am i witnessing the start of something gay and beautiful?

yachi turned back to me and stuck out her tongue.

"see? guess it's not that hard after all."

"yacchan, you're shaking."

"oh, am i?" she laughed. "i'm not surprised, that was literally terrifying."

"am i that scary?" kiyoko teased.

"a little bit yeah."

"whaaat?!"

"i mean, you're not _scary_ , but it's scary because i think you're so out of my league and you still wanted to date me."

"of course i want to! ever since i first met you, i've felt this special connection..."

i almost felt like i shouldn't be intruding on this moment.

"alright, thanks for the advice, guys," i interrupted. "i think i'm gonna go try it out."

i walked back over to the second years, trying not to panic at what i was about to do.

"aha, crawling back here, huh?" noya inquired.

i ignored him.

"chikara, can i talk to you outside for a sec?" i asked.

he looked a bit surprised, but replied, "sure."

noya raised his eyebrows.

"ooh, get it, ryū," he mumbled.

"shut the fuck up," i hissed back.

"so... what did you want to talk about?" he asked once the gym door had closed behind us.

well, here goes nothing. the make or break. the big one. the grand fuckening. the-

wait, i need to stop stalling and just talk.

"well... it was recently brought to my attention that i may not be as straight as i thought i was, and also that i have feelings for you. i checked with myself to confirm these things, and it seems like it's true. i was also informed that you have feelings for me, so i thought i'd check with you to confirm this as well."

i wasn't really informed of the last bit, but i was trying to sound more confident than i was.

his eyes were wide and there was a huge blush on his face.

the seconds ticked by, and he didn't say anything.

oh god, did i just ruin everything?


	32. seeing a dog is Important enough to Warrant a facetime

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't usually change pov part of the way through, but i think it's necessary for this one

_**.ennoshita.** _

holy shit, holy shit, holy _shit_.

was this really happening?! did he just say that he's not straight and that he likes me?! me?!

wait, i'm a bad bitch, i shouldn't be surprised.

but, _god_ , i'm actually so surprised right now.

oh wait, i need to respond, i haven't done that yet. or have i?

i looked at his face, and judging by his incredibly nervous expression, i probably hadn't replied to him yet.

i forced a laugh and tried to seem nonchalant.

"ha, yeah, i do like you. have for a while now, i'm surprised you didn't figure it out. i guess you were just an oblivious straight guy though."

i swore i saw him let out a tiny sigh in relief.

"yeah, well... i'm still not entirely sure of my sexuality, but i know that i really like you, so please go out with me!"

i blinked.

"alright."

he blinked back.

"wait... for real?!"

i smiled.

"yeah, we're dating now."

it felt so weird to say that out loud. is this a dream? i wanted i pinch myself, but that'd be weird.

"whoa, that's awesome, who knew that'd be so easy?"

i rolled my eyes.

now that he wasn't so nervous, he was the same as ever.

"so easy, huh?"

"i mean... kind of. when yacchan suggested it, it didn't seem do-able, but here we are, so that's good, i guess."

"wait, is that why you've been hanging out with the managers so much recently? were you getting advice?"

"perhaps."

i laughed. and here i was nervous that he was trying to get with kiyoko, when he was really trying to figure out how to get with me!

"well, if we're dating now, and it's really so easy, then why don't you kiss me?"

wait, what was i saying?! of course i _wanted_ to kiss him, but i still didn't know how comfortable he was with his sexuality yet, and how long he'd been thinking of everything, and-

and suddenly, he was right in front of me.

"alright," he agreed.

i could tell he was trying to appear more confident than he was, but he was probably really nervous.

would this be his first gay kiss?

i mean, i assume so, he's always been the token straight guy on the team after all.

he reached his hand up to cup my face, and started leaning in.

i could feel his breath, warm on my face, and then-

"hey! tanaka! ennoshita! get in here and help us clean up!"

he jumped away, and stumbled back a few feet, looking like a deer in headlights, then smiled sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck.

"well, guess we should get in there... sor-"

before he had the chance to apologize, i marched up to him, grabbed his collar, and kissed him.

just a short peck on the lips, but his entire face turned red, and i smirked in satisfaction.

"right, like you said, we should get in there now, right? they need us to help clean up."

without waiting for his response, i turned on my heel and marched back into the gym.

_**.tanaka.** _

holy shit, holy shit, holy _shit_.

was this really happening?!

did i finally just kiss him? or he finally kissed me?

i pinched my arm to make sure i wasn't dreaming, then my fingers drifted up to touch my lips.

i didn't have a lot of reference points for kissing, but that was definitely better than my kiss with noya (sorry, noya).

i definitely enjoyed it a lot more, and i think if i didn't know i liked him already, this just confirmed it.

suddenly the door slid open, and suga poked his head out.

"tanaka, what's taking so long?"

i blinked and put my hand down.

"sorry, i was lost in thought."

"don't tell me you and ennoshita fought this time... i mean, he didn't seem too upset when he came in, so..."

i shook my head.

"nuh-uh. i'll tell you about it later, but it's nothing bad."

"alright. now get in here, the floors don't mop themselves."

"yeah, whatever."

///

i was at home again, and i couldn't stop pacing. i was on the phone with noya, freaking out.

"bro, oh my god, i'm! like, panicking? not in a bad way, but i'm just overwhelmed!"

"details. what happened outside?"

"so basically when i went to talk to the managers, i asked for advice about how to ask him out, and yacchan was just like, 'bro, it's not that hard, why not just do it?' and i was like 'listen, would you be able to just do it?' and long story short she ended up asking kiyoko out right there and she said yes, and i was like, 'omg! am i witnessing the beginning of a new, beautiful, gay relationship?' and yeah, i was so _that_ was crazy. so then i was inspired by yachi's confidence when i went back to the group."

"aha! so how did it go? did he say yes? did you chicken out or did you actually ask him?"

"ok, shh, so we went outside, and i just said i liked him, and wondered if he liked me back, and if he wanted to go out with me. and he was quiet for a bit which _freaked me out_ , i was almost shaking, but then he was like, 'yeah, i like you, i'll go out with you.' and i was like-"

i let out a huge breath of air to mimic a sigh of relief.

"'thank goodness,' but i didn't say that out loud, maybe i should've though. i was a little caught off guard so i said, 'for real?' and he said yeah, and i ran my stupid mouth again and said, 'well that was easier than i thought it would be.' and he was all like, 'well, if it was so easy, then kiss me,' and i was like 'WHOA, WHAT?!' but i didn't say that out loud of course. obviously i was super cool and calm and collected and went, 'okay.' but inside!! i was so scared! i was shaking a little bit and felt all short of breath because, ya know, my first gay kiss! and-"

"hey! i was your first gay kiss!"

i stared at him pointedly and he grinned.

"you know what i mean," i said with an eye roll. "my first meaningful gay kiss. anyway, i was like a centimeter away from his lips, and that's when suga yelled at us to get back in, and i was so startled that i jumped back and was like, 'oops, guess we have to go inside now, i'll get back to you on that later,' but chikara was having _none_ of it, and he marched up to me and grabbed my collar, and just... kissed me!"

i could feel my face heating up, but i continued.

"and i was like, 'hhhhhh,' because! ahh!! i can't believe this! a week ago, i never would have imagined..."

i trailed off, starting to feel a little funny. this _huge_ life development was happening, in what? five days? six? basically my whole life had just turned around.

"oh boy. hey, ryū? you good, buddy?"

i dragged my hand down my face, and tapped the side of my head a couple times in frustration before letting my arm flop back down at my side.

"ughh, i don't know?? i just realized everything is happening really fast, and- and it's kind of hard to breathe."

"shit. do you need me to come over?"

i shook my head.

"no, it's fine. i'll be fine."

"if you say so... i know it's a really terrifying thing, and i can't imagine how it is for you. i had a lot of time to think everything over and come to terms with my feelings before... you know. and, well, you haven't really had all that time to process. i brought this up less than a week ago, and you were already awesome enough to take initiative to figure out your feelings and act on them! and yeah, it's gonna feel new and scary now, but just try to take things slowly, and you'll get used to it."

"yeah... feels a little weird that i still haven't told kinoshita or narita yet though."

"i mean if you want to we can do that now! hang on, lemme add them to the call!"

he grinned widely and tapped his screen while i did a double take.

"wait, i-"

"too late, it's connecting!"

"what's up?" kinoshita asked.

"yeah, you _never_ call us out of the blue like this!" narita exclaimed, the sarcasm thick in his voice.

noya rolled his eyes.

"ha ha very funny, but some things are just too important to only text about."

"it was just a dog you saw on the street!"

noya, kinoshita, and i gasped in unison.

"listen, i may not be a fan of all the random calls too, but how could you say _just_ a dog?!" kinoshita questioned.

"exactly!" noya added.

"but anyway,you also could've just texted us about that. i love to see dogs, but i'm not sure if it warrants a whole facetime."

noya shook his head.

"i guess you're right, but this is actually super important."

"alright, what is it?"

"i swear if it turns out to be something trivial again..." narita muttered.

noya directed his gaze to my box on the facetime screen.

"ryū?"

i mentally prepared myself for what i was about to do, before taking a deep breath and spitting it all out as fast as i could.

"so noya and i may or may not have just had a big heart to heart where basically i had a big breakthrough, and realized i may or may not have a crush on ennoshita, and when i talked to him outside, i asked him out and he said yes."

narita's jaw dropped and kinoshita gasped.

"i guess it was actually important!"

"you're telling me! how long have you been thinking about this?! wait... was this the big controversial topic that you and noya fought about?"

noya and i replied in unison, "yes."

"well damn, guess we gotta start brainstorming now."

i furrowed my eyebrows.

"brainstorming what?"

"official first date ideas!" kinoshita replied, as if it was obvious.

"aw man, i was in the middle of homework as well," complained narita.

"oh. well, it's ok, you can do your homework now, i'm just gonna try to keep processing this all and start thinking of the perfect idea later," i said.

"alright, if you're sure. i'm gonna get back to my homework now, goodnight."

everyone wished everyone else a goodnight, and kinoshita and narita left the call.

i heaved a huge sigh of relief.

"that was scary," i said.

"yeah, it was, and i'm so proud of you! you're so brave!"

i laughed weakly.

"thanks. i think i'm gonna get going now too though."

"okay, goodnight then."

"night, noya."

i left the call and flopped back on my bed. it was still relatively early in the evening, but if i started trying to sleep now, i could get all my overthinking out of the way and actually fall asleep at my normal time.

with this thought in mind, i got ready for bed, and laid back down, closing my eyes and allowing my thoughts to drift whichever way they would go.


	33. tanaka ryūnosuke, Simp Extraordinaire

_**.nishinoya.** _

i arrived at practice. just another day. one day closer to Next Wednesday.

i frowned when i saw asahi still wasn't there. at morning practice i was a little concerned, but figured maybe he'd show up at afternoon practice.

however, here we were, and no asahi.

"suga-san, is asahi still not here?"

suga smiled sympathetically.

"i'm sorry, he's not. he said he was feeling a little better, but still wasn't in good enough shape for practice."

i frowned.

"alright. hope he'll be here monday."

"me too," he sighed. then he quickly added, "we all miss our ace."

i nodded.

"yeah, sure do."

"just don't say you're quitting the team again if he's not here by monday," he laughed with a wink.

i blushed.

"i won't! i mean, i'll have to get used to playing without him next year anyway..."

suga sighed softly.

"yeah... aw, man, why would you remind me that i'm gonna have to leave you all soon? i'm gonna miss you."

his eyes had gotten glossy and i gave him a big hug.

"i'm sorry, suga-san! please don't cry."

he laughed weakly and wrapped his arms around me, resting his chin on my shoulder.

"i'm not crying, you're just seeing things. i really am gonna miss all you guys though. you're like my family."

i bit my lip, feeling a little teary myself now.

"i'm gonna miss you too, i feel like we're family as well."

we stayed hugging for a while until we heard, "what's all this?"

we pulled away to see daichi standing there.

"i accidentally made him sad, i'm sorry!" i yelled, bowing at him.

"what did- what happened?"

"no, it's fine, i just... he brought up graduation and i started thinking how much i'm gonna miss everyone," suga explained, voice cracking once or twice.

"oh. oh, well..." he averted his gaze and looked at the floor. "now you guys are gonna make _me_ sad too," he said quietly.

"i'm sorry!" i shouted. "i didn't mean to make both of you sad!"

daichi let out a quiet chuckle.

"it's alright, noya. we'll have to come to terms with it at some point, right? and it won't be goodbye forever... we'll still try to call and visit often."

i nodded.

"okay... i'm gonna go now though, before i actually start crying."

they nodded and waved goodbye, and i walked away. technically my excuse was valid: i didn't want to cry, but i also wanted to give them a moment alone and not intrude on something that wasn't my business.

"hey, noya?"

i turned to see chikara.

"hey, what's up?"

he avoided eye contact and messed with his fingers a bit, popping a few of them.

"so... i'm guessing ryū told you everything that happened between us?"

"everything that happened? what do you mean?"

he looked a bit nervous.

"well..."

"nah, i'm messing with you, of course he told me. congrats, by the way!"

"ah... thanks. but, the thing is..."

"trouble in paradise?"

he rolled his eyes.

"i'm sure you've noticed it. he's avoiding me. i just want to know if he told you anything. he won't talk about what happened, and he's avoiding eye contact. i'm just... really nervous, you know? he's always been the oblivious straight guy, and he says he likes me out of the blue? i've just liked him for so long, and i don't want to get my hopes up now just to be let down later. what if he changed his mind, or... or if this is all some elaborate joke? ha ha, look at ennoshita with a crush on tanaka, how pathetic, right? god, i hate feelings."

"i get where you're coming from, but you _know_ he would never joke about something this serious! and you _know_ he's really been going through it, he even yelled at _me_ because of all this! and that's no joke, that's on period, pooh."

he sighed.

"i _guess_ , but i'm still worried. i can't help it..."

i nodded.

"i get where you're coming from. but you have to understand, this is all really new and confusing for him. i mean, you've had plenty of time to figure out and come to terms with your sexuality and feelings for him, but he's still really new to this, and is pretty overwhelmed. i know he's confident in his feelings for you, but this is his first gay relationship or even experience! i'm sure there's nothing to worry about."

"yeah, i guess you're right. maybe i should try talking to him about it again."

"that sounds like a great idea."

he nodded.

"alright... things are kind of slow now, maybe i can get daichi's permission to leave early."

i glanced over at where daichi and suga were huddled together with their backs to us.

"um... i think they might be having a private moment over there, so how about asking coach instead?"

he glanced over at them, then back at me.

"alright, see you later then. wish me luck."

i held up my crossed fingers and grinned.

"i will. good luck."

he walked away to coach ukai and take-chan, talked to them for a second, then went over and tapped ryū on the shoulder.

after a short exchange, they left the gym, and i sighed, feeling a bit emotionally drained, and even physically drained too.

it was as if all the recent events of the past week or so were finally all crashing down on me, and the full weight of everything was heavier than i originally thought. and now i was exhausted and sad.

i walked over to kinoshita and narita.

"you guys, please talk me out of doing something stupid."

"for the love of god, please don't say you got your nipples pierced," narita begged.

"what?! oh, that. nah, i won't... probably. but that's not it! different stupid thing this time."

"what are we stopping you from doing, then?" asked kinoshita.

i sighed, slumping over a bit and dragged my hand across my face.

"i'm feeling emotionally drained and want to text asahi that i miss him."

"well... why not?"

"why not?! i was dumped! i can't do that and be a weird, clingy ex!"

"i guess... would you like a hug for now?"

"yeah, that sounds good. oh, separate hugs from both of you, group hugs are never any good."

after hugging both of them, i felt a little better.

"thanks, guys. you really are real ones."

"no prob," kinoshita said with finger guns.

"that's what we're here for," narita added.

i nodded, and let my mind drift a bit. i wonder how chikara and ryū's talk is going...

_**.ennoshita.** _

"we need to talk," i said once we had gotten outside. we had stopped in the small courtyard by the club room.

he looked a little startled.

"okay... what about?"

"you _know_ what about. why are you avoiding me? why don't you wanna talk about what happened?"

he hunched his shoulders.

"it's hard..."

"why? are you doubting your feelings? regretting choosing me?"

"no! of course not! i just... i've never... i never thought..."

"that you'd end up with a guy?"

"yeah... that. it's all so new and terrifying and one minute i'll be like, 'okay, this is chill,' and the next minute i'm like, 'hold on a second! i've only had this figured out for like, a day! and i've only been thinking about it for... not even a week!' and it's scary... also i think you're really cute which kind of makes me nervous."

he was blushing, and i'm sure i must've been as well, given how hot my face felt.

i smiled.

"thanks... i think you're cute too. and i guess i understand why you feel so nervous about all this. i've had more time to think about all this and process it, but it's still fresh for you."

"yeah, and um... this is also kind of my first relationship... at all?"

i did a double take.

"wait... are you telling me that tanaka ryūnosuke, the ultimate simp, has never been in a relationship? before me?"

he ducked his head, turning even redder.

"nope, never. and uh... i also only had my first kiss recently."

"was that me too?"

"uh... technically no."

"technically no?"

"noya kissed me a couple days ago when he first brought this up... i don't really count that one though..."

i was stunned into silence for a second, then started laughing.

"of course he did! oh, that nishinoya..."

"so you're not mad?"

"of course i'm not mad. i mean, it all happened before we got together, so i don't mind."

"yeah, you're right."

"speaking of... i know it's scary, but could you put more effort into this relationship? it doesn't have to be any pda or anything extreme, but... at least acknowledge it."

he fidgeted with his hands a little, and nodded.

"alright. you- ennoshita chikara- are my- tanaka ryūnosuke's- boyfriend. i never thought i'd be in a relationship with a guy, but i'm glad it's you, and i really like you."

he breathed out a big sigh after he was done.

"i like you too. and i'm glad you're my boyfriend."

we stood awkwardly for a moment, and just when i was about to turn away, he stopped me and put his hand on my face.

he looked into my eyes, and said, "i really do like you. and i don't think i'll be changing my mind on that any time soon."

then, he leaned in and kissed me.

it was a little longer than our first kiss, but still relatively short.

we pulled away, and started heading to the club room.

i grabbed his hand and said, "i'm glad noya brought this up to you. otherwise we might not be here now." i laughed. "i'll have to thank him later for being my wingman."

ryū laughed too.

"yeah, he is pretty good for that."

"by the way, i'm glad we talked about this. if you're ever feeling insecure or anything again, just tell me, okay? you can talk to me about anything."

"alright, i'll keep that in mind. and i'm glad we talked too."

i smiled softly and looked over at his easy grin, so different from the slight frown he had been wearing all day.


	34. a Little Bit of angst,,, as a Treat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao can y'all tell i was sad when i wrote this? it was missing my friends hours 🥺💕 (i'm feeling better now tho 👌)

_**.nishinoya.** _

i know i had told kinoshita and narita to help me from being stupid, but...

i think i was gonna do the stupid thing anyway.

it was at the point in the walk home where they had to split off, and ryū had left early with chikara, so now i was alone with my thoughts, and i was feeling extra drained. as an extrovert, i liked to be around people, and it would probably be better to be around people right now given my already unstable emotional state.

i was currently sitting at a bus stop that was on the way home and was staring at my phone.

i had typed out, _'i miss you,'_ to asahi.

i stared at it, then deleted it.

i typed it again, and my finger hovered over the send button.

i deleted it again.

i covered my face for a minute.

i typed it again as fast as i could, and clicked send before i lost my nerve.

i sucked in a big breath, and long pressed the message, my finger hovering over the delete button.

i didn't press it.

i stared at my phone until the screen turned off, and another minute or two later, it lit up with a notification.

_'asahi is typing...'_

the screen went dark again, so i turned it back on and unlocked it. i opened my messages.

the three dots weren't there, but they appeared again soon.

i watched as they disappeared, then came back again.

finally, he sent a message back.

_'i miss you too'_

i felt a lump in my throat and i stood up.

fuck it.

i texted my parents that i'd be a little late getting home, and started running.

soon, i found myself standing outside asahi's house, panting, and resting my hands on my legs.

i straightened up and sent him another message, my lips trembling.

_'come outside'_

it didn't take long for him to reply.

_'what? are you at my house?'_

_'just come outside'_

i saw a curtain being pulled aside in a window on the upper level, and a small bit of asahi's face was visible. he looked surprised, which... didn't surprise me.

the curtain fell back into place, and a minute later, the front door opened and asahi came out to meet me.

the lump in my throat felt ten times worse seeing him, and i averted my gaze, blinking rapidly to try to stop the tears from coming.

"noya? why are-?"

i walked up to him and threw my arms around him.

he hesitantly hugged back.

"what's all this about?" he asked quietly.

i was afraid that if i talked, i would start crying, but i replied anyway.

"i'm so tired, and i... i really miss you."

as i had predicted, the tears spilled from my eyes, my chest heaving.

asahi pulled away slightly, lifting his hand to my face and wiping my tears, which made me even more sad, remembering how things used to be.

"hey, it'll be alright."

i sniffled.

"but..."

"no buts, everything is gonna be okay," he insisted.

i shook my head, more tears flowing, the taste of salt on my tongue.

i figured i should explain why i was so upset.

"i was talking to daichi and suga earlier, and we were kind of talking about how graduation is soon-"

he seemed to tense up slightly, but i continued. he was probably trying not to think too much about that, and now i was gonna make him sad too.

"-and i got really sad because all of you are gonna be leaving soon, and i'm gonna hate not having you all around. i'm gonna miss you guys..." i trailed off, and lowered my voice. "especially you."

he hugged me again, and i pressed my face into his chest, inhaling the familiar scent.

if i tried hard enough, i could imagine things hadn't changed...

it was just another hug from asahi, my boyfriend, and there would be many more in the future. everything was normal and fine...

"i'm gonna miss you too..." he said eventually.

the fantasy shattered.

i pulled away and sniffled, wiping at more of my seemingly endless tears.

"i was talking to chikara too, about a problem he had with ryū, and i realized i'm kind of emotionally exhausted. i hadn't realized just how much i'd been stressed about this past week or so, but... it kinda hit me after talking to him."

asahi sighed.

"yeah, you've had a lot going on... and i'm sorry that i was kind of the cause of a lot of that..."

i shook my head slowly a couple of times.

"it's okay... and i'm sorry for making you come outside in the cold when you're already not feeling well and make you listen to my problems."

he smiled gently.

"i don't mind. really."

"thank you..."

we stood there awkwardly for a minute, and i wiped away the last of my tears.

i moved a little bit and it seemed like some trance was broken.

"well... i guess i'll be heading home now."

"alright... goodbye then, be safe."

"i'll try. see you monday, asahi."

i walked away, and a short way down the sidewalk, i heard, "noya, wait!"

i stopped and turned to see him standing there.

he opened his mouth, then froze for a minute.

he closed his mouth again, and shook his head. i recognized his anxious expression and fidgeting.

"never mind... i'll see you monday."

i nodded, and turned to leave again.

i couldn't help but wonder what he was going to say to me...

as i walked home after that encounter, i tried not to, but it was impossible. i kept thinking of memories from when we were together.

_~~~_

_i was staying the night with him. the futon lay abandoned on the floor, since i had ditched it in favor of sleeping on the bed next to asahi._

_i had woken up, sweating and shaking, from a nightmare. asahi had left me- said he even hated me. it was all my fault._

_of course it was all my fault._

_~~~_

although, now that situation was a waking nightmare...

wait, no! i shouldn't think about this too much... i just stopped crying and i'm still sad anyway, no need to make it worse.

but... i couldn't help myself. memories seem to be better than reality right now anyway.

_~~~_

_asahi had woken up, whether from my sudden movements or labored breathing, i wasn't sure._

_"hey, what's wrong?" he asked sleepily._

_i slowly turned to face him._

_"you'd never leave me... right?"_

_"of course not! you must've been having a bad dream. come here."_

_he opened his arms and i crawled over to him, cuddling up to his chest. he wrapped his arms around me, and i felt safer than ever._

_"thanks," i whispered._

_"it's alright."_

_he stroked my hair slowly until my breathing and rapid heartbeat had calmed down._

_"i love you."_

_he kissed me._

_"i love you too. now try to get some sleep."_

_i smiled._

_"i will."_

_~~~_

i sighed and sped up my walk home. i could continue thinking about this later.


	35. Next Wednesday

_**.azumane.** _

before i knew it, it was wednesday.

this was the day i would finally tell noya the real reason i had broken up with him.

monday had started out fine, but the awkwardness increased on tuesday.

but monday and tuesday held nothing over today. all day, we had been avoiding eye contact, and being overly-polite.

i was pacing around and suga and daichi were watching me.

"arghh! i've never been this nervous in my life! not that i can remember anyway! but... they _do_ say that anxiety can sometimes effect your memory... what if i'm going crazy?! what if i already _am_ crazy?! what if i can't say it?! what if i _do_ say it, and he hates me forever?! what then?! what if-"

i was stopped in my tracks as i felt arms wrap around me from behind, and i tensed up slightly.

"shh, it's alright," suga said.

"what is happening?" i asked nervously, looking at daichi, who was laughing.

"you're my baby now, and i must calm you down from this tantrum," suga clarified.

"what is that supposed to mean?!"

he laughed and i could feel his shaking chest and warm breath against my back. i relaxed and felt a small smile come to my face slightly against my will. i couldn't help it, it was contagious.

"it'll all be fine. don't worry about it, okay? he might be a little startled at first, but he won't hate you forever."

"that implies that he might hate me for a little bit."

he clicked his tongue.

"true, but honestly, who wouldn't?"

"I THOUGHT YOU WERE TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER!"

he laughed again, and i looked back over at daichi for some kind of help, but he was also laughing.

i shook my head and pried suga's arms off me, turning around to face him.

i wanted to be annoyed, but i couldn't stay mad for long while seeing his gleeful expression, and my resolve usually crumbled pretty quickly anyway, especially with suga and daichi.

"see! you feel better now! now stop worrying, you got this."

"okay, but what if-"

"ASAHI!" daichi and suga yelled in unison.

"I'M SORRY! but hear me out... what if i'm already crazy and i think i say it but i don't? what if noya isn't real and i made him up in my head? what if _you guys_ aren't real? what if none of this is happening, and i'm actually in some hospital bed-"

"that doesn't matter, because we love you, crazy or not, and whether we're figments of your imagination or not," daichi said.

"sounds like something a hallucination would say," i muttered.

"just get out there before i make suga get the nerf guns again."

"alright, fine! fine! i'm going now."

they laughed again, and i shot them one last nervous smile before leaving they gym.

///

i was waiting outside for noya to be done changing, and i checked my phone to distract myself.

when he finally got out, we walked together a short way in silence before noya started to talk.

"so... i know it's probably gonna be hard to say, what with all this buildup, so i'm just gonna talk about random stuff to distract you and like... relax you into saying it, i guess."

i chuckled softly, feeling some of the tension relieving already.

"alright."

"so i was telling ryū, chikara, kinoshita, narita... oh, and also suga and daichi about this, so i guess i'll tell you too. they all told me it was a bad idea, but i've been thinking about getting my nipples pierced."

i gasped quietly, and starting choking on my own spit, blushing intensely.

"you _what_?!"

"no, no! i haven't _actually_ done it... yet. and i _probably_ won't, chikara said it's painful and could get infected, so... i was kind of discouraged."

"well... good. i guess. i mean, at the end of the day, it's still your choice, so whatever you want to do."

"yeah... although after this weekend, he sent me a bunch of pictures and blog posts about how they would get infected and bleed and be itchy and painful..." he shuddered. "that sort of turned me off that idea anyway."

"yeah, seems like it would."

"alright, off topic, but i was just thinking about it, and give me your honest opinion here. do you think seeing a dog is important enough to warrant a facetime? because according to kinoshita and narita-"

without even thinking about it, i decided to just go ahead and pull the fast one, otherwise i knew i would end up chickening out later. either that, or it would be even more difficult.

"i'm going to tokyo to enroll in college for an apprenticeship after i graduate."

he stopped walking abruptly, and i stopped as well.

he wasn't saying anything, so i kept talking.

"that's what i needed to tell you. and i knew you would be shocked and upset and that's why it was so hard to tell you. but... i took your advice, i guess, and pulled a fast one."

i laughed nervously.

neither of us said anything for what felt like an eternity. then i decided to speak again..

"you're... still not saying anything. do you... what are you thinking?"

finally he replied quietly.

"i... i don't know. i'm kind of... really shocked. i- i need a second to comprehend this..."

i nodded.

"i get it."

we kept walking, and several minutes passed in almost complete silence besides the general noises of nature and cars and just... outside.

i stared at my shoes, occasionally glancing over at noya, but his expression was unreadable.

"so... you won't be around here next year then?"

i shook my head.

"no. i'll be in tokyo for the next four years, but i'll try to visit as much as possible."

"so..." he covered his face with his hands for a second, and sighed heavily before removing them. "i guess... that's alright? i... i mean, i'm not exactly planning on sticking around after graduation either."

"oh? where are you planning on going?"

"i want to see the world, and try all sorts of new things. i was thinking italy."

i gaped at him. italy? that was nearly halfway across the world!

"you- italy?! for how long?!"

he shrugged.

"not sure. with the schools i've been considering, i can do two exchange semesters abroad, so i was thinking of spending my last year there before coming back to japan. or... the other drastic option i've been thinking of... i'm not sure if i'll do this, but i might just go to a school in italy for all four years. it would be hard though... harder to visit, if it was possible at all. airplane tickets are expensive... and it would be hard to keep contact at all with the time difference. i could send postcards and letters and stuff, but i couldn't really call or video chat... any texts i sent, i would have to wait hours for a reply. and that's if i payed for international data."

"yeah... wow... i mean... i can imagine you doing that. seeing the world."

"you can?"

i smiled.

"yeah. you're too adventurous to be stuck down in one place forever."

"yeah, i guess. hey, that reminds me. what sort of apprenticeship are you applying for?"

"fashion design."

"whoa, what?! you?! fashion design?!"

i blushed a little and shrugged.

"yeah... i don't talk about it much, but i'm actually really passionate about it. i like imagining what sort of outfits would look good together, and trying to put them together. i really like sewing and knitting and stuff too. just being able to create things yourself and see your hard work pay off!"

i had looked towards the sky during my speech, but i turned back to him to see him looking back at me with sparkling eyes.

"that's amazing! how come you never told me?"

i shrugged.

"i guess i was just nervous."

he laughed.

"you're always nervous."

i laughed as well.

"not always. but... a lot of the time, yes."

"that's okay, it's one of the things i like about you."

my breath caught in my throat slightly.

"thanks," i faltered.

he bit his lip, seeming to realize what he said.

"no problem. i guess... since you finally said what you needed to say, and pulled a fast one, we can go now."

"yeah, i guess."

we stopped, and i realized we were already in front of my house.

this time, it was him that offered a hug.

i obliged, and maybe we held on for a moment too long.

i didn't mind.

i would never mind.

if i could, i would never let him go.

a car rushed by, and i was reminded that i would have to get inside soon.

i let him go.

"goodbye, nishi- yuu. i'll see you tomorrow."

he held back a strangled gasping noise.

"bye, asahi... see ya."

he turned to walk down the sidewalk back towards his house, and i watching him leave for a minute.

then i turned back to my house and went inside.


	36. the Vibes are Off, and this chapter gave me The Big writer's block

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> seriously tho, this chapter gave me so much trouble, because for so long i was just building up to Next Wednesday, and then when i got there i just- didn't know quite where to go after that. once i got into the flow, it wasn't too bad, but anyway, my writing gets a lil worse with writer's block, so pls bear with that.

_**.nishinoya.** _

i laid on my bed and stared at the ceiling.

i was just trying to comprehend everything that happened. asahi would be leaving after graduation.

i had always thought he was sticking around.

and of course, i wasn't going to stick around, but at least i was planning on waiting til my last year of uni before i left for italy.

i guess i need to restructure all my fantasies of the future accordingly then.

we won't be able to spend time together outside of school unless it's a holiday or something. and that's thinking optimistically, if he decides to come and visit.

i wanted to talk to ryū about it, and i would-- in a couple minutes. but for now my head was swimming, and it felt like i couldn't focus on anything with all the new information i had just absorbed.

so i sort of let my thoughts wander how they would please, and just let my brain sort everything out by itself.

///

when i finally opened my eyes and grabbed my phone again, i saw it had been closer to fifteen minutes than five.

i shook my head slightly and rubbed my eyes, trying to shake off this weird, groggy feeling.

i clicked the call button. it rang and rang and rang, but... he didn't pick up.

i frowned.

a minute later i got a text from him saying he was already in a call with ennoshita, but if i wanted to call back later that would be fine.

i sighed and flopped back down.

everything about this afternoon and evening, and honestly just this whole day in general feels... _wrong_.

it's hard to explain, but somehow the vibes are off.

i banged my head back against my pillow a couple times, kicking around a bit to try to release some of this nervous energy.

then i plugged in my headphones to listen to some music. i scrolled through my library until i found a song that fit the vibe. arrow, by half alive.

_'life begins to happen when i plan something else. trying to be somebody, but all i got was someone else. my plan's always changing, always rearranging, no. slow it down, release control, slow and steady, let me know.'_

i covered my face and squeezed my eyes shut as the lyrics washed over me.

my plans did seem to be changing quite a bit recently, especially with this big revelation. and i guess i was trying to be somebody, but i didn't stay that way.

and by somebody, i perhaps mean asahi's boyfriend. 👁👄👁

_'the hardest place to be is right where you are. in the space between. the finish and the start. it's the arrow in your heart.'_

oh shit, now these lyrics were really resonating.

it was pretty hard to be around asahi these days when i just couldn't seem to get over him. just being friends with him was so difficult, but i hoped it would get easier with time.

_'i'm fast and i'll end up exhausted. out of breath, thinking where i went wrong. this heart is afraid to beat slowly. miss a chance at what I could become. i know that i can't run forever. but i can't stand still for too long.'_

i clenched my fists a couple times.

it was true, i _did_ want to keep going and improving myself as fast as i could, and for as long as i could.

but i can't keep going at this rate forever. i would have to take breaks at some point.

but if i stopped going for too long, what would happen to me?

i don't think i would be able to get up and keep going if i did that. i would lose my momentum and burn out.

but is it better to burn out or burn up?

if i kept pushing myself too much, and flew too close to the sun, i would never be able to come back. at least, not easily.

i groaned.

"hhh, what am i supposed to do now? should i try to feel better or just sink into this weird mood and feel worse by listening to my sad playlist?"

i kicked around a bit more as i thought about it, and decided to listen to my sad playlist first, then try to feel a bit better.

i clicked my playlist called _'sad boi hours 😪'_ and pressed shuffle.

the first song that came up, was, of course, asleep by the smiths.

i remember asahi introducing me to this band a long time ago.

_"it's an english band that was really big in the '80s! i just discovered some of their music and i think you'd like it!"_

i sighed and turned onto my side, curling up into a ball.

_'sing me to sleep. i don't want to wake up on my own anymore.'_

i curled up even smaller than i would've thought possible and scrunched my eyes shut.

_'there is another world... there is a better world... well, there must be...'_

i tried to regulate my breathing and felt my heart speed up. this didn't feel right. my stomach hurt.

why do i feel so anxious all of a sudden?

is this what asahi goes through all the time?

god, i feel awful. i don't get anxious a lot so i never really think of how bad it really feels.

and to think, just a couple hours ago i was at practice, joking around with friends and felt perfectly fine and happy.

i took a shuddering breath and abruptly sat up. i needed some water.

i crept downstairs, and once i could be sure the coast was clear of parents, i got a glass of water, and ran back up to my room.

i drank it all in about three gulps, then slammed it down on my desk.

i was breathing heavily, and it didn't seem to be slowly down.

fuck. _fuck_.

what should i do? should i call asahi? he probably knows more about dealing with anxiety than i do.

but no... i think talking to him might make this worse, and cause me to think more about why i'm anxious in the first place.

should i try ryū again? no, he's probably still in a call with chikara, and i don't want to bother him.

should i try kinoshita or narita?

i glanced at the clock. narita's probably doing homework and i wouldn't want to bother him.

kinoshita it is then.

with shaking fingers, i put in my passcode, having to try a couple times before i actually got it right. then i went to my contacts and clicked on the call button for kinoshita hisashi.

it rang and rang.

_"hey, noya, everything all right?"_

i forced a laugh.

"absolutely not!"

_"that's not good... what's wrong?"_

since this wasn't a video call, i couldn't see what his face looked like, but i had a pretty good idea of the expression he was making.

"it's hard to explain... the vibes just feel off, and it's making me feel super uneasy and anxious. plus i keep thinking of everything that asahi just told me and that doesn't help much either."

_"oh shit, that's right, you mentioned you were gonna talk today. so he finally told you the reason behind the breakup?"_

i took an unsteady breath, a little uncomfortable that he could talk about this all so casually, and like it wasn't still tearing me apart inside no matter how much i tried to get over it all.

"yeah, he told me... i'm not sure it's my place to share anything right now, but... it was really shocking. and... at first it didn't really sink in, but now i'm having more time to process it, and... i don't feel so good."

_"i'm sorry to hear that... i'm not really sure what to say... but i'm sure everything will be fine. maybe you should try to distract yourself somehow, or go to sleep early and see if you feel better when you wake up?"_

i sighed.

"yeah, i guess that sounds good... thanks."

_"no problem."_

"i think i should be going now... bye."

_"are you sure you don't wanna talk any more about it?"_

"yeah... i'm sure. goodnight, hisashi."

_"...goodnight, yuu."_

i hung up, threw my phone down on my bed, and paced around the room for a minute.

i flopped back onto my bed, and plugged my headphones back in.

that call felt wrong too...

god! i just want this to stop! i feel like if i slept early though, i might wake up feeling worse...

i clicked play on the next song and slumped back down on the bed.

i heard the first few notes drifting through my headphones. calm me down, by american authors.

_'everyone tellin' me what to do, what to think, where to be. but every day, every day, every day's fillin' up with my anxiety. i can barely open up my eyes. open up my eyes, eyes, eyes.'_

i put my hand over my face to cover my eyes. this almost felt like too much.

_'i need you here to calm me down. i don't know if i can stay strong, hold on, for too long. i've been lost. i need you here to calm me down.'_

that was it. the straw that broke the camel's back.

i paused the song and opened my contacts again, this time selecting azumane asahi.


	37. in a Fight between Noya and Math, who would Win?

_**.nishinoya.** _

_"yuu? is everything okay? what's with the sudden call?"_

"no, nothing is okay, and everything is bad, and i wish i was asleep right now."

_"well, what's wrong?"_

"how do you deal with this all the time? it sucks! i'm not having a good time right now!"

_"hey, hey, relax. what's the matter?"_

"the vibe feels completely off and it's making me all anxious. i tried distracting myself but nothing works."

_"how exactly is the vibe off? is anything in particular wrong or is it just a weird feeling?"_

"ugh, everything. i mean, it's a weird feeling, yeah, but... ansbdhsjnz, this feels weird too."

he was quiet for a moment.

_"well... i guess that gives you a couple options. you could hang up now and not talk about it, or push through the weirdness and maybe feel a bit better. or, uh... hang up and feel better?"_

"ughh, i guess i'll talk about it. no hard feelings though."

i heard a soft, _"oh boy."_ and then, _"yeah, that's fine."_

"so after all we talked about today... i've been thinking about it, and it feels weird. i always had this image of what the future would be like, i guess, and now it's kind of... all falling apart? i mean, it's not as bad as that sounds, but maybe it kind of is, i don't know. i feel weird that i didn't know about this before... and then i went to call ryū to talk about it, in hopes the vibes would amend themselves, but alas, he was unavailable, which felt even weirder. and i called kinoshita, but we weren't able to talk to much, and everything felt even weirder then. and then i was listening to my sad playlist and got this weird squeezy feeling in my chest and it was hard to breathe, and i couldn't think of anyone else to call."

_"well, first off... i'm sorry that i ruined your vision of the future, and i'm sorry i didn't tell you sooner-"_

"hey! what did i say about no hard feelings?"

_"right, sorry."_

"and stop apologizing so much!"

_"sor-"_ he cleared his throat. _"right. so... i know things are really different now... that's why i was so hesitant to tell you, but-"_

"i'm glad you told me though. it's better to find out now while we still have some time together rather than when you're getting on a train and leaving for... however long."

_"yeah... i'll still visit whenever i can, on holidays and long weekends and stuff... but, honestly, i know how you're feeling about the vibes being off. sometimes you just... don't feel quite right, and it's hard, especially when there doesn't seem to be any glaring reason for it, which points to no obvious solutions."_

"yeah, it sucks. how do you deal with it?"

_"well... i'm sor- er, i don't have any super solid advice, but usually what i like to do is wait things out. while i do that, i like to talk to daichi or suga or you, but you mentioned that tanaka wasn't available, and with kinoshita things were weird too?"_

"yeah. and chikara is also unavailable by extension because him and ryū are already calling each other, and i don't want to intrude. also, narita is probably doing homework about now and i wouldn't want to interrupt again, already did that last night."

_"right... honestly, homework isn't a bad idea to distract yourself, if you think you have the attention span right now. if not, try reading or playing a game, maybe watching a show, listening to music... you could even have a whole self care night, with a bubble bath, face mask, you know, the works."_

i laughed.

"yeah, that honestly doesn't sound bad right now. might try doing some homework though... as much as i hate doing it, i'm way behind on math, and we have a test coming up, so all the work will be due... i guess it also wouldn't hurt if i understood what we were doing..."

_"if you want, i could try to help you. i'm not the best at math, but i probably remember some of what was going on last year."_

"for real?! you'd help?!"

he laughed.

_"of course i would."_

"lit, fam! lemme facetime you real quick so it's easier to see the problems."

_"alright."_

i hung up the call, and as i went to switch it to a video chat, i smiled. the vibe was already starting to feel better, at least a little bit.

///

"ohh, that makes sense! thanks, asahi!"

i grinned and he blushed a bit, smiling back.

"no problem, i was happy to help. so, do you think you get it now?"

"yep! i think i'm good."

"alright, i'll leave you to it then."

"night, asahi."

"goodnight, yuu."

i ended the call, and set my phone off to the side.

i twirled my pencil around, losing focus for a few seconds, before shaking my head and getting back to work on this math.

honestly, i'm glad i called asahi, not just to distract me from the negative energy, but also... i had been trying to use a formula that was _way_ more trouble than it was worth, and made things more complicated than they needed to be for the types of equations we were doing in class right now.

luckily, asahi explained the proper formula and a little trick to make it easier to remember!

i let a lazy smile cross my face as i kept working on the equations, not letting myself get too distracted, but still keeping the pleasant emotions associated with asahi at the edges of my brain.

well... recently there had been some not so pleasant emotions, obviously, but... overall, i associate him with happy times, and things were starting to look up recently.

yeah, it's a big shock that he's going away, but... i'd find out eventually, and have to come to terms with it.

and now that i knew his plans, i would have to make the most of this short time we had left together.

of course, there was also the small detail of restructuring my entire future fantasies, like i had mentioned earlier, but that shouldn't be too much of an issue.

i would have plenty of time to do that while i tried to fall asleep.

honestly, sleep is kind of weird. like, sometimes i fall asleep two seconds after my head hits the pillow, and sometimes i have to recite the whole dictionary backwards and act out shakespeare's most prominent works in my mind before i even feel close to sleepy.

so, depending on what kind of night it was, i would have time to daydream about everything.

_maybe when i got back from italy, he would be waiting at the tokyo airport for me, telling me how much he missed me, and we would have a joyous, romantic reunion..._

_i would suggest that we could take shifts driving back to my place, but he would insist that i was too tired from the flight, and could crash at his place for the night. i'd fall asleep in the car, and he'd occasionally look over at me with a soft smile, and make sure the radio isn't loud enough to wake me._

_once we got back to his place- a cute, little apartment on the outskirts of the city- he'd get embarrassed and say it's not much. but i'd say it's perfect just the way it is, and it doesn't matter if it's a little small, because with him, any place feels like home._

_and he'd start blushing and softly caress my cheek, leaning in slowly._

_i'd loosely wrap my arms around his neck, and get on my tiptoes- out of habit. i'd let my eyes slowly flutter shut as i felt his warm breath fan across my face..._

my pencil slipped from my hand, jolting me out of my daydream, and i slapped my forehead a couple times.

"focus, yuu! just a few more problems, then you'll be done for the night! after that, you can daydream all you want..."

i picked up my pencil with renewed determination, and glared at my paper.

"bring it on, math. you're no match for nishinoya yuu!"


	38. a Big Reveal with the second years

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if this is kinda bad, i've still got major writer's block rn 😭✌️

_**.nishinoya.** _

it was currently lunchtime on the following thursday afternoon.

as i had hoped, the vibes had amended themselves after i had slept and cleared my head, and now things were feeling pretty normal again.

well... mostly. it was still new to get into the classroom and see ryū and chikara holding hands under the desk.

i plopped down on the last free chair- i had gotten there last since i had walked slower than usual.

"hey, y'all, how's it going?"

i was greeted by a chorus of, "pretty good"s and "not bad"s.

then kinoshita asked, "speaking of, are the vibes still off today, or are you feeling any better?"

i flashed a thumbs up.

"all good today."

"oh, that's right! we never got a chance to talk last night!" ryū exclaimed. "do you wanna talk now or just call later?"

"i'll talk now. besides, this time everyone can get in on the tea, and i can get more advice from different points of view if necessary."

"right, right, makes sense. now, every detail from the beginning. or whatever you're comfortable sharing."

i nodded.

"so... at first it was all quiet and awkward, and knowing asahi, he probably wouldn't be able to just say it, so i was talking about some random stuff just to mellow out the mood or whatever, and i was just asking if he thought seeing a dog warrants a facetime, and-"

"it doesn't," narita said.

i looked at him with annoyance and held my hand up.

"alright, for those of y'all that are new here- and ryū knows this well- i have a little unspoken rule not to interrupt unless there's an appropriate opening."

he shrugged.

"it seemed appropriate to me."

i cast one last glare at him before resuming my story.

"so i was asking him that, when he just blurted it out! i was real surprised at that, man, like... who'd have thought?!"

"oh man, i know right?! but it's awesome he finally told you!" ryū exclaimed. "so what was the reason?"

i scrunched my mouth to one side, wondering if i should tell them or not.

"well... he told me... he's gay."

ryū gasped and ennoshita made a face.

"i sure hope he was if he was dating you, but that on its own isn't really a reason to break up with you."

"oh right... well, i'm not sure if it's my place to say, but... let's say it's a really big thing that contradicts something he's said in the past, and it threw me off big time. we're talking emergency daydreams to reimagine the entire future!"

"all of humanity's future, or just your future?" ennoshita inquired with a chuckle.

"okay, when i say the entire future, obviously i mean _my_ future!"

"just checking."

"wait, did he turn out to actually be straight then?" tanaka gasped.

"ryū, no... he's still gay."

"oh. okay, just checking. you said it contradicts something he said in the past, so..."

"well, it's a valid guess. so... after that... luckily i didn't cry. i think i was kind of too shocked. but also... i tried to be supportive, because i'm a little bit in the same boat? but on a larger scale? but also with a different timeline, so..."

"this is kind of confusing," narita said.

ryū gasped agin.

"so he _is_ gay! and are you gay?"

"ryū, we've already established that he's gay, and you know i'm bi."

"ohh, you know what? you right. you were just talking about trying to be supportive because you're in the same boat. wait... but you're also attracted to girls, not just guys! so is he actually straight?!"

i laughed.

"okay, now i'm sure you're doing this on purpose."

he shrugged with a huge grin.

"what can i say? annoying people is fun."

i rolled my eyes with an endearing smile.

"well, yeah, anyway. i guess... i don't want to say anything though, in case he doesn't want anyone knowing about it yet. actually... i should've asked more about that. his parents probably know... what about suga and daichi? did he tell them? well, anyways... ryū, i'll tell you later."

"wait, but what about this vow of secrecy?" he asked.

"oh, he already knows i tell you everything anyway, so he knows what he got himself into when he said that to me. we're a package deal, bitch."

ryū clicked his tongue and did a half shrug.

"that's true."

"right, so after he told me... i was shocked... what was after that? hmm... oh yeah! i talked about my future plans and stuff, and then he explained a little bit more about his... decision, and i was actually like, 'whoa! that's cool, how come i never knew about this before?' but yeah, it was a whole thing. anyway, i accidentally might've mentioned a tiny bit that i was still in love with him, but it's fine, i'm sure he already knew anyway, and-"

"wait, wait, i thought you told us to stop you from being stupid?" kinoshita interrupted. "what happened to that?"

"oh, honey, it was already too late. i _did_ end up texting him that i missed him, but it was alright? i didn't end up mortified by that situation anyway, only a bit embarrassed. but yeah, i didn't necessarily say the exact words, 'i love you,' but i said something along the lines of, 'that's one of the reasons i like you,' then i realized what i said and i was like, 'oh shit.' but it was alright. kind of. a little after that, i said goodbye and we went our separate ways, and _that's_ when the vibe was off!"

i paused, thinking.

"oh, wait! i almost forgot, he started calling me yuu again! i swear, i almost got a nosebleed, or fainted, or _something_ , but i was just so surprised, man!"

they nodded.

"yeah," "makes sense," and, "simp," were heard throughout the group.

"so then the vibe was off. not to point fingers, but... it's all everyone's fault!" i did actually point my finger around everyone in the group. "it felt weird at first when i got home, but it got worse when i called _you_ -" i pointed at ryū. "and you were already calling _him_!" i pointed at chikara. "that's when i felt things were... changing. and i knew kazuhito would be busy with homework, so i called hisashi instead, but he wasn't much help. no offense, although honestly there's not much you could've done anyway."

"thanks," he replied sarcastically.

i laughed and made an 'okay' sign with my hand.

"no prob, buddy. anyway, after that... i was stupid again. sorry, y'all. i called asahi."

"the _one_ thing we tried to prevent you from!" narita burst out. "i guess you already did it before though..."

"right you are, my friend. so basically i vented a little bit, lowkey blamed him for being part of the reason the vibes were off, then got him to help with my math homework."

"math homework?" chikara asked.

i nodded widely.

"math homework," i confirmed. "so basically that kind of took my mind off things, and then i went to bed early to restructure my entire future daydreams in my head."

"well, that's one way to distract yourself from bad vibes?" ryū said tentatively.

"exactly! now i'm gonna eat really fast, because lunch is almost over and i'm extremely hungry since i've just been talking this whole time!"

the others resumed conversation as i scarfed down my food, and attempted not to choke.

///

later at home, i was facetiming with ryū.

ah yes, everything back as it should be.

"asahi told me that he's going to college in tokyo for a fashion design program."

"what?!"

"i know right! i was surprised too!"

"fashion design though?! i never would've thought... asahi?! are you sure we're thinking of the same person? well actually... maybe i can see that? hmm..."

i laughed.

"make up your mind, dude, can you see it or not?"

he thought for another minute.

"yeah, i guess i can see it. although everything you said earlier makes so much more sense now! why you were surprised and had to rethink the entire future... and you mentioned your future too?"

"oh, yeah... i said i couldn't be too upset because... you know how it's always been my dream to see the world?"

"yeah, and?"

"well, i was thinking... my last year of college... i'm going to italy!"

his eyes widened and he did a double take.

"seriously?!"

"seriously!"

"oh, man... that's a big decision! i... i'm not even sure what i wanna _do_ in college..."

"honestly, me neither, bro."

"yeah... but i'll miss you so much! we'll even be in different time zones! how are we supposed to talk?"

"we'll talk right after waking up and right before going to bed. any time we can find, pretty much."

"yeah, guess so." he nodded. "so, is that all then?"

i thought for a bit.

"yep, i think that's all i have for this time."

"alright, i'll let you go then. night!"

"night, ryū."

moments later, the call disconnected and i flopped back on my bed.

i smiled.

finally. everything felt right again.


	39. a bit of a timeskip before Graduation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1- this chapter kinda sucks, sorry. also the next one kinda sucks too oops. they get better after that though.
> 
> 2- i finished reading the haikyuu manga last night,,, and i am emotionally devastated. i mean,,, i'm thankful that it exists and that i could be exposed to it and learn about all these awesome characters, but i can't help but be sad that it's over 🥺 but also i was kinda falling asleep for the last three chapters, so i might reread those 😳✌️

_**.nishinoya.** _

graduation was almost upon us, so i should've been spending as much time with asahi as possible before he had to leave, especially now that i knew he _would_ be leaving.

but... for some reason, it just felt... _weird_. something was off when i spent time with him, and the more i thought about it, the more i wondered if it was because of what he had told me.

and besides that, why hadn't he told me sooner? did he just not trust me enough?

and i'm not exactly angry at him per se, but i'm not completely happy with him either.

so the result... i said hi to him sometimes and made small talk if he talked to me first, but i don't usually go up to him first, and we're not having any in depth, philosophical conversations.

also, i'm not being a lovesick fool anymore and texting him that i miss him before showing up at his house and crying into his shoulder for ten minutes before leaving.

god, that's a little mortifying to think back on.

i mean, yeah, i was not doing too well at the time, so it was probably justified, but i couldn't help but regret it in hindsight.

i sighed and prepared myself for one more day. the last day before graduation.

_**.azumane.** _

i noticed recently that noya had been avoiding me.

well- not necessarily going out of his way to avoid me like before. we still talked sometimes, but he would never talk to me first, and it was just small talk. there weren't really any _real_ conversations.

and i mean, i can't complain. after what i told him Last Wednesday, it's only expected that he might harbor some animosity for me, at least for a little while.

i _was_ a little bummed about it though. i mean, today was the last day of finals, and graduation would be saturday, aka tomorrow.

all day, i debated with myself whether or not i should bring it up.

on one hand, it could lead to a conversation where we sorted things out and everything was back to normal, but on the other hand, it could annoy him to the point that he avoided me even more.

eventually, i decided to casually bring it up, and if he seemed irritated, i'd jump ship and change the subject immediately.

"so... how are things recently?" i asked casually towards the end of afternoon practice.

yes, even on the last day of school, after hours of finals, we still held one last practice. there was no morning practice during finals week, and afternoon practice wasn't as strenuous as normal, but it was a little something to help us all unwind for a bit. besides, it was mostly just all the club members hanging out in the gym with only a little bit of practicing.

"ugh, i'm just glad finals are over. i think my brain might've exploded if i had to study anymore."

i chuckled.

"maybe it would be easier if you kept up with the material during the year instead of cramming it all down in one week."

he looked at me skeptically.

"no thanks, that sounds stinky, and i have better uses of my time."

"like avoiding me?"

oh crap. so much for subtle.

his eyes darted around.

"i don't know what you're taking about..."

i raised an eyebrow.

"are you upset that i didn't tell you about my plans sooner?"

"i... no? i... know it's probably difficult for you to say, and i respect that you took your time, because i know it probably wasn't easy-"

"yuu. it's alright if you're upset, i understand."

"okay, fine, maybe i am a bit upset. i just wish you could've trusted me more and talked about it earlier... then maybe we could've figured something out, and things wouldn't have ended up the way they did..."

i frowned.

"yeah... i'm really sorry about that."

he waved his hand in dismissal.

"well, what's done is done, and there's no changing the past, so... might as well just deal with the present and make better choices in the future, right?"

"yeah, you're right."

"okay, cool, good talk. i have to go now though, so... see you tomorrow?"

i smiled weakly.

"sure. see you tomorrow."

///

tomorrow came bright and early, and even though the graduation ceremony wouldn't take place until later this afternoon, i was still starting to get nervous, yet excited.

_a:_ _'either of you up?'_ i texted to the group chat with suga and daichi.

i didn't wait for a reply yet, just turned my phone off, and stretched out on my bed.

i heaved a big sigh and laid there for a second, then jumped out of bed and quickly got dressed. i wore casual clothes for now, but i would have to change into something more formal later.

after making my bed, i checked my texts to see a reply from daichi.

_d: 'yep, i'm up :) suga's probably still asleep tho, knowing him'_

i smiled and typed a quick response.

_a: 'lol, you're not wrong. i couldn't help waking up early, i'm so nervous and excited for later. also kinda sad tho, this is the end of a big chapter of our lives :('_

i thought for a second, then sent another message.

_a: 'sorry, i know you guys don't like me getting all emotional like that'_

i saw daichi's three dots pop up for a minute before a new message came in.

_d: 'well... i'll allow it this time. this is a huge event for all of us, and it's only normal to feel like this. i mean, we'll be leaving pretty much everything here behind. our families, homes, high school, friends, underclassmen, the club...'_

_a: 'thanks for reminding me :/'_

_d: 'ahh, sorry about that, i got a little carried away'_

_a: 'nah, you're good. i probably would've spiraled into overthinking about that myself at some point anyway'_

_d: 'yeah, probably'_

_d: 'anyway, take this low quality picture of my fat cat to make you feel better 🥺💕'_

_d:[fat cat ](https://my.w.tt/W1Y7Os4Aw8)_

_**(ao3's a meanie so i can't use my own pic, but here's a link to the wattpad chapter if you wanna see the fat cat)** _

_a: 'thanks daichi, she's beautiful 😂💕'_

_d: 'no prob lmao 👌'_

we continued texting for most of the morning, suga joining the conversation when he finally woke up, until it was finally time to start getting ready.

this really would be it. the last day of our childhoods. the day that would lead us from the safe shelter of high school life, to the cold, daunting challenge called the real world.

it was almost like the first day of the rest of our lives.


	40. graduation itself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> now this chapter may be called 'graduation itself' but i actually don't go into much detail with the ceremony because i've only been to one graduation and that's my sister's, and tbh it was pretty boring, so... yeah, enjoy.

_**.azumane.** _

graduation. i was terrified as i sat in a folding chair, waiting for my name to be called.

once all these speeches from teachers and staff were over, i would be one of the first to walk, seeing as it would be called by alphabetical order of name.

suga, daichi, and kiyoko would be near each other, since 'sugawara,' 'sawamura,' and 'shimizu,' all started with s.

i fidgeted slightly.

the weather had warmed up, and sitting here in a cap and gown outside was hotter than i would've thought.

walking up across the stage was terrifying, but exhilarating as i received my diploma and shook the hands of all the staff up there.

as i returned to my seat, and watched everyone else walking, i was shaking a bit for a while, but by the time the valedictorian and salutatorian gave their speeches, i was relaxed.

after all the scholarships had been announced, and everyone threw their caps, that was the end, and we were allowed to get up and socialize.

i didn't even attempt to find my cap (good riddance) before i quickly found daichi, suga, and kiyoko.

"you guys!" i called out.

"asahi!" suga exclaimed.

"we're officially adults! ahh! i'm terrified!"

"honestly, same, the real world? i don't know her," daichi replied.

"i think the rest of the team showed up to cheer us all on," kiyoko pointed out with a smile.

we all looked to where she was pointing to see everyone coming towards us with smiles.

we all socialized with them for a bit, and i gave some advice to hinata and tanaka about being an ace, which hinata seemed especially excited about.

then, when everyone else had cleared away, i looked and there was only one person left.

nishinoya stood slightly away from everyone else, seeming like he had a spotlight on him with how my eyes were drawn towards him.

i walked towards him and he shuffled his feet a bit, still looking rather uncomfortable.

"yuu?"

he screwed up his face and looked away for a moment, before looking back at me.

then, before i realized what was happening, i found myself engulfed in a hug.

i hugged him back just as tightly, not wanting to let go.

"i'm sorry," he said.

the words were muffled, but i could understand them with crystal clarity.

"you don't have to apologize. i should've told you sooner."

i felt him shake his head.

"i'm sorry for avoiding you. it was stupid, i mean, i find out our time together is more limited than i thought then i waste it all away being petty." he chuckled softly. "that might've been kind of stupid of me."

i smiled and breathed out lightly from my nose.

"maybe a little," i teased.

he pulled away, his face becoming serious.

"honestly though... i was just... uneasy? i guess? it's hard to describe... and i still feel a little strange now, but i... i knew i couldn't waste these last moments. it's like that one cavetown song that goes, 'life's too short to worry about things that we got wrong, so hug all your friends and let them know you're not letting go.' and... i was thinking about those lyrics and i figured... fuck it, right? we don't have much time left together, and i want to make sure you know how important you are to me."

he smiled and i stood there wide-eyed, feeling slightly choked up.

i hugged him again.

"oh, noya, you're so... _you_. thanks for being this way."

"you're welcome? i think?"

i laughed, pulling away from the hug.

"that was a compliment. and... there's still two weeks before i have to go, so... maybe we could hang out sometime? only if you want to though."

he nodded.

"definitely. don't wanna squander away this upcoming fortnight."

i raised an eyebrow.

"what's with the fancy words?"

he shrugged.

"i dunno, just felt like being fancy. haha, but fortnite-" he started flossing and... singing? some strange song. "hey! i think you're really cool! i like you a lot! maybe we can... hang out... or something..."

i snorted and covered my mouth.

"oh my god, what is happening over here?" i heard.

i turned to see suga and daichi approaching.

"don't look at me, i'm not entirely sure myself," i replied.

"uh, obviously i'm being a cool kid. what else?" nishinoya explained.

"ohh, right, of course. now that you say that, i'm not sure how we didn't see it earlier," daichi said.

"you are the coolest of kids, noya," suga added with a smile, ruffling his hair.

noya beamed back.

"thanks, mom!"

suga and daichi exchanged a Certain Look.

"no problem, kiddo. now gimme a hug."

noya hugged suga, then daichi.

"i'm gonna miss you guys," he said, getting serious again.

"oh no, don't say that, i'm gonna cry again," suga rushed out.

noya slapped a hand over his mouth.

"sorry."

"it's alright... i'll probably end up crying at some point anyway. i'm just trying not to think about it right now."

"me either," daichi added. "it's gonna be really different from now on."

"not you too, daichi!"

"sorry! i'm sorry!"

suga shook his head.

"no worries. and hey, we're going to the same university, so that won't be too bad."

"yep, and we won't be far from asahi."

"uhh, i'm not sure what your guys' definitely of 'not far' is, but it's like a two hour drive?" i interjected.

"shh! we could always be farther!"

suga placed a finger over my mouth.

i was slightly taken off guard by his actions, so i just nodded while daichi chuckled.

it was then that i noticed a dusting of pink on both their cheeks. i was confused. how long had that been there?

well... it was probably nothing. it was warm out here and these robes were stifling anyway, so... yeah.

"hey, daichi, suga, could i talk to you guys alone for a minute?" noya suddenly asked.

suga removed his hand, wiping it on daichi's shoulder.

"sure thing."

"alright, i'll just... go somewhere else then," i said, and found my way back to the rest of the team.

_**.nishinoya.** _

i watched asahi walk away for a moment, then turned back to daichi and suga.

"alright." i clapped my hands. "i'm not gonna beat around the bush here, i'll just ask you guys outright. i've been wondering this for a while, but do one or both of you have a crush on asahi?"

they both blushed and exchanged a Look.

"i... don't know what you-"

"listen... it's okay if you do. i mean, who wouldn't? look at the guy. i'd simp for days," i admitted.

"alright, it's true," daichi said. "we've all just known each other for so long, and... we felt this special connection, but then... things got complicated. suga and i started dating, then you came alone and he got a crush on you... plus, we're not sure how he feels about poly relationships, so... it might not have even been an option in the first place."

"what he said," suga added.

"makes sense. and honestly, i'm not sure how he feels about it either, it never really came up... but, if something were to happen... i give you my blessing. just take good care of him."

they frowned.

"noya, you don't have to-"

i waved my hand.

"i mean it. i just want you guys to be happy. him too. and... if that means i'm not in the picture... so be it."

suga hugged me.

"i'm proud of you. that's a really brave thing to do, and it took a lot of strength for you to admit that. but honestly? i'm not sure if anything ever _will_ happen. you're talking like you're already giving up, but... he still cares for you very deeply."

"oh... well... i still give you my blessing."

they both laughed.

"well, thanks," daichi said. "we should probably get back to everyone else, though."

suga and i nodded, and we all made our way back to the main group.


	41. an asadaisuga Reunion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't get mad but uh,,, this is a big time skip. also. asanoya is still endgame, i just,,, thought this would be cute so,,, again, don't get mad pls 🥺👉👈

_**.azumane.** _

i couldn't believe it was already summer break halfway through the first year of _college_.

people were right when they said it was harder than high school... but also more laid back than high school.

like, no one cared if you came to class in pajamas, but god forbid you miss one too many lectures, or your entire grade would be screwed.

thankfully, we were currently on break, and i was finally able to meet up with daichi and suga.

for some odd reason, suga had insisted on meeting in some national park. it was a wide, open field with a small sheltered area that had some picnic tables and a barbecue.

i didn't see anyone else there, so i pulled out my phone to text the others.

_asahi: suga be like "i know a place" and then takes us to some remote field to kill us_

i chuckled slightly at the meme usage. sure it was a little embarrassing, but i was kind of proud of it.

i was just slipping my phone back in my pocket, when i heard, "coming in! don't turn around!"

it sounded suspiciously like daichi, and i was curious and wanted to turn around, but i figured that might not be the best option. so i'd wait a second to see what was going on.

"wait, what do you mean when you say-"

i soon found out when i felt a heavy weight thump onto my back and arms wrap loosely around my neck, and i instinctively gripped daichi's thighs as he wrapped them around my waist for a piggy-back ride.

"hey! what's all this abo-"

i was interrupted by a grinning suga running towards me.

"i'm coming in too!"

"wait! i'm holding-"

he paid no heed to my warning and threw himself at me anyway, so i had to let go of daichi's legs to grab him.

i felt daichi adjust his grip slightly to cling on without the support of my hands.

i was holding suga sort of awkwardly, so i shifted him around a bit and scooped my hands under his legs to hold him bridal style.

"whee! this is fun! you're so strong," he laughed, also wrapping his arms around my neck.

i squinted, very confused and slightly irritated.

"why is this happening?"

suga just laughed again, resting his head softly against my chest, and daichi offered a, "why not?"

i shook my head.

"i guess."

i decided to not question it, and just take in everything right now and live in the moment. i had a feeling this would be a very treasured memory later in life.

i let a smile cross my face as i realized just how happy i was spending time with these two and their antics.

as i looked at suga in my arms, i realized... his smile is really attractive... and his hair looks so soft, and that mole under his eye is so cute, and it's adorable how caring he is, and-

wait, hold up, what am i thinking?!

it still wasn't _that_ long ago that i broke up with noya.

and besides, suga was taken.

by daichi.

who was also rather attractive... with his short, messy hair, and his confident personality, and general stability, and god, those thighs-

wait, stop the music! there i go again!

what are these intrusive thoughts? or are they as intrusive as i think?

ugh, wait, there i go overthinking again.

"aren't you happy to see us though, asahi?" suga asked, snapping me out of my thoughts.

"you guys could've knocked me over, and we all might've gotten hurt," i pointed out.

"well, like i said earlier, you're plenty strong. and look, neither of us got hurt!"

"yep! we had the utmost faith in your abilities even if you didn't," daichi added, moving his hand down to give my bicep a gentle squeeze as if to emphasize suga's point.

i blushed and let out a small sigh.

"you guys are lucky i love you."

i saw suga grinning at me, and i could guess daichi was wearing a similar expression.

"aw, asahi! we love you too!"

"that's right. and we missed you a lot. school just isn't the same without you."

"aw, you guys. i would hug you, but... my hands are kind of full." they chuckled, but i spoke again. "okay, but you guys are actually kind of heavy, can i put you down now?"

"oh, sure."

daichi slid off my back first, and i carefully placed suga on the ground, sighing once the weight was relieved.

"i thought you were supposed to be strong!" suga complained as we walked toward the shelter to sit at a picnic table.

"i am! it's just hard to carry two adult males at the same time! and not to be too critical of your guys' weight, but... you know what they say about the freshman fifteen..."

suga gasped and slapped my arm.

"asahi, that's mean!"

i laughed.

"i know, only joking."

he pouted.

"some joke that is. if anything, it's _you_ that gained weight!"

i was about to reply when daichi intervened.

"to be fair, weight isn't a set number all the time. it's always fluctuating depending on how many calories you've consumed that day, how many calories you've burned, and many other factors. so... yes, we've all gained weight but we've also all lost it. and besides that, muscle is heavier than fat anyway, so in certain cases you might be happy to have gained weight."

suga and i looked at him, slightly confused, and he just held up his hands, looking meek.

"what? i find nutritional stuff interesting."

"well anyway," suga interrupted. "so, asahi, you know how i've been wanting to learn french?"

"yes? or wait... i thought you wanted to learn english? or... spanish? or was it italian?"

"well, yes, those too, but i'm going for one language at a time so i don't get too mixed up. anyway, i found this cute, little cartoon called voltron on netflix, and it has so many language options! so i'm watching it in french with japanese subtitles for now, but maybe next time around i'll watch in spanish or even english! but, wow! it's done wonders for my listening comprehension skills! hearing how to sort of organically put together sentences to hear how native speakers talk, and being able to listen to how the words sound and get a feel for the accent... it's incredible!"

"yeah, that's really great, suga!"

"oh, it's such a good show as well though! i think my favorite characters are pidge and shiro, and not gonna lie, shiro's lowkey a dilf. like... technically he doesn't have kids, but the rest of the team members are kind of like his kids. and yeah, i'm a big simp for him."

i chuckled.

"so it's kind of like you with daichi then. like how back in high school the team considered him the team dad."

their faces turned red and they looked at each other.

"i mean... technically he's not wrong?" daichi offered.

suga shrugged.

"okay, you make a fair point. but anyways! pidge! bro, i love pidge, such a tiny, little baby, and so smart too. and anyway, it all starts when shiro, lance, keith, pidge, and hunk find out they have to pilot these robotic lions in order to save the world from the evil galra..."

as i listened to suga rattling on about voltron some more, and daichi occasionally responding, i couldn't help but smile.

i was just thinking about how much i wanted these two in my life for a long time to come.


	42. noya gives tanaka The S** Talk 😳 (gay edition)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two words: secondhand embarrassment.

_**.nishinoya.** _

i couldn't believe third year was halfway over already. i mean, i knew people always said it went by fast, but damn, the time had really flown.

now it was summer break, and ryū and i were hanging out at my house.he seemed stressed about something, so i took it upon myself to offer advice.

"there's something wrong," i said, interrupting him mid-sentence.

he abruptly cut himself off.

"what do you mean?"

i sat up in bed and looked at him where he was sitting on the floor.

"you're stressed about something, i can tell."

he groaned.

"damnit, why do you have to know me so well and be so perceptive of the slightest subtleties of my moods?"

"what else is a best friend for? duh. now spill it. what's bothering you?"

"so... ennoshita."

"oh no, are you guys having relationship issues? please don't tell me you're gonna break up, y'all are so cute together."

he shook his head.

"no, nothing like that."

"oh?"

i slid off the bed to sit cross-legged across from him.

"well, uh... the other day we were making out, or whatever..." he started blushing. "and um... he was wanting to take it a little further, and started talking about sex, and i kind of panicked. did uh... you and asahi ever... you know?"

i kind of wanted to laugh, but he looked so distressed i felt bad. i wouldn't let him go without at least a little teasing though.

"wouldn't you like to know?" i asked in a sing-song voice.

he blushed and hid his face in his hands for a moment.

"please, i just need some advice here."

"first of all... i'm shocked and offended that you would imply that i had premarital sex! that's a sin! then again, technically being gay is supposed to be a sin, so i guess it cancels out? also, asahi is like jesus, so... it's impossible to sin in his presence or something."

"wait, now i'm really confused... also i feel kind of awkward here but you're my best friend so i feel comfortable... ish... talking about this with you, and also you're gay which... gives a better standpoint for advice."

"first of all- i'm bi. second- aww, wait that's so sweet, i trust you too. and to answer your previous question... yes, we had sex. multiple times. sometimes, i couldn't even walk afterwards!"

he cringed.

"why do you sound so happy about that?"

"bro... think about the implications. and this is _asahi_ we're talking about, so when he actually got the confidence and initiative to blow out my back like that... _goddamn_ , it was hot."

"okay, i didn't really need to know that," he muttered.

i shrugged.

"hey, you asked."

"i guess you're right... so... sorry if i overstep any boundaries, but... you were a bottom then?"

i snorted.

"no worries, no boundaries overstepped. and... well, that's complicated. actually, the first time we actually had sex, i asked to top, because... okay, this is kind of embarrassing, but i was scared he would hurt me, cuz his... you know... was so big." i hid my face in my hands, feeling impossibly red.

"oh! i always knew he was packing, thanks for confirming that."

i pulled a 'bitch, the fuck?!' face at him.

"why were you thinking about my boyfriend's dick?!"

"okay, to be fair- you can't _not_ at least wonder a little bit! i mean, the rest of him is so big, so..."

"i _guess_. anyway... i topped a couple times, but mainly i was a bottom, yeah. usually i was a power bottom, but sometimes when he was extra dom, i went full pillow princess, like- _fuck_ , bro, i just-" i cut myself off and shook my head. "okay, those details aren't important. ask any more questions you have."

"okay, so... in general, any advice for my first time?

"well that depends. going back to that idea of positions, do you think you're a top or bottom?"

"uh... i don't know?"

i thought about it for a moment.

"well, given your inexperience with gay stuff- that would indicate chikara to take the lead and top you. then again, given your heterosexual background, he might want to let you top to simulate a more 'straight' experience, while he could still guide you somewhat as a power bottom."

"um, dude... you remember i'm a virgin anyway though?"

my eyes widened.

"oh shit, that's right. i lowkey forgot for a sec."

"what that not everyone got their virginity taken by jesus? that's embarrassing."

"hey, that's okay, bro, everyone has their own pace. and at the end of the day, you don't have to do anything you're not ready for. and plus- you don't have to go immediately for full on intercourse. asahi and i started with like, hand jobs and stuff before working our way up to sex."

he cringed.

"god, this is so fucking awkward to talk about, but... thanks for the advice?"

i shot him a thumbs up and a wink.

"what did you expect?! i'm practically a pro at this. but yeah, no problem."

"ugh, okay, but yeah. i guess i should talk to chikara more about this stuff. it'll probably help me figure more out than talking to you, no matter how... enlightening this experience was."

"you're right, talking to him about it would probably be best. but i'm sure my advice will still be helpful anyway."

"yeah, i'm sure it will."

"wait, i've just had a great idea!"

"oh god. what is it?"

"so you know how when you first started figuring stuff out last year, and we kissed to help you figure things out? what if we did that again, but instead of kissing-"

his face was bright red.

"i'm _not_ having sex with you!"

i pouted.

"don't you think i'm hot?"

"of course, dude! you're so sexy, but that would just be a little weird. there are some lines you don't cross, you know? oh, and also i have a boyfriend, so that would kind of be cheating. _aaand_ i would rather my first time be with him, not you."

i nodded, rubbing my chin thoughtfully.

"you make a lot of very good points there. i guess i accept your answer, and i'll just have to find someone else to sleep with!"

he raised an eyebrow.

"are you sure you wanna be doing that? i mean... are you even totally over asahi yet?"

i waved my hand.

"not important. i just-"

"bro, listen. i don't want you sleeping with some random person just because you're lonely. i don't want you doing anything you'll regret later. i know you still miss him, but sleeping with random people isn't the magic key to getting over him."

i sighed, a little surprised at how this conversation had become. i was only joking. well... mostly.

"yeah, you're right. thank you."

he nodded.

"no problem. now... hug time?"

"hug time," i agreed.

we leaned forward to hug each other, and it was a little awkward since we were both sitting cross-legged, but hey, any hug with a friend is a good hug.


	43. asahi's delivery service

_**.azumane.** _

several hours later, daichi, suga, and i had gotten some take out and gone back to their apartment.

"i can't believe you guys are allowed to live off campus during first year. at my school it's required to live in dorms for first years."

"you should've come to college with us then," daichi replied.

"ooh, you sound like ushiwaka," suga said through a mouthful of food, before putting on a serious face and deep tone. "you should've come to shiratorizawa."

daichi and i laughed.

"that's our daichi. doing unintentional impressions since high school."

suga sighed and rested his cheek on his hand.

"i hope all the kids are doing okay. especially the new first years."

"i'm sure they'll be fine without us, suga," daichi assured him.

"what if they're not?!"

"suga," i interjected. "they're fine. do you want to call them or something just to make sure?"

he frowned a bit, looking contemplative.

"well... we don't need to call them, but... i wanna text ennoshita to see if everything's going alright."

he pulled out his phone, tapped around on the screen for a bit, then set his phone back down.

"better now?" daichi asked.

he nodded.

"a little. i do miss them though."

daichi and i nodded.

"yeah... but we couldn't very well stay back in high school for another year."

"if we got worse grades, we could've!"

i laughed.

"i don't think you would've wanted that."

he groaned.

"i guess not."

once we had all finished eating, i offered to take all the dishes and trash to the kitchen.

"yeah, that would be a big help."

"thanks, asahi!"

i took everything to the kitchen and cleaned it all up.

when i went to return to the living room, i paused in the doorway.

i saw suga whispering in daichi's ear with a giggle, and daichi's face turned red, but he smiled, and whispered back.

then they kissed, which caused a weird, melancholy ache in my stomach.

probably something to do with my newfound attraction for both of them, but... i would prefer not to think about that at the moment.

i waited a few seconds so it wouldn't seem weird, before walking back into the room.

"we should watch a movie!" suga exclaimed, patting the seat next to him on the couch.

i sat where he indicated.

"sure, what should we watch?"

"what do you want to watch?" asked daichi.

i shrugged.

"i don't have any strong opinions."

"you _never_ have strong opinions," suga whined, poking my arm.

"well, sorry! i just don't have any particular leanings in this subject at the moment."

"how about we watch kiki's delivery service?" daichi suggested.

"ooh, i love that one!" suga exclaimed, clinging onto his arm. "and kiki reminds me of you, asahi."

daichi laughed and i hummed slightly in annoyance, but i was used to his antics.

"if you wanna watch the movie, you're gonna have to let go of my arm so i can get the dvd."

he sighed and pouted.

"fine, fine, if you insist."

as soon as daichi got off the couch, suga switched to holding onto my arm and resting his head on my shoulder.

i tended up slightly, but then relaxed, trying to stay as still as possible so i wouldn't accidentally disturb him.

"it's been forever since i've watched this movie, i almost can't remember the plot."

"then why would you say kiki reminds you of me?"

i felt him shrug slightly.

"i just remember that at one point she loses her self confidence and that reminds me of you."

i rolled my eyes.

"thanks."

he snuggled further into my side, patting my elbow.

"you're welcome."

daichi joined us again on the couch once the movie had started playing, but i noticed suga didn't move back to cuddle him, instead just extending one arm to hold his hand.

i found it a little strange, but i brushed it off. i figured he had probably just made himself comfortable with me and didn't feel like moving again.

///

after the movie, i was rather sleepy, and i wasn't entirely sure if suga was still awake.

my question was soon answered when daichi nudged him.

"babe, wake up," he said quietly.

"'m not asleep," suga mumbled, his eyes still closed and his head on my shoulder.

i laughed softly.

"are you sure about that?" i teased.

"i'm awake, i'm awake!"

he sounded slightly more alert, and i was pretty sure his eyes were open now, but he didn't move from cuddling me.

"are you sure you're awake though?" daichi asked with a grin.

"if i was asleep, could i do _this_?"

he finally lifted his head, and leaned forward to kiss daichi, who laughed.

"i guess not."

"oh, i'm far from done! if i was asleep, could i do _this_?!"

he then started leaning my way, causing my eyes to widen.

however, instead of kissing my lips like he had with daichi, he planted a kiss on my cheek.

i laughed, trying to disguise how fast my heart was beating and how warm my face felt.

"you're weird."

"you can say that again."

i smiled.

"you're weird."

he rolled his eyes, then turned to whisper something to daichi.

despite how close i was, it was faint enough that i couldn't quite catch what it was, but daichi nodded, suddenly looking a little nervous.

"can i let you in on a secret, asahi?" suga asked, turning back to me.

i grew a little nervous as well. what would it be? but i agreed.

"sure."

"you see... me and daichi are dating, right?"

"yes...?"

where was he going with this?

"and usually people only have feelings for one person at a time, but... well... we really like each other, but the both of us also really like you."

oh. _oh._

as i processed with words, i felt my heart beating faster in my chest, and my stomach churned a bit.

"asahi?"

i blinked, realizing i had probably been quiet for a while.

"sorry, i... is this a prank?"

they both shook their heads, looking dead serious.

"not a prank."

"we both really like you."

"oh... i... i'm honestly still a little confused... i think i might like you guys too, though..."

suga's face lit up, and daichi looked pleasantly surprised.

"really?"

i nodded slowly, and he spoke again.

"is it alright if i kiss you?"

i allowed myself to panic for three seconds before responding.

"that'd be okay."

he cheered slightly, then leaned in, just like before, but this time kissed my lips instead of my cheek.

it was short and sweet, but it still left me blushing.

"i feel a little left out over here," daichi teased.

"you can kiss me too," i said with sudden confidence.

he smirked before leaning past suga to kiss me as well.

i felt my face grow even hotter by the time he pulled away, slightly overwhelmed by the newness of all this, and how quickly everything was happening.

"i'm tired," suga complained after a moment, putting his head back on my shoulder. "can you carry me back to bed?"

"who, me?" i asked.

"duh, you."

"alright, sure."

as we all got up, daichi spoke.

"it's hard to resist his cute face, huh?"

i smiled.

"yeah, it is."

that night, when we went to sleep, there was no need for them to get out the extra futon.

it was a little crowded all in one bed, but i felt strangely happy this way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i promise this isn't turning into asadaisuga (too much) this is just part of a later plot arc 🥺👉👈


	44. the Apple Juice on the Table

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so... basically from here on out the timeline is gonna be moving pretty quick and imma be jumping around a lot, so don't mind that, i just didn't wanna have a hundred chapters of filler for all of college when i don't have that much planned out for this time

_**.nishinoya.** _

my first year of college, halfway over already. it was summer once again, and i had a plan.

asahi and i had been texting a bit more recently, and we had arranged for me to stay the weekend with him. now that he was a second year, he had an apartment off campus, and luckily his roommates were out on some camping trip, so it would just be the two of us.

as i approached the door, i was nervous, which was rather uncharacteristic for me. i checked his text one more time to make sure i had the right apartment, then knocked.

i stuck my hands in my pockets and tried to appear as casual as possible while i waited, although i might've jumped a bit when the door finally opened.

i'm not sure why i was so on edge- maybe it's just because we haven't seen each other in person for so long, and what if things are too different now?

"noya, hey! you made it safely, come on in."

he stepped aside to let me in, and my brain tried to process all the new things it was experiencing.

first of all- asahi had his hair down, and he didn't wear it down much in high school. he was also wearing glasses. when did he get glasses?

and the smell in the apartment. it wasn't overwhelmingly familiar, and it was obvious that other people lived here, but there was still an underlying hint of asahi's smell.

i took about five seconds to take in all of this information while i took off my shoes in the entryway.

"so, how was the journey here? everything go smoothly?"

"yep, everything was great! i'm here safe and sound, and in one piece!"

he chuckled.

"that's a first."

"pfft, what?! what are you talking about?"

" _please_ , there was never a time in high school when i didn't see you with at least one bruise. i wouldn't be surprised if you had some now, you're like a piece of fruit!"

"i'm not like a piece of-! wait a minute..." my gaze drifted to a fresh bruise on my arm, and i quickly covered it with my hand. "okay, so you may be right, but that doesn't mean you're right!"

he laughed.

"that doesn't make any kind of sense."

"do i ever make sense?"

he shrugged.

"there are rare occasions."

"well... thanks?"

"you sound unsure."

"i'm just not entirely sure if that was a compliment or an insult."

"it was a compliment. do you want anything to drink?"

i sat at the table while he went to the fridge.

"yes, please! do you have any apple juice?"

"apple juice?" he chuckled.

"what? i gotta keep up my vitamin c intake so i can keep my immune system strong!"

"well, honestly, orange juice would be best for that, but i know you don't like orange juice that much, so i'll get you some apple juice instead."

he remembered my dislike of orange juice?

wait, dummy, don't get your hopes up, of course he remembered.

but then again... it was such an offhand thing i mentioned maybe once... and he remembered.

"here you go."

he set a glass of apple juice in front of me, with just some water for himself.

"thanks."

"hey, are you alright? you seem a bit spaced out."

"huh? oh, yeah, it's really hot outside, i'm probably just a little dehydrated."

i drank some juice to prove my point.

he nodded.

"makes sense. it gets so hot in the summer, especially in the city with all the concrete."

"well luckily i don't have to deal with that, because i'm a country boy!"

i struck a pose and asahi snorted.

"oh my god, yuu, you're too much sometimes."

i pointed finger guns at him, trying to ignore my racing heart from him calling me by my first name after such a long time.

"in the best way possible though."

he smiled softly.

"yes, yes, of course."

"oh, hey, i meant to ask earlier, but what's with the glasses?"

"oh these? they're just reading glasses, but i forgot to take them off earlier. although with the way my eyesight seems to be going, i might need glasses all the time soon."

"that's rough, buddy. but you could be twins with tsukki!"

"yeah, i guess so."

we continued our casual conversation, and i was glad everything felt so natural.

i was worried that things would be stiff and awkward, but seeing each other again was like falling back into a pattern that we both knew well.

like doing a dance we knew by heart, and even when we stumbled a bit, the muscle memory kicked in and we recovered.

i smiled. i'm not sure what i was so worried about earlier.

///

a while later we were just sitting on the couch watching some show, and the heat was getting to me, and apparently asahi.

"it really is hot outside, huh?" he asked, fanning his face slightly.

"yeah. it's making me kinda sleepy."

"me too."

"i wonder if having the window open is making it hotter?"

he glanced over at the window.

"probably. i'll close it and get the fan."

"you had a fan this whole time?!"

"well... technically it's my roommate's, but since she's gone right now, i don't think she'd mind."

he got up, closed the window, and disappeared down a small hallway for a minute before coming back with a fan.

he plugged it in, and before long, the glorious, cool air was blowing upon us.

"now that's more like it," i sighed, relaxing back on the couch. "so what are your roommates like?"

"there's kobayashi emiko, she's the one i borrowed the fan from. she's really positive and energetic like you, and she's studying ecology. she's really passionate about the environment, and protecting people's rights, and always complains about wanting a girlfriend. then there's watanabe masumi, who's nonbinary. they're also an enthusiastic activist, but definitely more calm than emiko. they're studying law, and they also complain about wanting a girlfriend, but not as often as emiko."

"ooh, interesting. so do they know you're gay yet?"

he laughed.

"ohh yeah, i may or may not have accidentally blurted it out after like, a week of living here when we all watched love, victor together."

i snorted.

"that's amazing, oh my god."

"yeah, it was kind of embarrassing, but at least they accepted me, which is good."

"yep."

"so how've you been doing? anything interesting happen recently?"

"ooh, well this wasn't recent, but last summer i gave ryū the sex talk!"

he made a slight choking sound.

"what?! why?!"

"well, you see, he and chikara... chikara wanted to have... fun time, but since ryū's never been with a guy before, he was kind of nervous."

"at least you're a good friend? but since when have him and ennoshita been together?"

"are you serious?! since like... the end of our second year?!"

"wait, you're joking, right?"

i laughed incredulously.

"no! you seriously didn't know?!"

he shook his head.

"honest to god, i had no clue."

"well you should be honest to your father."

"what- i'm not jesus!"

i laughed.

"yeah, sure, i'll buy that when you can provide substantial proof."

he rolled his eyes and twirled a strand of hair between his fingers.

"maybe i should cut my hair, then you can't say i look like jesus anymore."

"no, you can't!"

i lunged at him, grabbing his hair slightly away from him, before realizing i was kind of sitting on his lap.

we both blushed.

i knew i probably shouldn't, but it was like all my self control had disappeared being this close to him, so i leaned in and kissed him.

suddenly, the spell was broken, and i quickly scrambled away.

"i'm so sorry, i didn't mean to do that! i'll see myself out, nice visit, bye!"

i was a little disappointed when he didn't stop me from leaving, but why should i be? he's probably moved on already, while i'm still a sad loser that's still clinging onto my feelings for him.

once i got my shoes on, i couldn't get out of there fast enough.

**_.azumane._ **

i barely registered nishinoya saying he was going to leave- i was too surprised.

i gently touched my lips as i heard the door slam shut, and felt faintly disappointed that he had left.

honestly, i had recently been really confused about all my feelings.

i didn't think i still had feelings for noya, but now?

and with suga and daichi... we had recently broken up. can you even call it breaking up if we had never dated? or _were_ we dating?

it was hard to tell, since we had never really made anything 'official.' it was more of a casual fling.

i wasn't too upset over that though, because while i was attracted to them, i think i really just love them more as my friends. but i did miss being in a relationship.

maybe that's why i didn't mind so much that noya had kissed me.

or maybe...?

no. i'm too tired to go there right now. i would rather just pretend like nothing happened, and try to go back to how things were Before.

but that was a little difficult when everything reminded me of him, starting with the empty cup on the table that had held apple juice not long ago.


	45. noya becomes a Prostitute

_**.tanaka.** _

chikara and i were cuddling and making casual conversation with some random show on in the background, but i was finding it a little hard to focus.

i knew from talking with noya earlier that he was going to visit asahi for the weekend, and he was rather nervous about it.

and actually, since chikara and i were in tokyo, he wouldn't be too far, and promised to visit if he had time.

i just hoped he wouldn't do anything impulsive, since i'm not entirely sure if he's over asahi yet.

chikara suddenly squirmed around in my arms a bit to turn and face me, and kissed the corner of my mouth.

"you alright, babe?"

i nodded absently.

"just a little worried about noya. he's going to see asahi, and not that i don't trust him, but... i'm just really hoping he doesn't make any unwise decisions."

"you think he's still not over asahi?"

"i don't know... i mean, it's been a year and a half, so you'd think so, but noya feels so deeply and intensely about everything... he pours his entire being into relationships, and i just don't want him getting hurt."

"yeah, makes sense. but just remember, we're only a twenty minute train ride away, so if he _does_ end up doing something stupid, he can always come see us."

"yeah, i guess you're right."

he smirked and kissed me.

"when am i not?"

i smiled endearingly.

"yeah, i know, you're always right."

i leaned in as if to kiss him again, but at the last second began tickling him instead.

he shrieked and burst out into laughter, trying to push me away.

"ahaha, stop it! haha- ryū!"

i couldn't contain my own glee as i continued tickling him.

eventually, he managed to push me off, but he shoved a little too hard, and we both ended up on the floor, with him lying on top of me.

he propped himself up with his arms, and looked at me thoughtfully.

"now _this_ position i don't mind at all. and i know you don't either."

i blushed and rolled my eyes.

he sighed happily and softly lowered himself back down, nestling his head in the crook of my neck.

i shivered a little at his warm breath on my skin, and put my hands on his back, slowly rubbing up and down.

"that's nice. like a little massage," he mumbled.

i hummed.

"yeah."

after a few quiet moments, the only sound being our breathing, he spoke again.

"i love you."

i smiled, a warm feeling in my chest.

"i love you too."

"do you think you ever wanna get married?"

my heart skipped a beat.

"to you, or just in general?"

"either one."

"in general... i don't know. maybe. to you? well... i'd say yes."

"i think i might like to marry you too."

"no kids though."

"ugh, definitely no kids. i'm fine with kids as long as they're not mine. i wouldn't want to have kids of my own though, that's way too much work. a dog, on the other hand..."

"hell yeah, dogs are awesome. but a cat could be nice too."

"maybe a dog _and_ a cat?"

"maybe. as long as they didn't fight or anything."

"i think... or i'd hope they'd stay out of each other's way, mostly."

"yeah, hopefully."

"when we get older, do you think you'll wanna stay in the city, or move back to the country?"

"i'm not sure, i think it really depends. in the city there are a lot more job options and a shorter commute, but i do like the peace and idyllic scenery of the country."

"who taught you such a big word?"

"what, idyllic? that was probably you."

he considered this for a moment.

"yeah, probably. but if we were to stay here, then you'd become one of the infamous 'shitty boys.'"

he laughed, and i just couldn't bring myself to be annoyed.

"yeah, yeah, i'd be a shitty boy. but maybe that's not so bad. i don't know. when it comes down to it though, i'd definitely like to retire to the country at least."

"yeah, that sounds nice. being an old person in a city sounds scary."

"mhm." i paused. "why are we still on the floor?"

"because we haven't gotten up yet."

"you mean _you_ haven't gotten up."

"what can i say? you're comfy. good to lie down on."

"this floor isn't very comfy though."

"ugh, i guess i can get up then."

he got up and settled back on the couch, and i got up preparing to do the same.

however, before i could sit back down, there was a knock at the door.

i Looked at chikara curiously, and he Looked back at me, before i went to see who it was.

when i saw noya standing there, i wasn't sure to be surprised, disappointed, understanding, confused, or what.

i let him in.

"so, did something happen when you went to see asahi?" i asked, leading him back to the living room.

he was rather quiet for a while until we all got situated.

he took an armchair across the from the couch, and i sat on the couch with chikara settling between my legs, with my arms wrapped around his stomach.

"i fucked up," he said, covering his face and resting his head on his knees.

"you're gonna have to be more specific," i replied.

"fuck! i kissed asahi!"

"damnit, noya," chikara muttered.

"okay, let's back up a second," i suggested. "what exactly lead to this event?"

"so for whatever reason, i was super nervous when i got there. i was worried things would be different, i guess? and it was a tiny bit awkward at first, but then it was just like old times, chatting away. _then_ i was an idiot and accidentally kissed him and ran away and now i'm here."

"okay, but what specifically lead you to kiss him?"

"so i was joking about him being jesus- you know, the usual- and he said he should cut his hair and maybe we would stop calling him that. but y'all know i love his hair, and even though i knew deep down it was a joke, i flipped out a little, like, 'NOOO!' and leaped over to protect his hair from himself and the terrible scissors... and then i kind of lost my self control and kissed him cuz i was kind of sitting in his lap a bit, then i freaked out again, and just ran right out of there. so yeah, i've realized i'm kind of still whipped, so in order to get over these feelings, i've decided to become a prostitute."

i could tell that chikara was laughing a bit, but with noya, you could never tell if something like that was a joke.

"bro, i know you're upset, but becoming a prostitute is not the way to go."

chikara giggled some more, covering his mouth to try to hide it.

noya spared him a quick glance before looking back at me.

"well... maybe i won't become a prostitute. but you can't stop me from going to a party to find someone to hook up with!"

i sighed.

"you're right, i can't stop you. but i can advise you that that might not be the best idea. i know you want to get over him, but it's important to think very carefully about this. and maybe wait til second year to start slutting around? i mean, it's important to focus on work this year, but next year should be a bit more laid back."

"ughh, i guess you're right. and there's only half the year left now. but... ultimately it's my choice when and with whom i slut around!"

"damn, i'm surprised at your proper grammar in that sentence," chikara said.

"wha-? don't seem so surprised! i'm not _that_ stupid!" then under his breath, he added, "but i am glad i actually used that correctly."

chikara laughed a bit more.

"i knew it."

"aw man, you're mean."

"only because i love you."

i gasped.

"babe, have you been cheating on me with noya?!"

his hand came back to lightly tap my face.

"shut up, you know what i meant."

i grinned and kissed the back of his neck.

"you're right. i love you."

"i love you too."

i heard a gagging noise, and looked over to see noya miming getting sick.

"y'all are so sickly sweet in love, it makes my stomach hurt just being around it."

"it's okay, you'll find your person someday," chikara reassured.

noya frowned.

"yeah... i thought i already had, but... that didn't end too well."

chikara made a small noise of sympathy.

"hey, think of it this way," i spoke up. "most people that get married to their high school sweethearts with probably end up divorced anyway! and now there's so many other people that you can meet and potentially fall in love with that aren't asahi."

"i guess you're right," he replied.

chikara turned his head to look back at me.

"what was that about marrying your high school sweetheart then getting divorced?"

my eyes widened and i smiled nervously.

"oh, haha... i wasn't talking about us. but uh... we can talk about that later."

he squinted his eyes and scrunched his mouth to the side.

"i guess."

i turned back to noya.

"so, noya, i'm assuming you're gonna be staying with us this weekend given... the asahi mishap?"

"yeah, if you'll let me stay."

"of course, bro! we have a spare room anyway, down that hall, first door on the left. the bathroom is right across from it."

i pointed down the hall and he nodded.

"alright. i'll get settled in then, and give you two some alone time."

he wiggled his eyebrows, and got up, disappearing into the spare room.

"no sleeping with anyone while you're here though, got it?!" i yelled as the door closed.

he popped his head out again.

"got it, but i expect the same from you! i don't wanna be up half the night hearing you get fucked by chikara!"

i blushed.

"shut the fuck up!"

he laughed.

"you didn't deny it though!"

"listen here, you little-!"

he had already closed the door.

chikara leaned back against my chest, and kissed my neck.

"it's alright, babe, you make a good top and a good bottom. besides, bottoming is nothing to be ashamed of."

"yeah, yeah, now let's stop talking about this."

he breathed heavily out of his nose with a smile.

"alright. we can talk about it more when he leaves though. or maybe there won't be much talking."

he wiggled his eyebrows.

i blushed.

"i wouldn't object to that."

he draped his arms around my shoulders.

"i know, babe. i know that _very_ well."

i decided to put an end to my embarrassment my changing the subject.

"so, noya's gonna be a prostitute, huh?"

"i don't think he'll do that. he'll probably definitely sleep around a bit, but he won't actually _sell_ his body for sex."

"yeah, you're right. but... 'probably definitely'? what does that mean?"

he shrugged.

"i don't know. i guess, like... i'm sure he'll slut around, but there's still a margin of error if he doesn't."

"makes sense."

"mhm."

"i do hope he'll be alright in the end though."

"yeah, me too. but he's strong, i'm sure he'll let through this."

"yeah."

"i love you."

"i love you too."


	46. long distance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i'm gonna do something a bit different for this chapter. it won't have a pov, but it'll rather be sections of text conversations. i'll give approximate times each convo takes place beforehand.

**a _couple days after The Kiss Incident:_**

_**asahi:** hey,,, we don't have to talk about what happened if you don't want to, but i want you to know that i'm not mad or anything._

_**noya:** i'm sorry, i just don't want to talk about this right now. i'm not even sure if i want to talk to you at all for a little while. i'm sorry. goodbye_

_**asahi:** oh... that's alright. you can take all the time you need. goodbye for now yuu_

///

**_a Few Days Later:_ **

_**asahi:** hey, just thought i'd check in and see how you're doing_

_**noya:** look, i'm sorry if i wasn't clear enough, but,,, when i said i didn't want to talk to you now, i meant completely. even checking in. i'll be fine. and,,, i don't think this is something that'll just get resolved in a couple days. i know it's tough, but we need a break for a long time. maybe even a year or more._

_**asahi:** ah, i see. in that case... i'm sorry you feel that way. i'll miss talking to you, but i'll get by. goodbye yuu._

_**noya:** bye_

///

**_this one's a Big Skip, when noya said a year or more, he Meant It. this takes place around the beginning of noya's 3rd year, and asahi's 4th. (for reference, the Kiss Incident was summer of noya's 1st year):_ **

_**noya:** ASAHI LOOK AT THIS CUTE DOG I JUST SAW!!_

[dog](https://images.app.goo.gl/HV9eiakCqzdKJ36z8)

[hearts cat](https://images.app.goo.gl/8cRxVrZFhuk2k5y96)

**_asahi:_ **

[surprised sunglasses ](https://pin.it/YuyRgEW)

_**noya:** a very good boi!! (or girl)_

_**asahi:** are you serious right now?_

_**noya:** yeah?? all dogs are Very Good and Important_

_**asahi:** i mean,,, we haven't talked for like two years,,, and this is how you come back?_

_**noya:** i mean yeah i guess_

_**noya:** i couldve facetimed you (because dogs are important enough to warrant a facetime) but i texted instead so here we are_

**_asahi:_ **

[sad cowboy](https://images.app.goo.gl/2HUhJhPo9ojVke7c8)

[disappointed clown](https://images.app.goo.gl/NmPCt9ihMCUcHbgB9)

_**noya:** whats with the sad cowboy?? disappointed clown??_

_**asahi:** that's about how i'm feeling right now_

_**noya:** why?_

_**asahi:** why?!!_

_**asahi:** because i've just about completely gotten used to you not being there, and now you're suddenly back?! and so casually?! i'm very??? confused??_

_**noya:** i mean,,, i guess i just missed you_

_**asahi:** oh_

_**noya:** ..._

_**noya:** is that all? just oh?_

_**asahi:** i mean,,, what do you want me to say?_

_**noya:** i guess i was kind of hoping that you missed me too..._

_**asahi:** i mean,,, i did_

_**asahi:** i do??_

_**asahi:** i don't know, it's weird_

_**asahi:** you kiss me then run out and say you need space, make absolutely no attempt to contact me, even when i /know/ you're in tokyo w/ tanaka and ennoshita, and all of a sudden you're all casually texting me about a dog????_

_**noya:** oh yeah i guess i did do that_

_**noya:** sorry_

_**noya:** i just,,, i wasn't entirely sure how to go about restarting talking to you again, and i really missed you, so i just,,, d o g_

_**asahi:** well that's very in character for you_

_**noya:** so,,,_

_**asahi:** so?_

_**noya:** ,,,can we be friends again? 🥺👉👈_

_**asahi:** i guess i don't see why not_

_**noya:** hurray!! 🤩🥳🥰_

_**asahi:** 😗✌️_

_**noya:** so anyway, i've started talking to my counselor about my study abroad plans for next year_

_**asahi:** that's right! how's that going?_

_**noya:** it's good!! she confirmed that i'll be able to go abroad to italy, and i'm very excited 🥳 🇫🇷_

_**asahi:** noya that's the french flag_

_**noya:** fuck_

_**noya:** gimme a sec_

_**noya:** 🇮🇹_

_**noya:** that's the right one, right??_

_**asahi:** yep, you got it 👍_

_**noya:** woo! second time's the charm!!_

_**noya:** so, anything interesting happening for you?_

_**asahi:** actually yeah! i'm having,,, not exactly a full fashion show, but a small exhibition for some of my designs, which is really big for a student!!_

_**asahi:** i'm also very nervous tho 😳✌️_

_**noya:** whoa, that's so cool!!! when is it??_

_**asahi:** it's may 1st, so that's,,, uh,,,_

_**asahi:** exactly two weeks from today_

_**noya:** nice, i'll definitely be there_

_**noya:** if that's cool_

_**asahi:** ?!_

_**asahi:** i guess?? how are you planning to get here?_

_**noya:** train_

_**asahi:** isn't that smth like 2h 45m trip?_

_**noya:** closer to 3h 45m but yeah_

_**noya:** it's worth it, cuz i can see you and all the cool stuff you're doing!! plus i can visit ryū and chikara while i'm in the city_

_**noya:** also, we have the monday after that as a holiday i'm pretty sure, so why not? ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯_

_**asahi:** i mean? i guess???_

_**noya:** cool, it's settled then!!_

_**noya:** is it gonna be a fancy event?? where will it even be? what specific times does it take place??_

_**asahi:** just a sec_

_**asahi:** so 1) yes, not overly formal but not casual either, so like,,, button up shirt and nice pants, but u don't need a tie or anything_

_**asahi:** 2) it's at a school owned venue on campus, but don't worry, if ur going with me i'll make sure u find it_

_**asahi:** 3) specific time is 1-3pm_

_**noya:** 1) ok 2) 🥺 3) that's a long time!! how many designs do u have??_

_**asahi:** well, it's not just my designs, there were several other students chosen as well_

_**noya:** ohhhh that makes sense_

_**asahi:** yep_

_**asahi:** and what's also exciting, there are gonna be some scouts for prestigious design companies there, and if they see something they like it's possible i could get an internship!!_

_**noya:** whoaaa that's amazing!!!!_

_**asahi:** right?! and if all goes well with that, there's a strong possibility i could get a job with that company in the future!_

_**noya:** :o_

_**noya:** that's great!!_

_**asahi:** yep :)_

_**asahi:** but anyways, i gotta finish up some other homework_

_**asahi:** recently i've been so focused on my designs for the exhibition that i've sorta neglected my other work 😅_

_**noya:** ok! you should definitely get ur other work done 👍_

_**noya:** i'll just leave some memes for when you get back_

_**asahi:** i look forward to that 😂_

///

**_a week before The Exhibition (mainly just an example of what a normal convo might look like):_ **

_**noya:** it's hard to explain but_

_**noya:** this is how i'm feeling right now_

**_noya:_ **

[bald shiro](https://images.app.goo.gl/EUfxFDfewsFkDmBD9)

_**asahi:** is that-_

_**asahi:** is that b_

_**asahi:** bald shiro?_

**_noya:_ **

_[suggestive cowboy](https://pin.it/2EJoQXp) _

**_asahi:_ **

[it was time for thomas to leave](https://images.app.goo.gl/QtuVJJdzJu4x1qDVA)

**_noya:_ **

[we irritatin'](https://images.app.goo.gl/hALRJotG2XRFT2PL6)

**_asahi:_ **

[i pretend i do not see it](https://images.app.goo.gl/Tv9r4Vc2eL8ZzErJ9)

_**noya:** why are you so mean? :((_

_**asahi:** do you want an honest answer?_

_**noya:** :((((_

_**asahi:** 🤡_

_**asahi:** so why do you feel like bald shiro?_

_**noya:** i said it was hard to explain,,,_

_**noya:** but if i could explain,,, it's just,,,,_

_**noya:** it resonates in my soul 😏😌_

_**asahi:** it-_

_**asahi:** ok, i guess that makes sense_

_**noya:** ohhh!!!_

_**noya:** i'm really excited for the exhibition next weekend!!!_

_**asahi:** me too, but i'm also so nervous 😅_

_**noya:** you'll do great, i know it!!! could i possibly see some of your designs? 🥺👉👈_

_**asahi:** unfortunately i'm keeping the exhibition designs a secret for now 😉 don't want anyone stealing my ideas 😳_

_**asahi:** but it's only another week, i'm sure you'll survive :)_

_**noya:** that's a whole seven days tho 😫_

_**asahi:** you say a whole seven days, but think! it's ONLY seven days!!_

_**asahi:** thats only 168 hours!!_

_**noya:** did you just-_

_**noya:** do you just know that??_

_**asahi:** lmao no, i has to use a calculator for that😂🤡_

_**noya:** makes sense_

_**noya:** wait,,, if both of us are so bad at math,, how do we survive the real world??_

_**asahi:** i'm not THAT bad at math, i CAN do it, it's just easier with a calculator and cheat sheets_

_**noya:** ugh math is gross_

_**noya:** whenever i complain to the others tho, kazuhito's always like "sToP aTtAcKinG maTH, iT's bEautiFuL aNd iT's nOT hUrTiNg yOu 😭😭" and i'm like "ight bet"_

_**noya:** because it's hurting my brain, and my bald shiro soul 😫😫_

_**asahi:** oh no, i don't want bald shiro getting hurt 😟😔_

_**noya:** you're more concerned about shiro (a fictional character) than me????!!!_

_**noya:** i'm even more hurt now 😔_

_**asahi:** what can i say? ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ i'm a simp for shiro_

_**asahi:** must just be something about guys with dark hair but a dyed light patch in the front 😳_

_**noya:** :o_

_**noya:** my little blond bit is actually red rn_

_**noya:** well,,, it was red, now it's more pink-ish_

_**noya:** i might dye back over it before next weekend_

_**noya:** do you think i should go blond again or back to natural brown?_

_**asahi:** whatever you want to do_

_**asahi:** but i do like the blond (☞ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)☞_

_**noya:** (;'༎ຶٹ༎ຶ')_

_**noya:** blond it is then 🤪🤪_

_**noya:** anyway, i gotta go get some bleach now, byyyeee_

_**noya:** or should i say 'bi' haha_

[suggestive cowboy](https://pin.it/1Z8KJTs)

[the more you know](https://images.app.goo.gl/RebmfvVeDwRxtkdi6)

**asahi:** _i-_

_**asahi:** 😂_

_**asahi:** alright, bye then_

_**asahi:** or should i say bi- wait i'm gay_

_**asahi:** anyway, talk later 😗✌️_

_**noya:** 🥰😘_

///

**_the day of The Exhibition:_ **

_**noya:** asahi!! my train is five minutes away!!_

_**asahi:** awesome!! which line are you on?_

_**noya:** green_

_**asahi:** nice, i'll be waiting there 👌_

_**noya:** wait,,,_

_**noya:** are you AT the station???_

_**asahi:** yep_

_**noya:** why?_

_**asahi:** just thought i'd come and meet you :)_

_**noya:** that's so sweet 🥺💕_

_**asahi:** just like you 😉_

_**noya:** ASHDHJKSJSHS STOP IM LITERALLY SWOONING 🥺💕🥰_

_**asahi:** oh, almost forgot, daichi and suga are here too_

_**noya:** :o_

_**noya:** wow!!! it's been so long, i can't wait to see them!!_

_**asahi:** i also invited tanaka and ennoshita, but they're gonna meet us later_

_**noya:** i'm!!!!!_

_**noya:** i can't believe this!! i'm so excited!!_

_**asahi:** me too! :)_

_**noya:** ok, i gotta stop texting now, but i'm almost there, so we can talk in person!!_

_**asahi:** alright, see ya soon :)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think that'll be it for now, but i'll definitely include more texting bits in the future cuz that was really fun! and i think next chapter i might give brief scenes of what's going on irl during these convos, and i might include The Exhibition 😳 who knows? tune in next time to find out 😗✌️


	47. maybe soulmates Do Exist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so like i said last chapter, this'll be some stuff that's going on irl during these text convos (tbh this is mostly filler, oops 😳✌️)

_**asahi:** hey, just thought i'd check in and see how you're doing_

_**noya:** look, i'm sorry if i wasn't clear enough, but,,, when i said i didn't want to talk to you now, i meant completely. even checking in. i'll be fine. and,,, i don't think this is something that'll just get resolved in a couple days. i know it's tough, but we need a break for a long time. maybe even a year or more._

_**asahi:** ah, i see. in that case... i'm sorry you feel that way. i'll miss talking to you, but i'll get by. goodbye yuu._

_**noya:** bye_

_**.azumane.** _

when noya said he didn't want to talk to me anymore after what happened, i felt a sinking in my stomach.

but i didn't really process it until after the first month.

that's when it hit me- he was really gone.

///

_**noya:** ASAHI LOOK AT THIS CUTE DOG I JUST SAW!!_

_**.azumane.** _

when i saw that notification i was dumbfounded. was he really texting me after all this time?

after a year and a half?

it was time to consult my roommates on what to do.

"guys... fuck. my ex boyfriend just texted me. what do i do?"

their heads shot up to look at me.

"whoa, did asahi just cuss?! this must be serious!" emiko exclaimed.

"didn't you hear what i said?!" i asked. "my ex boyfriend texted me!"

"which one?" emiko asked. "hideo, rin, or takeshi?"

"pfft, don't be silly, rin and i were together for like a month. also... hideo and i never actually dated."

"so those noises from your room were just-?"

"one night stand," i clarified.

she wiggled her eyebrows.

"ohoho, i didn't know asahi could be so frisky."

i blushed and rolled my eyes.

"honestly, i was really rooting for takeshi, and i was kinda sad when you two broke up," masumi said.

"yeah! like, he was really nice and quiet and calm. their personalities went together so well, i can't really imagine him with someone super loud and energetic."

"actually, i-"

"anyway, what's the problem here?" masumi interrupted.

i blinked, sighed, then replied.

"well, the problem is that we haven't spoken in like a year and a half! and our last meeting was... not particularly amicable? i mean, it _was_ , but at the end... things got a little awkward. so... yeah. we stopped talking."

"you say ex, but if it wasn't any of the guys we've known, how long have you been broken up? was this a secret relationship? did you only just break up the last time you met up?"

"what? no, we dated in high school, and broke up about a month before graduation. his name is yuu."

"high school?!" emiko exclaimed.

"well yeah, because i originally thought i wasn't going to uni, then i changed my mind, and y'all know how anxious i am, so i was like, 'hdjdhdksd this'll never work-' this being long distance- so i broke up with him."

"i'm sorry, but did you just verbally keysmash?" masumi asked.

"...yes? i'm gay, what kinda question-"

"we're all gay," emiko interjected.

"okay, well technically i'm pan-"

"yeah, blah blah, panromantic, asexual, non-binary, might as well recite the whole dictionary."

"ouch," they muttered.

"yeah, but i've never verbally keysmashed! and i've been gay for like... my whole life!"

"oh great, now you've given her an idea."

i shrugged.

"sorry."

"it's fine. anyway, about your ex, yuu. what did he say?"

"he said, 'look at this cute dog i just saw,' and sent a picture of a dog."

"wow... after a year and a half of silence... then just that?" they asked.

"damn, that's rough, buddy," emiko added, sipping a milkshake.

"where did you get-? never mind. should i respond? what do i even say to that?"

"i say go for it," emiko replied.

"as for what to say..." masumi offered. "maybe comment on the cuteness of the dog? or something about, like... 'why are you talking to me after so long? what's up with that, man?'"

"i guess."

"yeah! now stop guessing, and start doing! c'mon masumi, let's go watch queer eye in my room."

"didn't they do a little spin-off series where they came to japan?"

emiko gasped, grabbing their hand and starting to pull them down the hallway.

"ooh, i think you're right! we should watch that one!"

their conversation quickly faded, and the two left me alone in the kitchen to contemplate the best possible response.

_**asahi:** _

_[surprised sunglasses](https://pin.it/YuyRgEW) _

~~~

_**noya:** so,,,_

_**asahi:** so?_

_**noya:** ,,,can we be friends again? 🥺 **👉** 👈_

_**asahi:** i guess i don't see why not_

_**noya:** hurray!! **🤩🥳🥰**_

_**asahi: 😗✌️** _

_**.azumane.** _

it was strange to think that after all that... after so long... we could just be friends again, but i figured why not?

what did i have to lose?

besides, life is short and i don't want to waste it over some petty reason.

~~~

_**noya:** so, anything interesting happening for you?_

_**asahi:** actually yeah! i'm having,,, not exactly a full fashion show, but a small exhibition for some of my designs, which is really big for a student!!_

_i'm also very nervous tho 😳✌️_

_**noya:** whoa, that's so cool!!! when is it??_

_**asahi:** it's may 1st, so that's,,, uh,,,_

_exactly two weeks from today_

_**noya:** nice, i'll definitely be there_

_if that's cool_

_**asahi:** ?!_

_i guess?? how are you planning to get here?_

_**noya:** train_

_**asahi:** isn't that smth like 2h 45m trip?_

_**noya:** closer to 3h 45m but yeah_

_it's worth it, cuz i can see you and all the cool stuff you're doing!! plus i can visit ryū and chikara while i'm in the city_

_also, we have the monday after that as a holiday i'm pretty sure, so why not?¯\\_(ツ)_/¯_

_**asahi:** i mean? i guess???_

_**noya:** cool, it's settled then!!_

_**.azumane.** _

so this soon, he was going to be here again...

i would see him face to face for the first time since he kissed me.

_**.nishinoya.** _

i can't believe i just said i'd go to his event!

i mean, i definitely want to, but what if he had reacted badly? and even though he didn't, and i'm going now, what if i don't know how to act around him anymore?

i mean, i thought everything was fine last time, and i ended up kissing him!

wait, calm down, yuu, you've had a year and a half to calm down and get over your feelings. this is just supporting a friend. that's all. just a friend.

and if he's not just a friend...?

well, what was all that slutting around for, for the past couple months, then? the point was to get over asahi, so hopefully it worked.

~~~

_**asahi:** oh no, i don't want bald shiro getting hurt 😟😔_

_**noya:** you're more concerned about shiro (a fictional character) than me????!!!_

_**noya:** i'm even more hurt now 😔_

_**asahi:** what can i say? ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ i'm a simp for shiro_

_**asahi:** must just be something about guys with dark hair but a dyed light patch in the front 😳_

_**noya:** :o_

_~~~_

_**asahi:** whatever you want to do_

_**asahi:** but i do like the blond (☞ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)☞_

_**noya:** (;'༎ຶٹ༎ຶ')_

_**noya:** blond it is then 🤪🤪_

_**noya:** anyway, i gotta go get some bleach now, byyyeee_

_**.nishinoya.** _

wait... was he... _flirting_ with me?!

i couldn't help but get a little flustered, especially since it's been so long since we've flirted so casually like this...

wait, fuck! no! you're over him!

he's just a friend and your stomach feels fluttery because... because... you must've eaten something bad earlier, that's all!

i sighed. everything would be fine.

i hoped.

_**.azumane.** _

did i just flirt with him?!

what was i thinking?!

well, at least he didn't seem to react badly, but it still probably wasn't a good idea.

i thought i was over him, especially after takeshi, but... things didn't work out with him.

maybe things weren't _meant_ to work out with him.

i didn't really believe in a destined soulmates, but... what if everyone has a specific person that they're _made_ to be with? and once you find them... you just _know_ , and you can make things work, no matter how difficult.

i tried to clear that thought out of my head.

this was just a friendly visit. he probably doesn't even think of me that way anymore anyway.

not for a long time.


	48. chaotic meetings and The Exhibition

**_.azumane._ **

as i watched the train pull into the station and the doors open, i had no idea what to expect.

i mean, of course it's just noya. just noya. the words didn't really do him justice.

as people began to spill out of the train, i had a fleeting thought that maybe i was waiting at the wrong stop, and he wouldn't be here.

but then i saw him, looking around for me, and it sounds cliché, but it almost felt like slow motion.

i walked towards him and waved him over.

when he spotted me, his face lit up, and he hurried to where i was.

"asahi! i missed you!"

suddenly, he was right in front of me, colliding with my chest, and his arms were around me. i smiled a little at his antics and hugged back momentarily.

"i missed you too, yuu. how've you been?"

he pulled away to look me in the face.

"good! where's daichi and suga?"

"they're back at my apartment with my roommates. which... now that i think about it, is probably a bad idea because of all the embarrassing stories they could share, but it's too late now. so how about we head back there?"

"sounds great! let's go!"

he started to bounce off in one direction so i grabbed his shoulder.

"that's the wrong way. exit's this way."

"whoops! silly me, i must've got disoriented from the trip. now let's go for real!"

i chuckled at his high energy level, and followed him towards the exit.

///

the first voice i heard when we got back to the apartment was emiko.

"you guys really had a threesome?!"

those words were enough to trigger my fight or flight response, so i decided it was best to shut that down immediately.

"yeah, it was so crazy, he was just totally-"

"alrighty, guys, can we stop discussing my sex life?" i requested as i walked into the kitchen.

noya bounced in shortly after me.

"wait, i didn't hear anything. are we talking about asahi's sex life?"

daichi, suga, emiko, and masumi all replied, "yes."

"i just said no!" i exclaimed.

"alright fine, if we're not talking about your sex life, can we talk about mine?" noya asked.

i held out my hand.

"i'm gonna stop your right there, because i don't think i wanna know. just tell me you didn't sleep with tanaka, because that seems like something you'd do."

he sighed.

"unfortunately, i did not."

"unfortunately?!"

"what?! he's hot! maybe i should ask if him and chikara would wanna have a threesome some time..."

i his my face in my hands.

"i should've known this would be chaotic."

"what do you expect when you gather all your favorite people in one place?" suga asked. "i mean, i know you like me best, of course, but i can tell that you tolerate everyone else here."

there was an immediate outburst, and i heard some, "hey!"s and at least one, "what the fuck?!"

i chuckled.

"i mean, it's kind of true though."

instantly more chaos.

"what are you talking about?!"

"that's rude!"

"silence, peasants! jesus has spoken, and i am the favorite here!"

the silence that actually followed was a bit startling, and a little scary.

"so... we've got about an hour til the event starts... does anyone want a drink?" i offered.

"asahi, tell me it's not true! is suga really your favorite?!"

"uh... legally, i don't think i can answer that question."

"he's my boyfriend, he's _my_ favorite, not yours!" daichi defended, putting his arm around suga's shoulder.

"ooh, so romantic. i'm swooning," suga sighed, leaning into his chest.

"i like everyone in this room an equal amount," i finally said.

i received more than one skeptical look for that.

i shrugged.

"what? i don't want anyone to feel bad."

"aha!" emiko shouted. "that implies that you _do_ have a favorite!"

"i was about to say the same thing!" noya exclaimed, turning towards her.

she gasped.

"we must have a psychic connection! maybe we're soulmates."

he gasped too.

"my soulmate! but first- do you like guys? cuz i'm bi, but if you don't like guys this might not work."

she did a peace sign and looked disappointed. 😔✌️

"sadly i'm a lesbian, but we can still be platonic soulmates."

"platonic soulmates!"

"hell yeah!"

they high-fived, then moved away to start some other conversation.

"well i'm glad they get along," i commented to no one in particular.

"yeah, they seem really similar," masumi laughed. "i can't really imagine that the two of you used to date."

"yep, a long time ago."

"they're kind of like each other's foil though, right?" suga spoke up.

"foil?"

"like in literature, how two characters that are sort of opposite, but they complete each other, you know?"

"ohh. i guess?"

"they're not complete opposites though," daichi pointed out.

"i know that, but just- shh, let me be smart for a second."

he laughed.

"alright. you're very smart, babe, good job."

suga beamed.

"thank you!"

///

for the next forty five minutes, everyone socialized and got along pretty well, which made me happy.

i was a bit worried that my new friends and old friends might not get along so well, so i was glad to see that they seemed to be interacting with no problems.

"alright, guys, i think it's about time to go," i announced, checking my watch.

"yay! we're going to see some fancy clothes!" noya exclaimed, hopping up immediately, and running to the door.

emiko laughed and ran after him. how she managed to run in heels in a mystery to me though.

everyone else followed in a much calmer manner, although suga did seem to be skipping along a bit.

since there were six of us, and the elevator in the building was a little small, we took the stairs. it wasn't too bad though, since we were only on the third floor.

once we were on the last set, noya started complaining.

"so when are ryū and chikara gonna meet us?"

i checked my phone.

"well, according to this text a couple minutes ago, they should be meeting us-"

noya got down the stairs first and pushed open the door to the lobby, where tanaka and ennoshita stood.

"-right now," i finished with a smile.

noya gasped and nearly bowled tanaka over with a hug.

"ryū! it's been so long! and chikara!"

he hugged ennoshita as well.

"yeah, it's been a while!" tanaka replied enthusiastically.

"it's been, like, two months," ennoshita deadpanned.

"and that's three months too many!" tanaka exclaimed.

"that's what i would've said! hi, i'm kobayashi emiko! i'm one of asahi's roommates. and that's watanabe masumi, they don't talk much."

"i talk a normal amount, you just talk way more than the average person, so your data is skewed."

"blah blah, fancy smart person words, it's okay that you're shy."

"nice to meet you, kobayashi, i'm tanaka ryūnosuke, best friend of noya who is asahi's ex. so we basically already know each other already."

she gasped.

"you're right!"

"that doesn't make any sense," ennoshita and masumi said at almost the same time.

they looked at each other with surprise for a moment, and i decided that we shouldn't waste any more time.

"alright, guys, we can talk on the way, but we gotta get going if we don't wanna be late."

"you're right! let's go!"

we must've looked like a strange group walking down the sidewalk- all right of us in formal wear in the middle of the day. although the university was close enough that it was more efficient to just walk.

///

we arrived just in time, and sat through a brief opening statement, then were free to wander around the temporary exhibits.

"there's a lot of clothes here," tanaka mumbled, looking around the big room.

"where are your designs, asahi?" daichi asked.

"right over here," i replied, leading the small group to where my designs were displayed.

"ooh, this is like... the main area!" suga exclaimed. "good job on that!"

i blushed and smiled sheepishly.

"thanks. and it's probably best if i'm over here in case people... have questions? about the designs? uh... i don't know."

"ohh, that's a good idea!" emiko enthused.

"yeah! and these clothes look so cool! did you make them yourself?" noya asked.

i nodded.

"designed them and made them."

"ugh, he would be up at all hours of the night with that sewing machine. it was so loud it was hard to sleep," emiko complained.

"oops, sorry bout that."

"hey, no worries. seeing the finished product like this, it's worth it!"

"i really like the layering on this one," masumi commented, pointing to one of the outfitted mannequins. "and the jacket has a nice pattern."

"thank you."

they nodded in acknowledgment.

"i like these shoes," said noya, pointing. "are they custom?"

"yes, i embroidered them myself."

he gasped.

"that's so cool!"

being showered with all this praise from my friends, i couldn't stop blushing and smiling.

it was only four outfits, but they made it seem like i was some kind of superhero.

after a while, we went and looked at the other designs on display, but noya assured me that none of them were as fire as my designs.

i laughed and thanked him.

eventually, things slowed down a bit, and we all started heading out.

noya went back with tanaka and ennoshita for a few hours, and then would meet us back for dinner. after that though, he would stay with them for the weekend, but daichi and suga decided to come back to my apartment with masumi, emiko, and i for a bit.

after all the goodbye's (for now) had been said, and we headed home, i sighed happily.

this was probably the best day ever, and i was glad i could spend it with my friends.


	49. Family Dinner

_**.azumane.** _

after several hours of hanging out, talking, and watching weird youtube videos, noya, tanaka, and ennoshita were back for dinner.

it was a little crowded- our table wasn't exactly made to seat eight people at once after all, especially given that there were usually only three of us at most.

however, we made it work by pulling up some extra chairs, and tanaka and noya sat on the couch nearby since the table couldn't fit more than six- even with the extra chairs.

masumi and i had made tonkatsu for everyone with a simple side salad, and emiko had gone to use the neighbor's kitchen to make a 'surprise dessert' for later.

i was a bit curious, but i had an idea of what it might be.

everyone was just making pleasant small talk, until emiko said, "technically pop tarts are calzones and uncrustable sandwiches are raviolis."

masumi slammed their silverware down roughly on the table.

"goddamnit! just one peaceful dinner, that's all i ask for!"

"okay, but think about it-!"

"i don't want to!"

"no, no, she's got a point," tanaka said through a mouthful of food.

"yeah, i wanna hear more about this," noya added.

"i'm also curious about the logic," suga piped in.

"so pop tarts have that breaded outside and the hot filling inside, right? bam, calzone. uncrustables- again, breaded outside, filling on the inside. ravioli! the shape helps too. and, technically by that logic... since the earth has a crust on the outside and a hot, molten inside... it's almost like a pizza roll!"

masumi got up and started pacing around in irritation.

i chuckled slightly. this wasn't the first time something like this had happened. although i was surprised masumi was being so outspoken and confident in front of these people they didn't know too well.

"what's next?! are you gonna say a hot dog is a sandwich?!"

emiko gasped.

"wait, you're right! i never though of that! and also, i guess tacos are like a sandwich! or maybe hot dogs are tacos?!"

they clapped their hands together and sighed deeply.

"okay. i'm going to turn around and close my eyes. i'm gonna take ten deep breaths and then return to the table."

they did just that, turning their back on the table, and after the count of ten, returned to the table with an uncanny smile.

"i'm so sorry about that little outburst. what were we talking about?"

"oh! that pop tarts are-"

they glared at emiko.

"before that, i meant."

she shrugged and grinned innocently, and masumi took another deep breath before schooling their face again.

"wow!" daichi cut in. "this tonkatsu is very good! thank you for making it for all of us, asahi and watanabe."

masumi blushed a little.

"uh, yeah, no problem."

ah yes, there was that familiar shyness.

although i couldn't say much, since i was pretty much in the same boat, except i had known these people for years, so i had no reason to be shy or nervous now.

i flashed a thumbs up.

"think nothing of it. this is a special occasion after all!"

daichi looked like he was about to say something, but suddenly from the couch, tanaka shouted, "what?! a threesome?!"

noya burst out laughing.

"bahaha! you should see your face right now! it was just a joke... mostly."

he looked between tanaka and ennoshita suggestively.

"what?! no! we already talked about this, man!"

he laughed some more, wiping a tear away.

"i'm sorry, that was just too good. if you ever change your mind though..."

tanaka sighed.

"i'll... think about it."

noya looked surprised.

"oh! i wasn't expecting that!"

"is this about what you said earlier?" i asked. "wanting to have a threesome with tanaka and ennoshita?"

"heck yeah!"

ennoshita, who had just taken a sip of water, started to cough harshly.

daichi patted him on the back for a second until he caught his breath.

"you! i! what?! no!"

"damn, that would've been fun though... you wouldn't even want to try it?" noya asked.

"no! why would i-? just... no thank you. and please don't just sleep with my boyfriend."

noya made a fist.

"damn, he's good. maybe in another life, ryū. or if you and chikara ever happen to break up and i happen to be single."

tanaka shrugged.

"maybe. but i don't see us breaking up any time soon, so..."

he shook his head sadly.

"understandable, have a nice day."

"so, we've been having some nice weather recently!" daichi said after a couple seconds of silence.

"yeah, it's been getting warmer."

there was a bit more silence and daichi nudged suga slightly.

"oh yeah! it's been great. and uh, also, it was cool to see your designs earlier, asahi! i mean i knew you would sometimes talk about design in high school, but wow! you're pretty good!"

i felt my cheeks warm up, and i clasped my hands together, not quite sure what to do with them.

"ah, thank you, suga. i worked very hard on them."

"working hard or hardly working?" he shot back.

i groaned.

"that was _such_ a dad joke."

"you enjoyed it though."

"i really didn't."

noya decided to throw in his two cents then.

"i liked your joke, suga! and, asahi, your stuff really was amazing!! and i didn't even know you _liked_ fashion stuff, much less designing, until that one wednesday!"

"yeah, i know i already mentioned this, but that one jacket? perfection," masumi added, miming a chef's kiss.

"and i especially liked the way you blurred the lines of gender conformity," daichi said.

"me too! but i think that's kind of a given, you know. being non-binary and all," masumi replied.

"i thought the boots were very nice, and it's impressive that you embroidered them yourself!" ennoshita added.

"i especially loved the leather jacket!" tanaka exclaimed. "since we're friends, maybe you could make me one... as a favor."

he wiggled his eyebrows.

however, i was too busy trying not to overheat with all this praise.

"guys, i think we broke him..."

"yeah, i don't think i've ever seen him this red."

"nah," suga said. "i've seen him redder. like that time when it was me, him, and daichi, and we were-"

"that's enough!" i quickly yelled. "we don't need to discuss that."

"what'll you do if i tell? kick me out?"

he smirked, and i thought about it.

"actually, yeah, i might. that's highly sensitive information and i would rather it not get out. if it did, i would be pretty upset."

"alright, i won't say anything then."

"thank you."

"i'm kind of curious now..." noya muttered.

"yeah, but if it's that bad, it's best we don't know, right?" emiko asked.

"yeah, i guess you're right."

emiko turned back to the table, and her face lit up.

"oh! is everyone done with dinner?"

everyone came to a collective agreement, and she gathered up all the dishes and put them in the sink, then headed back out to the neighbor's.

"i'll be right back! i'm getting dessert!"

when she returned, she was carrying two plates of dorayaki, which i kind of expected, given that it was her favorite, and she made it on any excuse for a special occasion.

i still enjoyed it though.

we all ate up the delicious treat quickly, and after that, decided to go to a nearby park that had a volleyball net for a quick 3 on 3 game.

it would be daichi, suga, and i against noya, tanaka, and ennoshita.

"whoaa, asahi, i didn't know you played volleyball!" emiko exclaimed once we got there.

masumi looked at her incredulously.

"what drugs are you on? that's one of the first things he told us when we met?? and he doesn't talk about it _all_ the time, but it does come up a bit. and how do you think he knows these people??"

a look of understanding slowly dawned on her face.

"ohh, you're right! you have a good memory and you're pretty smart too!"

they blushed a bit and muttered, "thanks."

"alrighty then." noya clapped his hands. "so it'll be me, ryū, and chikara against asahi, daichi, and suga, right? just like old times, second years vs third years."

emiko looked confused again.

"but aren't you guys third years? and they're fourth?"

noya held up a finger.

"ah yes, you're right, but this is a match that's taking me back to the past days of high school, and the most prominent year i remember is right smack dab in the middle. our second year- their third. the end was especially a whirlwind."

"wait, but why-"

masumi elbowed her, and whispered, but i could still hear what they said.

"that would've been when he and asahi broke up, dumbass."

she whispered back, "ohhh. uh. right." she returned to a normal speaking voice. "carry on then."

of course, daichi chose for our side to receive first.

once we were all warmed up, ennoshita started with a serve, that daichi neatly received.

as suga set the ball for me, i felt the old exhilaration of hitting one of his tosses again, and i grinned.

this really _was_ the best day ever, here with all my friends, both old and new.


	50. online love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is gonna be another texting chapter 😗✌️ (side note, time stamps of each convo are all approximate)

_[online love](https://youtu.be/er7ZrLsp5g0) _

_"you only pass through my city every once in a million seconds on a broken clock. yet we talk like we're living only miles, only minutes from another just around the block."_

**_noya's first day in italy:_ **

**_(italy: 6am, japan: 1pm)_ **

_**noya:** my plane just landed and i'm at the airport!! i can't believe i'm in italy now!!_

_**asahi:** yeah that's great! did you get any sleep on the plane?_

_**noya:** yeah, a bit_

_**noya:** it's kind of weird though, because i left at 9 at night and now it's way early in the morning (i think i saw a clock saying 6am here??) even though back in japan it's still early afternoon 🤔_

_**asahi:** yeah, time zones can get a little funky like that_

_**noya:** yeah, i should probably reset my phone's clock as well_

_**noya:** wait!! i just realized that this would technically be the morning of the day before i left because of time zones??_

_**asahi:** no, it would be the morning after you left, technically??? cuz italy is only behind 7hours_

_**asahi:** also it doesn't rlly work like that, it's not time travel_

_**noya:** lmao, guess ur right_

_**noya:** anyway, i gotta go find my luggage and get to my rental apartment_

_**noya:** even though i managed to sleep a little, i'm still tired as hecc_

_**asahi:** yeah, a 16 hour flight probably takes it out of you_

_**asahi:** but try not to sleep for too long, because then it'll be harder to get used to the time zone later_

_**noya:** alright, i'll try!!_

_**noya:** although i'm in florence now, and i've got about a two hour car trip ahead of me to get to the cinque terre, so i might be able to sleep on the way there_

_**asahi:** alright, but be careful falling asleep in a cab, it could be dangerous_

_**noya:** yeah yeah i know, and i'll probably try to stay awake anyways_

_**noya:** but i'll text you when i get there_

_**asahi:** alright, have a(nother) safe trip!!_

_**noya:** i will, thanks!! 🥰_

_**asahi:** 😘_

///

**_~2 hours later:_ **

**_(italy: 8am, japan: 3pm)_ **

_**noya:** i made it!! i'm at the apartment and i'm very hungry but i'm also very tired, but there's no food here which means i'd have to go out and get something 😔_

_**asahi:** i'm sure it won't be too hard to go out and get some food real quick then come back and take a nap, right?_

_**noya:** i guess you're right 😔_

_**noya:** i just hope myself and the people here can stumble through enough english to communicate, cuz i can't remember any of the italian i worked on rn_

_**asahi:** if u can't remember the italian, how can u still remember any english??_

_**noya:** well the english has been ingrained since a young age, even if i struggled a bit, it still stuck in my head_

_**noya:** however i've only been learning italian for about a year so that's more slippery_

_**asahi:** yeah i guess that makes sense_

_**asahi:** well, good luck finding food, but i gotta go, i'm technically still at work so 😳_

_**noya:** hey! you shouldn't be on your phone then! 😠_

_**asahi:** texting you is important enough though_

_**noya:** you're gonna make me act up 😳💕_

_**noya:** anyways, imma try to acquire some sustenance now and hopefully all goes well and i can take a nap afterwards_

_**asahi:** right, well again good luck!! and don't nap for too long, try to keep it around an hour!_

_**noya:** alright, you're no fun, but i guess it makes sense_

_**noya:** bye bye, talk later_

_**asahi:** talk later :)_

///

_**approximately 2 weeks later:** _

_**(italy: 12pm, japan: 7pm)** _

_**noya:** i finally tried italian pizza!! and it's so much better than japanese pizza!!!_

_**asahi:** ??you've been in italy for like?? two weeks already??? how have you not tried it yet??_

_**noya:** 🤷♂️_

_**noya:** idk ig i just wanted to try more local and 'exotic' cuisines first_

_**asahi:** that makes sense_

_**noya:** yeah_

_**noya:** and i actually made friends with a fisherman!!! and i got to go fishing with him one day it was really fun!!_

_**asahi:** wow sounds exciting!! did you catch anything?_

_**noya:** yeah, but it slipped off the line 😭_

_**asahi:** rest in peace 😪_

_**asahi:** i mean i guess it's good for the fish but-_

_**noya:** yeah 😂_

_**noya:** but anyways !! it's a pretty small town here and it feels like i've talked to nearly everyone!! it's really helping my italian skills tho, i'm nearly fluent by now 😏_

_**noya:** well maybe not fluent, but i can hold a good conversation_

_**noya:** i probably couldn't go into detail about certain specific professions or anything tho_

_**noya:** just start talking about how physics works in italian, nah, too complicated_

_**noya:** but i can ask what's been going on recently, how're the kids, nice weather we're having, did you catch the new episode of that one show? oh your dog's still missing? that's sad, i'll keep an eye out, basic stuff like that_

_**asahi:** that's really good though! i'm not much one for learning other languages, so you're still doing better than me 👍_

_**noya:** ha yeah thx_

_**asahi:** now SUGA on the other hand,,, he's learning english, french, italian, AND spanish_

_**asahi:** and he says once he's mastered those, he might wanna learn more 😤_

_**noya:** damn suga, making me look bad, that overachiever_

_**asahi:** i guess 😂 hejust wants to be able to talk to a lot of people or something_

_**noya:** makes sense_

_**noya:** and he's probably tryna flex on everyone, watch him break out into fifteen different languages at the high school reunion_

_**asahi:** lmao i could see him doing that_

_**noya:** right?_

_**noya:** but i think my pizza's gonna get cold, so i gotta go eat it real quick 😳_

_**asahi:** :o_

_**asahi:** you stopped eating to talk to me?_

_**noya:** well duh, you're more important to me than some food_

_**noya:** food can wait_

_**asahi:** 🥺💕_

_**noya:** 🥰_

///

**_1 week later:_ **

**_(italy: 8pm, japan: 3am)_ **

_**noya:** la luna é bella, vero? ☺️😌_

_**asahi:** ?? i don't understand?_

_**asahi:** and i'm too lazy for google translate 😔😔_

_**noya:** 😳👉👈_

_**noya:** what r u doing awake tho?? it's 3am for u??_

_**asahi:** 😳_

_**:::** _

_**asahi:** suga are you awake_

_**suga:** yep_

_**asahi:** you're still working on italian, right?_

_**suga:** yeah, started a while ago since i feel confident enough with french to put that on hold for a bit_

_**asahi:** ok, what does "la luna é bella, vero?" mean?? noya just texted it to me and i'm too lazy to paste it into google translate_

_**suga:** too lazy to translate but un-lazy enough to ask me about it??_

_**asahi:** asking you doesn't require leaving this app_

_**suga:** eh fair enough_

_**suga:** but are you sure that's what he said?😳_

_**asahi:** yep, positive_

_**suga:** alright, well what it means,,,_

_**suga:** 月が綺麗ですね?_

_**asahi:** HUH?!!!_

_**asahi:** ARE YOU SURE?!!_

_**suga:** yes, approximately_

_**suga:** google isn't 100% accurate, but that's pretty much it_

_**asahi:** i'm!!! what do i say to that??_

_**suga:** well i mean,, probably 死んでもいいわ_

_**suga:** but if u wanna reply to him in italian, it would be "posso morire felice"_

_**asahi:** ahhhh_

_**asahi:** ok thanks suga, i'll try even tho i'm rlly nervous 😳_

_**suga:** that's my boy! i believe in you!! 🥰👍_

**_:::_ **

_**asahi:** posso morire felice_

_**noya:** :o_

_**noya:** wait i thought you didn't want to google translate??_

_**asahi:** i changed my mind 😉_

_**noya:** alrighty then 😏_

_**noya:** but you should probably go to sleep now, it's late 😳_

_**asahi:** yeah, i'll try soon 😔_

_**noya:** ok, goodnight then, love you 💕💕_

_**asahi:** night, love you too 🥰_

///

**_three days later:_ **

**_(italy: 7am, japan, 2pm)_ **

_**noya:** so uh i was trying to make breakfast and i_

_**noya:** i burned the pot and the water 😳_

_**asahi:** noya, sweetie,,,_

_**asahi:** how did that even happen???_

_**noya:** i think i didn't put enough water 😔_

_**asahi:** only /you/ could burn water 😔_

_**noya:** thanks 🤩_

_**asahi:** well good luck with that, but i have a rush order i need to work on, so_

_i gotta get back to work_

_**noya:** oh shoot i always forget to check the time in japan before i text_

_**noya:** bye, good luck with work!!_

///

**_four days later:_ **

**_(italy: 1pm, japan: 8pm)_ **

_**noya:** fourth week in italy, made it to rome, school starts next week 😗✌️_

_**asahi:** hotel? trivago_

_**noya:** i-_

_**noya:** ok 😂_

_**noya:** i'm looking forward to sight seeing tho_

_**asahi:** make sure to send me some pics_

_**noya:** will do 👌_

_**noya:** when i have time tho, i'll probably have to do all my tourist-y stuff this week_

_**asahi:** lmao, imagine still being a student 🤪_

_**noya:** you were a student just last year!!_

_**asahi:** true, but i am no longer a student, i have a job now 😌✨_

_**noya:** haha imagine having a job_

_**noya:** you know, that didn't quite pack the punch i was looking for_

_**asahi:** 😂_

_**asahi:** btw, have you eaten lunch yet today?_

_**noya:** have you eaten dinner???_

_**asahi:** yes, now answer the question_

_**noya:** uh,,, with all the time of moving from monterosso to rome, i've been a little preoccupied, i haven't had much time..._

_**asahi:** noya!! you need to eat!!! don't make me fly all the way to italy just to make sure you're taking care of yourself 😠😤_

_**noya:** i guess i'll find some food then,,,_

_**asahi:** good!! and stay hydrated too!!!_

_**noya:** i will, thanks, love you 💕_

_**asahi:** love you too 💖_

///

**_sunday, april 7th. one day before start of term:_ **

**_(italy: 3pm, japan: 10pm)_ **

_**asahi:** i was listening to this song, and thought of you_

_**asahi:** *attached 'adore you' by harry styles*_

_**noya:** omg ily 🥺💕_

_**noya:** actually, i was listening to this song and thought of YOU_

_**noya:** *attached 'doubt' by twenty one pilots*_

_**asahi:** i-_

_**asahi:** thanks -.-_

_**noya:** heehee love you_

_**asahi:** yeah, love you too 🙄_

_**noya:** 😘_

///

**_i'm too lazy to write more in between convos, so here's one week before noya returns to japan:_ **

**_(italy:11pm, japan, 6am)_ **

_**noya:** asahi r u awake yet??_

_**noya:** i'm so excited to come back next week, i don't wanna sleep 🤩_

_**asahi:** yeah just woke up a couple minutes ago_

_**asahi:** you should sleep tho_

_**asahi:** just think- if u sleep, the time will seem to go faster and you're that much closer to coming back!!_

_**asahi:** i miss you too, but you still need to take care of yourself 💕_

_**noya:** alright fine, i'll sleep 😒_

_**asahi:** good, i love you 🥰_

_**noya:** love you too, goodnight 😘_

_**asahi:** goodnight 😂💖_

///

**_one week later:_ **

**_(italy: 1am, japan: 8am)_ **

_**noya:** i'm so tired 😔😴_

_**noya:** but excited!!_

_**noya:** i'm at the airport, and they're gonna start boarding soon_

_**noya:** just ~16 more hours then i can be home!! and see you and everyone!!_

_**asahi:** i'm excited too, i missed you! 💝✨_

_**noya:** oop, gotta go now, my sections boarding_

_**noya:** see you soon!_

_**asahi:** see you soon, love you! 🥰_

_**noya:** love you too 🤩💓_

///

_**approximately 16 hours later:** _

_**(japan: 12am (midnight))** _

_**noya:** plane just touched down!! i'm waiting for a good opening to grab my carry on and get outta here, but there's a lot of people in the aisles :/_

_**asahi:** yeah, that seems like a pain 😅_

_**asahi:** but i'll see you soon !!_

_**noya:** see me soon???_

_**noya:** are you AT the airport???_

_**asahi:** 😉🤫_

_**noya:** :o_

_**noya:** hold up i see an opening so imma shove my way thru_

_**noya:** talk in a bit_

_**asahi:** talk later 🤠_


	51. falling into love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this takes place during the summer while noya is still in italy. (tbh i'm not the biggest fan of this, but it's an important bridge chapter so 🤷♀️)

_[falling into love](https://youtu.be/Ies-UnElYjA) _

_"well now really when we go back, then, to falling in love. and say it's crazy. falling. you see? we don't say, 'rising into love.' there is in it, the idea of the fal_ l."

**_.azumane._ **

as i texted noya more and more, i could've sworn i almost felt some familiar, old feelings fluttering in my chest.

the distance, too, made me realize how much i miss him.

but no.

we've been broken up for a long time now, and he's probably moved on. besides, it was _me_ that broke up with him. it would be unfair to him to just say, 'hey, i think i'm in love with you again,' and unfair for any potential partner he may have.

i sighed.

i thought i was completely over him, for sure!

but now... now i wasn't so sure.

**_.nishinoya._ **

this distance from asahi made me uncomfortably aware that i'm not quite as 'over him' as i would like to believe.

during my time in italy, i had tried sleeping around a bit again, which is what i did last time, but eventually i stopped that too.

i was flirting with a girl at a bar, and she asked if i wanted to come back to her place, but i had to decline.

there was just this pit in my stomach, and a little voice in my head telling me that it wasn't right.

i had a bad feeling about this though.

i knew asahi was over me- his roommate, kobayashi, had told me about some of his ex boyfriends, and why would he date other people if he still had feelings for me?

maybe i should keep this to myself, so things wouldn't go sour between us again...

but from the way we chat, with all his concerns about me staying hydrated and getting enough rest, the little, 'i love you's, and the pet names? and _especially_ when i sent, 'la luna è bella, vero?' and he replied, 'posso morire felice'?

that gave me the slightest bit of hope, that maybe... just _maybe_... we could be together again.

one day.


	52. a Proper sleep schedule? who is She?

_**.nishinoya.** _

i got off the plane as quickly as possible, although i felt a little dizzy since the landing was a bit rough.

as soon as i got back into the main area of the airport, i looked all around for asahi, since he said (or at least heavily implied) that he would be here.

i spotted a tall man with long, brown hair and glasses nearby, and gasped. it was him!

"asahi!" i called out, walking faster.

he looked up, and waved at me, a smile on his face.

i broke out into a run, and hugged him as soon as i was close enough.

"oof," he said, because i kind of ran into him with full force.

"i'm back!" i said, pulling away.

"you're back!" he repeated happily.

"and you're here! at the airport! even though it's like, midnight!"

he blushed.

"yeah, i just missed you. and i figured you might need a ride and a place to spend the night. if that's okay."

my eyes widened.

"yes! i would love that! i missed you too."

i hugged him again for a while.

"we should probably go get your bags now," he observed after several moments.

"that's a good idea," i agreed.

after a quick bathroom trip, we walked back through the airport, which was mostly empty at this time of night, to where the luggage carousel was.

"so i've just got one other suitcase, and this backpack," i said, shrugging my shoulders to indicate the backpack itself.

he nodded.

"what does it look like?"

"well, i got it custom printed with my face on it so i could never lose it."

he made a slightly disgusted face and i laughed.

"nah, i'm joking, it's plain black with a bunch of stickers all over."

"that's definitely better than a suitcase with your face on it."

"what's wrong with my face?!"

he laughed.

"nothing, nothing. i like your face, i would just be embarrassed for you if it was on a suitcase."

"well damn."

he just shrugged.

another minute or two passed before i spotted it.

"ooh! there it is!"

i went over and grabbed it, set it down, and walked back over to asahi.

"let's get out of here, i'm tired," i complained.

"yeah, me too. the drive to my place is about an hour."

i nodded.

"i can take the first shift."

"what? no, you're not driving, i can drive us."

"well, i guess if you insist."

he nodded firmly, and i leaned on his arm for support.

"that tired, huh?"

"yeah."

"did you get any sleep on the plane?"

i yawned.

"well, since my flight was at 1am, i figured i wouldn't have time to sleep, and should just get to the airport, then i slept for the first six hours, but woke up for in-flight breakfast. first time i've had breakfast in the sky. then i might've slept for another two or three hours in there, but even when you're tired, it's kind of hard to sleep on a plane."

he nodded.

"that makes sense. since it's so cramped and there's not a lot of room to get comfortable."

i hummed in agreement, and we walked the rest of the way to his car in silence.

i put my suitcase and backpack in the back, and after only a few minutes of driving, i had fallen asleep.

**_.azumane._ **

i glanced over at noya to see that he had already fallen asleep.

i smiled fondly, and turned down the radio slightly so he wouldn't wake up.

yeah, i'd have to wake him up when we got back, but i figured i'd let him sleep for now. god knows he needs it.

///

_**.nishinoya.** _

what seemed like only minutes later, asahi was shaking me awake, and i was only half-conscious as i grabbed my bags, and leaned on his arm as he walked me to the door.

i'm pretty sure he typed some code into a keypad before we walked in and got on the elevator.

once we reached his apartment, i was slightly more awake, but not much.

"sorry it's not much," he said sheepishly, clicking on the lights. "after moving out from emiko and masumi, money was a bit tight, especially when it comes to an apartment in tokyo."

"i think it's cute," i mumbled. "it suits you."

"thanks? but yeah, i don't think i'd have any room for a spare futon..."

"that's fine, we can share the bed. just like old times."

i chuckled thinking about it, and he just smiled in a way that was hard to decipher.

"yep, just like old times. do you need to get changed?"

"nah, i dressed as comfy as possible for the flight, so i'm good. i'll definitely need a shower tomorrow though, after wearing these clothes for so long."

he laughed softly.

"alright, well i'm gonna go ahead and use the bathroom, you can just make yourself comfortable in bed."

we both went to the bedroom, and i threw myself on the bed. he grabbed some pajamas, and left again.

shortly after, i heard running water, and figured he would be taking a shower.

i was too tired to wait for him to come back to bed, so i tucked myself in, closed my eyes, and quickly fell asleep again.

///

when i awoke the next morning, it was barely light outside, the sun not having fully risen yet. who knows what time it was, especially with these early summer sunrises.

i kind of had to go to the bathroom, but when i tried to get up, i was prevented by an arm draped over my stomach.

i craned my neck to look behind me, and saw asahi, still asleep.

i sighed happily, pressing my back against his chest. maybe things weren't like they used to be, but it couldn't hurt to pretend for a minute, right?

he stirred a bit, causing me to panic, but settled down again, and it was obvious he was still asleep.

i relaxed and sighed deeply. i could have this moment for a little longer before i had to give it up.

for several more minutes, i laid there with my eyes closed, basking in the comfort of asahi's grasp.

however, under all the blankets, plus another person pressed right against me, especially in the summer, it was bound to get a little warm. plus, i couldn't deny that i had to go to the bathroom for much longer.

i started squirming around, trying to free myself from asahi's arms, and he stirred agin. i froze.

"yuu? what're y' doin' up so early?" he mumbled with a yawn.

"bathroom," i whispered.

he hummed, and pressed a kiss to the back of my neck, then laid back down, moving his arms back.

i swallowed, and got up, walking to the bathroom as quickly as possible.

when i got in there, i closed and locked the door, turned on the light, and sat on the toilet. my heart was beating out of my chest.

the first name? the fact that he didn't question the cuddle? the neck kiss?

i took a deep breath.

chill the fuck out, yuu, it's just because he's still mostly asleep.

he probably just got a little confused, and forgot what was really going on here. that's all.

i was about to text tanaka, but i realized i left my phone in the bedroom in my hurry to get out of there. besides, it was early, so he probably wouldn't reply anyway.

so i did my business, washed my hands, waited another minute to calm down, then returned to the bedroom.

asahi was asleep again, and i hesitantly climbed back into bed, moving gently so i wouldn't disturb him.

i hesitated for a second, before pressing back up against him once again.

it couldn't hurt... right?


	53. posso morire felice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tbh i'm considering making a 'sequel' to this where i more explore ennotana and asanoya before the breakup (and possibly elaborate more on how daisuga got together) cuz gay rights 😳🌈

_**.nishinoya.** _

i didn't manage to get back to sleep after that- my body simply refused.

probably due to all the jet lag and weird sleeping hours- but whatever the case, it just said, "no ❤️"

however, i was able to enjoy cuddle-with-asahi time, even if it was a bit warm.

although it wasn't too long before he woke up for good, seeing as i woke up around 6am, and he usually wakes up around 6-7. even on weekends, what a weirdo.

he stretched with a bit of a groan, and i heard him yawn and sit up.

"you up?" he whispered.

"mhm," i replied, rolling over to look at him.

"did you sleep well?"

i pondered this for a moment.

"you could say that. my sleep's been a bit fucked with this time change, so i only slept a couple hours."

"eh, better than nothing, right?"

"yeah, you're right. i probably smell disgusting right now though, ugh. i knew sleeping in these same clothes was a bad idea, but i think i was too tired to care."

"i can get the shower started for you, if you want. it's hard to figure out the perfect temperature at first."

"ooh, that'd be nice, thanks."

he nodded, and hauled himself out of bed, leaving the room.

shortly after, i swung my legs over the side of the bed, and rifled through my suitcase, looking for some clean clothes.

finally, i found what might've been my last clean clothes, and headed to the bathroom, where asahi was just leaving.

"i got the shower all set up for you in there, so i'm gonna make some breakfast now."

i gave him a thumbs up, and went into the bathroom.

i locked the door behind me, and set my clean clothes on the toilet lid. i took off my old, stinky clothes and set them on the floor, then stepped under the nice, warm water.

as i washed my hair and body, my mind brought back a specific memory for whatever reason.

it wasn't long after asahi had broken up with me- maybe even the same night, i couldn't remember too well.

ryū had come over to my house to check on me, and forced me to take a shower. i hadn't wanted to, but complied anyway. as i showered, i cried.

i cried a lot in the following weeks, but i hadn't cried for a while now. after that, we had dinner and watched sailor moon.

i smiled in a bittersweet sort of way. i'm not sure why i remembered that particular time right now, but i let the memory linger for a moment, then let it go and imagined it washing down the drain with the soap bubbles.

after i turned the water off, i stood for a moment, the water dripping down my hair and body. i looked around to see an extra towel laid on the laundry basket near the shower, so i grabbed it and dried myself off.

i got dressed and looked at myself in the mirror for a moment, before deciding it wasn't worth it to go back and try to find hair gel in my suitcase and put my hair up. i had been leaving my hair down a bit more these days, and besides, it's just asahi, so who cares?

i ran the towel over my hair one last time, then hung it up on the towel rack and left the bathroom.

i walked into the kitchen to see asahi setting bowls of miso soup on the table, then returned to the counter to lay some fish over rice.

"looks good," i commented.

"thanks," he said with a smile. "back when i lived with masumi and emiko, emiko couldn't cook, and masumi wanted someone to cook with, so they taught me everything they know."

he set the food on the table.

"that's awfully nice of them."

i sat down, and watched him return to the counter to pour two mugs of tea.

"thanks for the food," i said as he set the tea down on the table.

as he sat down he said, "itadakimasu," and we began eating.

i fidgeted around slightly as i scarfed down my food.

asahi chuckled.

"hungry?"

i nodded.

"yeah. plus it's been a while since i've had proper japanese food. italy's great, and having a sweet type breakfast is nice, but the savory breakfasts hit different, ya know?"

he nodded, taking a sip of tea.

"i get that. once in a while a sweet breakfast is nice, but i just think this is the best way to do it."

"yeah, we've got it all figured out in japan, the rest of the world just needs to catch up."

"you shouldn't talk with your mouth full."

"well now _you're_ talking with your mouth full," i pointed out.

"damnit, you're turning me into you."

i laughed.

"that's a nice thought, but i don't think you could ever fully become me. but that's okay, i like you just as you are now."

he took another drink of tea, and when set his mug back on the table, i noticed his hands shaking slightly.

"so i've been thinking a lot lately. about us."

that caught my attention. i arched an eyebrow.

"oh?"

"yes, and i... i realized... well, i think i made a mistake. breaking up with you."

my heart stopped, and my spoon clattered out of my hand, but he kept talking.

"and when you were in italy, i realized that long distance _can_ work, and i was just being stupid and making a big problem out of nothing. and i also realized that i'm a little bit in love with you again. or maybe still? i'm not too sure on that. i understand if you don't feel the same though, i know what i did was pretty shitty."

i was stunned into silence for several moments and he looked at me curiously.

"yuu?"

"sorry, was i not saying that stuff out loud?"

he smiled nervously.

"no, you didn't say anything."

"well... i admit, what you did... wasn't great. but honestly, i'm in love with you too. i was kind of scared to say anything though, i thought you might've moved on."

he sighed.

"there was a point where i thought i did, but... in the end, it'll always be you. will you go out with me?"

"damnit, you beat me to it this time!"

he laughed.

"well, you asked me out last time, so i wanted my turn."

"alright, i'll go out with you. but i guess that means i'll just have to propose first."

"wait, what?"

"ah! nothing! i didn't say anything! anyway, uh... how's that lame, loser job going?"

he softly exhaled through his nose and shook his head with a smile.

"the lame, loser job is fine. but you know, now that you're officially an adult and graduated, you'll have to get a job too. i'm not just gonna let you stay here for free."

"stay here?"

"oh, uh... well i figured you wouldn't have a place here anymore besides back in miyagi with your parents, so i guess i was wondering if you'd move in?"

"oh, fuck yeah! i'll get all my stuff here tomorrow."

"i think _all_ your stuff might take longer than a day to bring over, but we'll see."

"well... i have determination! so i can do it! but yeah, i guess i should get a job or whatever."

"i can't believe you didn't have a job already in college," he murmured, slurping up some soup.

"meanie! we can't all get cool, fashion internships! plus... i probably could've gotten a job fourth year, but i was in italy!"

"why not just get a job in italy then?"

"damn, why didn't i think of that? i wonder if my italian would've been good enough though..."

"i'm sure it would have been."

"thank you for your confidence in me."

"of course. 月が綺麗ですね?"

_(tsuki ga kirei, desu ne?)_

i smiled and felt my cheeks warm.

"posso morire felice."

he raised his eyebrows. i wish i knew what he was thinking.

"damn, hearing you speak italian out loud is hotter than i thought it'd be."

again, my heart stopped for a second.

"you've thought about it?" i teased.

"maybe a little bit."

"i mean, since you think it's so hot... if you want to, i wouldn't be opposed to-"

"if i think you're about to suggest what i think you're going to suggest, that can wait until later. i mean come on, it's 7:30 in the morning. we're eating breakfast for god's sake. and don't say anything about me being jesus!"

i laughed.

"alright... judas."

"you-"

he shook his head, and i felt his gaze on me as i smiled gleefully.

we continued the rest of breakfast with some light banter, and as i went to set my dishes in the sink with asahi next to me, i gathered my courage.

"so now that we're dating again, will you give me a kiss?"

he thought about it for a moment.

"not until you brush your teeth," he teased.

a fire lit in my eyes.

"you got it!"

i ran to the bathroom and shuffled through my toiletry kit to grab my toothbrush and toothpaste.

asahi trailed in behind me, laughing slightly at my eagerness, but i was serious about this.

it had been _years_ since i'd kissed asahi (even counting my slip-up during first year of college) so i wanted to do it again as soon as possible.

"make sure you brush for two minutes as well," he said, putting toothpaste on his own toothbrush.

i paused, my toothbrush halfway to my mouth.

"how am i supposed to know if it's been two minutes?"

he set his phone on the counter, propped against the mirror.

"music. start brushing when the song starts playing, and after two minutes have passed, that's when you're done."

"alright, alright."

"and make sure to get thirty seconds each quadrant of your mouth."

"okay, i will!"

he smiled.

"just making sure."

he pressed play on the music- a song called 'frankly, mr. shankly' by the smiths, and i started brushing.

the song wasn't much longer than two minutes itself, and it was pretty good, so i was bopping the whole time, and it seemed to make the time pass faster.

after i had spit in the sink and rinsed my mouth, and he had done the same, i said, "there, done! kiss now?"

he grinned evilly.

"nope. i still gotta floss."

"whaaaatttt?!! now you're just teasing."

"nah, i just care about my dental hygiene."

"don't say you're gonna make _me_ floss too?"

"no, but you should at least once a day anyway."

"ugh, i'll floss at night then."

"good."

i watched for a moment as he flossed, but it was boring and taking a long time, so i went out to the hallway to pace.

it seemed like forever, but was probably only about 30 seconds before he came out of the bathroom.

"alright, i'm done. you may have a kiss now."

i spun around to face him.

"finally!"

"ah- _if_ you can reach."

he seemed to stand slightly taller and i pouted.

"that's unfair."

he shrugged.

"i don't know, i think this is kind of fun."

i looked behind me, and glanced at the ceiling, gauging how much room i would have.

i began to back up slightly.

"alright, but prepare to catch me."

"wait-"

it was too late, i had already started my run-up, and when i was close enough, i jumped as high as possible at him.

i wrapped my legs around his waist, and he caught me, his hands under my butt for support. i wrapped my arms loosely around his shoulders.

"you're kinda mean, y'know," i whispered.

he smiled.

"i just like teasing you."

i leaned in, but just before my lips touched his, i pulled back ever so slightly.

"prepare for payback later. i'll have you begging on your knees."

he exhaled through his nose with a grin, and i felt the puff of air on my face.

"i can't wait then."

after he said that, i leaned back in, and _finally_ for the first time in _years_ , i kissed him again.

it was almost a religious experience, feeling his lips on mine, all jokes about jesus aside.

i slid my hands into his hair, and he squeezed my butt lightly.

i laughed a little, breaking the kiss.

"i missed you. a lot," i whispered.

"i missed you too. i love you. a lot."

"i love you too."

i wasn't expecting this when i got back to japan, but so far, this day was turning out better than i could have ever hoped. it almost felt like a dream.

although i knew this couldn't possibly be a dream. i was wide awake, and this was the best awake-ness ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i considered making this the last chapter but then i wrote three more 😗✌️


	54. this is not The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this takes place about six years later. so everyone is late 20s, early 30s age-wise.

_**.sugawara.** _

i was sitting in the living room, and gasped at the sight before my eyes. i called out to my husband.

"daichi, quick, come here and record this! i think yūki is about to take her first steps!"

he also gasped and rushed into the room with our special "baby camera" that we had to record all of the big moments like this.

"kōshi! she's-!"

"i know!"

we watched as our baby pulled herself up with the support of the coffee table, and startled stumbling over to me.

i gasped, clapping my hands together, a smile overtaking my face.

"c'mere, yūki! you can do it!"

"mama," she cooed, coming towards me.

i smiled widely, feeling tears start to form as i looked over at daichi.

i saw him grinning widely as well, and swiping at his eyes.

she stumbled and fell a short distance from me, so i crawled over and held her arms for support.

"let's go to papa," i encouraged.

"papa!" she repeated.

daichi laughed a bit with a sniffle trailing after, and wiped his eyes again as we walked towards him.

well, she walked, i was crawling. oh, how the turn tables, baby...

he was nearby, so it only took a few steps before we reached him. i let go of her arms.

"papa!" she exclaimed again, and crawled into his lap.

daichi handed me the camera, and i flipped it to film the two of them.

he laughed again, a few more tears spilling out, and i had to wipe my own eyes.

she reached up to touch his cheek, and brushed some of the tears away.

"papa... sad?" she wondered.

daichi smiled and shook his head.

"no, papa's happy. very happy."

"happy!" she repeated, and he nodded.

"mama's happy too," he said.

"mama happy!"

she turned to look at me with a smile.

"yes, mama's happy," i confirmed.

she clapped her hands excitedly, so of course i had to clap too.

daichi and i had adopted her when she was three months old, approaching nine months ago now. safe to say, it was one of the best decisions of our lives. right up there with getting married to each other.

there was a knock at the door.

"oh, i almost forgot!" daichi exclaimed.

"me too." i picked myself up off the floor and wiped my eyes again. "that'll be asahi and noya then, and since you have yūki, i can get the door."

he nodded, and as i walked out of the room, i heard him talking to yūki.

"hear that, baby? uncle asahi and uncle yuu are here!"

"uncles here!"

i opened the door, and sure enough, there they were.

"asahi! noya!"

"suga!"

"are you alright? you look like you've been crying."

"oh! i have been! yūki just took her first steps!"

they both gasped.

"that's amazing!"

"i know! now don't just stand out there, come on in."

i moved out of the way and let them in.

"pardon the intrusion."

we went to the living room and daichi looked up.

"hey, guys!"

"daichi! long time no see!"

"yeah, totally!" he squinted a bit, then gasped. "asahi, is that a ring?! did you guys get married and not tell us?!"

my eyes widened and i looked at asahi's left hand as well. sure enough, there was a plain, good band there, but i didn't see one on noya's hand.

"nope, we're not married. but we did get engaged! surprise!"

noya grinned smugly.

"i told you i'd propose first."

"yeah, you did say that."

"i feel like there's a story behind all this," daichi mumbled.

"oh! well the first time we dated, _i_ asked _him_ out first, but when i got back to japan, he beat me to it! so i told him that i would just have to propose first."

"ah, makes sense. so when did this happen?"

"last night," asahi announced proudly.

"last night?!" i exclaimed.

"yep! that's why we hadn't told you yet! wanted it to be a surprise to say in person."

"that makes sense."

i sat on the couch, and gestured for asahi and noya to sit as well- which they did. daichi was still on the floor with yūki, gently bouncing her up and down on his lap.

"so how'd you do it, noya?" i asked.

"well, i recreated our first date, so we went to the movies, and afterward got slushees from 7-11, and after we finished those, we were walking through the park, and i was actually really nervous, but i was like, 'this is it, it's now or never.' so i dropped to one knee and pulled out the ring, asked the big question, and he said yes!"

noya and asahi smiled widely, and asahi held up his left hand.

"it was very sweet and romantic, and i think it was perfect."

"that's amazing," daichi said.

"for sure," i echoed.

"but you said yūki took her first steps, right?" asahi asked.

"that's right! it was just a couple minutes ago! daichi, the camera!"

he handed the camera to me, and i clicked into saved videos, picked the most recent, and showed them the screen.

"wow," asahi gasped.

"that's amazing! i think it actually took me a little longer than most kids to walk," noya commented.

"yeah, and you're still not great at it," asahi teased. "tripping over your feet all the time."

"it's not my fault that they just get in the way sometimes!"

"mhm."

we went back to watching the video, but it was pretty short, so it was over soon.

"that's awesome," noya repeated, and asahi nodded.

"uncles!" yūki shouted, and started wiggling around in daichi's arms.

he let her go, and she crawled for a moment, then picked herself up, and shakily walked over to the couch.

asahi gasped.

"wow! i know we just saw the video, but wow! it seems like she's grown up so fast!"

"aw, come here, yūki!" noya encouraged.

she giggled, and stopped in front of noya, making grabby hands.

he picked her up and set her in his lap, looking at her adoringly.

"kids are pretty cool, huh?" he mumbled, seeming slightly dazed.

i sent a knowing look at asahi, and he smiled back warmly.

///

after several hours of hanging out, asahi and noya had to leave, and yūki was starting to get a little cranky anyway.

"sorry we won't be able to make it for her first birthday," asahi apologized on the way out.

i smiled, bouncing yūki on my hip, and she fussed a bit.

"that's alright, i know you guys won't be in town today then."

"yeah, you're leaving tomorrow, right?" daichi asked.

"yep, bright and early," noya confirmed.

"well, we'll miss you."

"we'll miss you too."

"goodbye for now then."

"may we one day meet again," noya proclaimed.

"you make everything so dramatic," asahi chuckled.

we all laughed, and exchanged our final goodbyes, then they left.

i shut the door, and shifted yūki to hold her in front of me.

"alright, whiny girl, what is it now? are you hungry? tired? need to go potty?"

she just babbled at me.

"use your words, honey. what do you need?"

"potty!" she finally answered.

i smiled.

"alright, thank you."

before i could take her to the bathroom, daichi put his hand on my arm.

"i can take her if you want."

"are you sure?"

"yep, it's fine."

"alright then, thank you."

i handed her over and kissed him.

"yucky!" yūki declared.

we laughed and broke apart.

"alright, c'mon then, potty baby," daichi said, and they left to the bathroom.

she babbled on some more to him, and he nodded with interest, occasionally replying. i smiled watching my husband and baby.

i couldn't believe my life had ended up so perfectly, and this was only the beginning! who's to know what surprises the upcoming years hold?

i just know that i can't wait to find out.


	55. Far from it, in Fact

_**.ennoshita.** _

i was awoken sometime in the middle of the night by my boyfriend gently shaking my shoulder.

i rubbed my eyes and propped myself up on my elbow.

"chikara, i have an important question."

i glanced at the clock.

"ryū... what the fuck? it's 2:30 in the morning. what could possibly be so important that you had to wake me up for?" i asked groggily.

"would you still love me if i was a worm? like... if you woke up and i was just a worm... would you want a divorce?"

i blinked, unsure if i had heard him correctly. knowing him though, i had.

"ryū... again, what the _fuck_? _this_ was what was so important to wake me up in the middle of the night?"

" _yes_. please, just answer the question."

"i mean... we're technically not married-"

"yeah, cuz we both thought it was stupid, and we didn't need some paper telling us we could be in love forever, but we might as well be."

"yeah, okay, i know. i guess i wouldn't get a divorce? or break up with you, or whatever. communication might be a bit tough if you were a worm. and would i love you? hmm, that's a tough one. i guess so, but you would probably die within a few days of your worm-life. i would take care of you as best as i could though, and i would miss you when you were gone."

i heard him sniffle. was he... crying?

"chikara, that's so sweet," he wailed.

i put my hand out and found his face in the darkness, and- yep, those were tears.

"are you drunk? or high?" i questioned.

"no, what makes you think that?"

"oh... nothing."

"okay, but what if it was a princess and the frog type scenario? if you could kiss me and turn me human again, would you?"

"would it count to put a kiss on my hand and give you a boop? or are we talking lips-to-worm contact here?"

"lips-to-worm."

"um... you know, as long as i only had to do it once, and didn't also turn into a worm, then why not? i'd give you a little kiss if it meant you were human again."

"aww, babe!"

he lunged forward and attacked me with kisses. i rolled my eyes but gladly accepted and returned the favor.

a minute or so later, i finally got the willpower to pull away.

"babe, as much as i love kissing you, i'm really tired, so how about we go back to sleep?"

"we? _we_? ha! i haven't been sleeping. i couldn't. _tried_ , but to no avail, so i've just been up on tiktok!"

"ugh, of course. well... i'm gonna go back to sleep, so you can go cuddle with mochi or something."

"but she's asleep too!"

"then snuggle matcha instead! he's a cat, he can sleep whenever he wants, not just at night! i mean, dogs can sleep whenever too..."

"ugh, fine. goodnight, chikara, love you."

"love you too."

i snuggled back under the sheets, and he kissed my forehead, then i felt him get out of bed.

as tired as i was, it didn't take long for me to drift back into a gentle slumber.

///

the next morning was saturday, luckily, so i got to wake up naturally around 9am, and sleepily stumble out of the bedroom in search of food.

after a quick bathroom trip, i made my way out through the living room, and paused there before i reached the kitchen.

the sight before my eyes was truly something to behold.

ryū had fallen asleep on the couch with the cat on his chest, and the dog sleeping at his feet.

i smiled fondly, feeling my heart melt.

i walked over, kissed ryū's forehead, kissed matcha's forehead, and kissed mochi's forehead, before finally heading to my original destination- the kitchen.

i decided to make pancakes, and by the time i was about three quarters of the way done cooking them, i heard some plodding footsteps, then felt arms wrap around my waist and a kiss on my neck. i squirmed slightly as his hair tickled my ear a bit.

"morning," ryū yawned.

i turned my head slightly, and reached my arm back to pat the side of his head before turning back to my task.

"good morning, sleeping beauty. you're not a worm."

he chuckled gently.

"nope."

"did you finally get to bed then?"

"yeah, i was gonna keep watching tiktoks, but i could barely keep my eyes open. and then matcha laid on my chest and he's so warm, i couldn't help but fall asleep. and when i woke up he was still there! and mochi was there too!"

"i saw. just like a disney princess."

"something like that. are you making enough for me?"

i pretended to think for a minute as i flipped a pancake. of course i was making enough, but i wanted to tease him.

"i don't know, you might just have to find something else... maybe if you're lucky, i'll let you have my leftovers."

"well, maybe i'd just have to make an even better breakfast and make you jealous. but then i'd eat it all in front of you and not let you have any."

i smiled.

"you could do that. but, you're in luck, because i think this recipe made a bit too much for just one person, so i'll have to share with you."

"thank goodness, i've truly received a blessing here. but you know i can cook better than you, so it doesn't really matter anyways."

i rolled my eyes.

"yeah, i know."

"but i still appreciate your efforts! and your cooking is pretty okay! and you know what? this breakfast is special because it was made with your love."

he squeezed me a little tighter and kissed my cheek this time.

"nah, this wasn't made with love, i made it with spite. and i spit in every pancake anyway, so enjoy that."

"ohoho, that makes it even better," he replied suggestively.

i didn't even have to see his face to know what expression he had.

"ugh, you're too much."

"hey, you knew what you were getting into when you decided to put up with me for the rest of our lives."

"yeah, i guess i did. at least we don't have kids. i don't think i could survive taking care of you and children. plus, i don't think i'd like a child enough to put up with those antics."

"i can take care of myself well enough! but yeah, i probably couldn't care for a child, so it's a good thing that we don't have any. a dog and cat are good though!"

"yep, and they get along great."

"i remember when you were worried they would hate each other," he teased. "and the first couple days, they were getting used to each other, and were a little hostile, and you were so worried."

"i didn't want them at each other's throats! i mean, we couldn't very well keep them if they were going to try to kill each other every chance they got, now could we?!"

"you make a valid point."

"um, of course it's valid, i'm a bad bitch. i can't do anything that's _not_ valid."

ryū snorted, probably remembering the time from all those years ago. this time, however, he didn't bother trying to hide his reaction, and soon, i was laughing too.

then i smelt a slight burning.

"oh, fuck!" i quickly snapped out of it, and took the pancake out of the pan. i turned to face ryū with a sheepish grin. "so that one's gonna be a little crispy."

he smiled back fondly.

"well, lucky for you, i like crispy pancakes. especially since that one was made with love."

"well, i admit it... that one maybe had a little love."

"i knew it."

he walked up to me and reached behind me to turn the stove off, which was fine because i was done cooking anyway, and then pushed me against the counter.

he planted his lips on mine, and we kissed for a bit before i felt him nudging my lips open with his tongue. 

i was feeling generous, so i yielded, and even let him take the lead as his tongue slipped into my mouth. (thank god he had brushed his teeth).

however, i did slip my hands down to squeeze his ass- i couldn't let him get too cocky now.

after a minute or three of that (i lost track of the time) i gently pushed him away.

"as much as i enjoy making out with you, our breakfast is getting cold."

he pouted.

"why can't we just put it in the oven and save it for later?"

"because i'm hungry now. i promise i'll make out with you again later though."

his face brightened.

"hooray! i'll help set the table!"

i smiled fondly as i watched him skip over to the silverware drawer to get forks. i allowed myself 10 more seconds to look at him, then focused on getting plates.

it might seem strange to some people- not getting married or having kids- but for me, it was perfect. i knew i loved him, and he loved me, and that was enough. in fact, it almost felt like we were soulmates.

and you know what? i would love him, even if he was a worm.


	56. this is Merely the Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last chapter 😳 except i might post some little extras that helped in the creation of this story and deleted scenes and such.

_**.azumane.** _

i was in the back room of my shop with a coworker, getting ready to close up, and i heard the bell up front, indicating that someone had just walked in.

"scusi!" a loud voice said. "do you know where i can find azumane-san?"

he must've been talking to matteo in the front room.

it was strange to hear the sudden japanese honorific in the middle of an italian sentence, but it must've been habit.

"your fiancé?" my coworker, andrea laughed.

i smiled.

"yeah, he can be loud sometimes."

"that's alright, i think we all are sometimes. i can't really imagine you being too loud though."

"yeah, sometimes i-"

i was cut off by a loud, "ASAHIIIIII!!!" then the door to the back room also burst open, and yuu ran in.

i apologized to andrea, who nodded and started clocking out, then turned back to yuu.

"hey, yuu, close up early today?"

"yep! you guys making anything new here?"

"always are, fashion is an ever-changing industry."

"gelato too! i mean... i guess you kind of have to stick to the staples, but it's fun to experiment making new flavors!"

"i bet," i replied, then turned to andrea who was heading out the door. "see you tuesday."

"yep, see you then!"

then she left and i turned back to yuu, switching back to japanese.

"ready to go?"

"doesn't that guy up front have to leave first?"

"matteo? i mean technically since i'm the boss, yes, i should be the last to leave, but it doesn't really matter. he knows how to lock up. besides, he's probably left already."

"already?! i haven't been here for _that_ long!"

"he probably made a beeline for the door as soon as you came in here," i chuckled.

"dang, that's kind of mean."

"it's nothing personal, he probably just wanted to escape before he had to work any extra hours."

"why would he have to work extra hours? we're leaving now, and i'm not a customer or anything."

"i'm not sure if he knows that, and usually when people come in asking to see me, they want a consultation, which can take a long time with measuring, picking out fabrics, starting sketches, and all that."

"i guess you're right... anyway, let's get out of here! it's a holiday weekend, baby!"

i laughed.

"yeah, it's a holiday weekend."

"don't sound so enthusiastic," he muttered, grabbing my hand and pulling me to the front room. "hope you were done back there."

"yeah, but i still have to lock up before we leave, so don't get _too_ overenthusiastic."

"what is that supposed to mean?"

we exited, and i closed and locked the door behind me.

"oh, you know. i know you very well, and i know that you are very easily excitable, which isn't a bad thing!" i kissed his forehead. "now let's get out of here."

we left the shop, yuu skipping along slightly.

"keep up! i wanna hold your hand!"

"you can either skip or hold my hand, but you can't have both."

he stuck his tongue out.

"meanie. i choose to skip though, it's fun and i have too much energy in me right now! i can always hold your hand later!"

"alright, then you've made your decision."

"i certainly have," he called back over his shoulder.

i smiled fondly, but still walked a little faster just to keep up with him.

we wandered along the grand canal, just taking in the sights. the flow of the water, the people around us, the late afternoon sky, the colorful buildings, and the beautiful flower boxes.

"you know what's weird?" yuu asked after a minute.

he had finally slowed down a bit and was now holding my hand.

"what's weird?" i replied.

"we've lived here for almost a year, and we've never gone to the doge's palace! i didn't get the chance when i was here during college either, and i really wanna see it. i especially think the bridge of sighs is interesting."

"the bridge of sighs?"

he turned me around and pointed to an enclosed white bridge far in the distance.

"that's the bridge of sighs. it's called that because prisoners would be taken through there on the way to their cells, and apparently they would sigh as they caught their last glimpse of venice through those tiny windows."

i squinted and adjusted my glasses but i didn't see the windows.

"must be some pretty small windows," i complained, still squinting.

he grabbed my shoulder and spun me back around, and we kept walking.

"nah, you're just going blind, old man."

"old man?!"

he laughed.

"just joking, babe. but seriously, do you remember when people would sometimes mistake me for your child? that was creepy as _fuck_."

"yeah, that was really weird." i groaned. "made me feel like a weird perv too."

"it's okay, i know the truth." i felt comforted until he finished his sentence. "you _are_ a weird perv!"

i spluttered for a moment, ready to defend myself, but he put a hand in my face, stopping me in my tracks.

"please, don't act like i haven't caught you staring at me in the shower."

"so it's fine when you do it to me, but not the other way around?"

"yes."

"damn, way to make a guy feel insecure."

"only joking," he reminded.

i snapped and pointed finger guns at him.

👉😂👉

"it's a good thing my anxiety can't tell the difference between real statements and jokes."

"ugh, sorry, i forgot."

i shook my head.

"nah, it's okay, i'm doing a lot better these days anyway, so it's not a big deal. i'll probably have forgotten about this by next week."

he nodded.

"that's good. now... it's still a little early, but i'm hungry. can we find some food?"

"sure thing. i don't have any strong opinions, so you can lead the way."

he took my hand again and started leading me towards a narrow side street. well, all streets in venice (besides the grand canal) were narrow side streets, technically.

"you _never_ have any strong opinions," he teased.

i grinned. that reminded me of a certain conversation from many years ago.

"sorry. i just don't have any particular leanings in this subject at the moment."

he turned back to look at me for a moment and laugh.

"that's alright. lucky for you, i'm very decisive."

///

after dinner, we had returned to our small apartment and were getting ready for bed. it was a bit early, but it's not like we had much else to do. besides, with the long weekend ahead, and monday off, we could afford to mess up our sleep schedules a bit.

although since we both owned our own businesses, we could _choose_ when to close up shop, but it was a federal holiday anyway.

i was changing into pajamas, and i dropped my shirt, so i leaned down to pick it up, but when i did, yuu smacked my ass.

i yelped and stood up straight, turning to look at him.

"what was the reason?" i asked, quickly snatching my shirt off the floor.

before i could put it on, he stopped me.

"keep the shirt off. and i just think you're hot. plus i enjoy the reaction i can get out of you."

i rolled my eyes, feeling my face burn.

"and i'm the perv in this relationship apparently. how many people have you said that too anyway?"

"just you, babe."

i looked at him skeptically.

"okay, so maybe there have been occasions when i called ryū hot or sexy... and maybe sometimes with chikara... and kazuhito and hisashi... but can you blame me?! i just think my friends are attractive, and wanted to let them know."

i smiled and shook my head.

"you're a weirdo."

"like you've never called daichi or suga sexy before."

we got into bed.

"well, about that... can i tell you a secret?"

i had actually been thinking about this for a while, zoning out occasionally, contemplating whether or not i should tell him. after that little echo of a years-past conversation from earlier, it had been on my mind.

i had never told him what had happened between us, and maybe it wasn't _that_ important, but i still owed him the truth, so i finally decided to speak up. plus, this was the perfect opportunity anyway.

he looked at me curiously.

"sure, what is it?"

"back in college, i had a threesome with suga and daichi."

he had been holding his phone, but when i said that, he dropped it on the bed.

"you what?! are you serious?!"

"uh, yeah. it was only for a couple months, and we're all friendly now."

"well, i remember at graduation they _did_ tell me they liked you. and i told them to take good care of you. did they take good care of you?"

"yes, they did."

"well that's good. and i can see why you'd wanna sleep with them too, they're pretty hot. do you think they'd wanna have a foursome?"

"yuu, what the-? they're married and have a whole child?!"

"and? we're engaged and have a dog, which is pretty much the same thing."

"i really don't think it is. plus, that would be a long trip for just a one time thing."

he wiggled his eyebrows at me.

"who said it would be one time?"

"oh my god, we're _not_ having a foursome!"

"not even like... skype sex or anything?"

"yuu! no!"

he shook his head disappointedly.

"damn, that's sad. oh well, time zones are a little screwy anyway since they're in japan and we're in italy. _we_ made it work all those years ago though."

"for god's sake, we're not having a skype sex foursome with daichi and suga."

"but what about-?"

"we're not having a skype sex foursome with tanaka and ennoshita either."

"damnit! would you mind if i had a-"

"yes, i would mind if you had a skype sex threesome with them. i think they would mind too. and again, time zones, since they're in america."

"fuck! you know me too well."

"yep, i sure do."

"i mean, it's only..." he trailed off and looked at the clock. "11am for them! so they'd be awake."

"it's not a matter of whether of not they're awake!"

"ugh, fine. and as long as we're sharing secrets here, i can't blame ya for sleeping with them. daichi and suga, i mean. i slept around kind of a lot during my second year mostly. i picked it up again a little in italy, cuz i knew i was falling for you again, and that was scary, but i put an end to that pretty quick cuz it didn't feel right. and here we are now! happy couple once again."

"uh huh, it took long enough."

"that's not my fault though. i mean i guess a little bit. but it's also a little bit your fault."

"yeah, it is."

"i think we're just kind of stupid."

i laughed.

"maybe a little."

"that's one of my favorite things about us though," he said with a smile, linking our hands. "even though it took us a while to figure out, we ended up here, and i think that's a sign that we're definitely meant to be together. it's like the universe was testing our relationship and we passed."

"that was the hardest test i've ever taken then."

"me too."

"but hey, you're right. we made it to where we are today, and i'm so happy. i mean, when i asked you out the second time, you could've said no after i broke up with you. but you said yes, and here we are."

"here we are," he agreed. "oh, but also, you're crazy if you think i could've said no when you asked me out. are you kidding, man?! like yeah, the whole breakup thing or whatever, but that was _years_ ago, and i was in love with you again anyway, if you couldn't tell by my texts."

"la luna é bella, vero?"

he blushed and smiled.

"posso morire felice."

"i like that," i decided. "i feel like it's our thing."

he nodded.

"me too. like, probably not many people would do that. because the phrase originates in japanese, but then we just say it in italian. and technically it's an idiom so it _technically_ doesn't work in italian, but i still like it."

"me too. and i think it works just fine."

"it does work very well."

i studied his face for a while, and realized that at this moment, i was incredibly happy.

i couldn't help but smile some more as it dawned on me, and i leaned forward to kiss him.

he placed his hands on the sides of my face, pulling me closer to himself.

for about a minute, it was just him and me, and nothing else. our lips touching, and the love between us.

every point of contact with him felt like it was on fire. his hands on my face, my hands on his waist, the spots where his legs intwined with mine, where his elbow bumped gently against my ribs as he pulled back.

he was smiling widely as well.

"i love you," i whispered.

"i love you too," he replied, in the same low tone.

we didn't need to yell the words from rooftops. it wasn't necessary that everyone know we were in love. it just mattered that we knew. and that we knew that that would never change.

from the corner of my eye, i caught a glimpse of the moon shining through the curtains. it really was beautiful tonight. and with yuu next to me, i could die happy.

i didn't need anything else at this moment- just being able to hold him close was perfect for me. with him, every day was like an adventure, and i was so glad i had fallen for him.

i couldn't wait to spend the rest of my life with him.


End file.
